Why would someone practically nag someone to go to an event and then drop out themselves, I am a bit worried...

[thoonerismspread]

I don't want this to be a TAAT but I posted some months back about this, my friend has bought me a ticket to an annual event, for 17 years running.

This year he didn't buy me one and I posted about what to do at the time. I didn't expect him to buy me one but I found it odd that he just didn't, and didn't say anything to me about it.

I found out from his girlfriend (who I am also friends with but not as much longevity/history) who told me he hadn't and practically nagged me to get my own ticket. I wasn't sure I wanted to go, and I especially didn't if friend didn't want me to go and that's why he hadn't bought me a ticket.

In the end it turned out okay, girlfriend told me he'd bought his and her tickets when they were both very drunk and had forgotten that normally he'd get me one at the same time. He bought me one, I decided to go-the end.

However now, I've learned (via the group chat for the event, 20 or so of us in it)that girlfriend has dropped out of the event.

I've messaged her and asked if she's okay, why's she decided not to go and she's said 'Just don't fancy it this year'. I said she seemed very keen a few months ago when asking me to confirm I'm coming, is all okay? She said 'I know!' and that's it.

I don't think it'd be appropriate to msg my friend and ask what's occurring here. I am seeing him this weekend (he's coming over with another friend for an event on Thurs night more accurately).

Would you find this a bit odd?

Sorry if confusing.

No. It's not odd to change your mind about something months later.

We bought tickets for a huge festival months beforehand, when we were pissed (because you know - good idea at the time and all that!). Got nearer to the weekend and we really didn't want to go, because we also didn't fancy it. Ended up selling them

What do you think it's about? Is it possible you spend too much energy wondering what's behind decisions in this friendship?

I seem to recall thinking you were making a mountain out of a molehill originally too. She doesn't fancy it. From memory, it wasn't something she'd done 1000 times like the rest of you.

You are way too involved in this man and his girlfriend's life. There are 20 of you on the thread about this event and yet you think her not coming has something to do with you?!

Isn't it just possible that their relationship is in trouble (he sounds pretty flaky anyway) and she doesn't want to have to put on a brave party face in front of all his friends?

Yes, and I think I said exactly this on your last post about this, which I remember because of the amount of angst that him not buying you a ticket seemed to have aroused in you! Other people's shit is their shit. Don't give it too much headspace. If you want to go to the event, go, regardless of whether or not you think your friend wants you there. Now you seem to have expanded your focus to whether his girlfriend wants to attend or not! It's completely normal for someone to get tickets well in advance for something and then change their minds about going closer to the time. Why is it you find it so suspicious? And why does whether other people's attitude to this event appear to loom far larger on your mental horizon than whether you want to attend it?

I remember the last thread. You were massively over thinking it last time and still are. Clearly this event is a massive deal for you but for most other people it just isn't that much of a big deal. That is all.

Is it the event or the friendship with the man that's a big deal?

I’ve re-read your post a few times OP.. do you fancy this man or have some sort of history with him? Do you think the girlfriend dropping out has something to do with you (if so, why? What?)?

Also do you pay him back for this ticket? What’s the reason you’ve never bought it yourself?

Oh my god, your last thread was a ridiculous overreaction and this is another one. You are WAY over invested in this man and his relationship.

It is absolutely fine for someone to change their mind about an event, why on earth wouldn't it be. Maybe she's unwell, pregnant, they're breaking up, she doesn't want to attend with soon so invested in her relationship, maybe she got a better offer or maybe she just can't be fucked.

Honestly, move on

No, I don't think It's anything to do with me, I was more worried about her.

Why would you be worried about someone changing their mind about going to an event?

I am a gay female.

It's a birthday present from him each year. No I don't think It's anything to do with me, I was concerned about her.

The event is our sort of 'friendship holiday' each year but it isn't a huge deal to me. I was more concerned about why she'd seem so excited for it and then not want to.

Because of just how enthusiastic she's been about it for almost twenty years. And how much she wanted me to go.

Anyway, if the consensus in that I shouldn't be concerned about it, then I won't be (FWIW he is still going).

But whats your reason for being concerned? She told you plainly she ‘just doesn’t fancy it this year’? Why do you find it odd that someone might change their mind about an event? I can think of so many innocuous reasons why someone would. Maybe I’m wrong but it really comes off in your post that you’re taking it quite personally. Or at least just over thinking it massively.

Are you a worrier in general, do you always go to the worst case scenario? Even if there is something ‘wrong’ (maybe a family member is unwell, maybe she’s feeling down), there’s nothing you can do or have the right to know about until she decides to tell you.

What are you worried about? What do you think might have happened that is causing you concern?

Fwiw I would find it unusal if someone had gone to the bother of buying a ticket for an event, persuading a friend to go and then decided not to go for no other reason than they don't fancy it, but I suspect this runs deeper than that for OP.

Well, in my last thread I had a lot of people saying that there was further things going on that I was unaware of, that they didn't believe the tale I was given about the tickets.
Yes, it is like that @Gelatibon. It's a thing that they've been going to for 17 years as friends and then as a couple.

I am really not taking it personally, it doesn't affect me if one of them doesn't go other than just a different dynamic. They were both so passionate about it (far so more than me) and I found it odd, that's it.

The vast majority of replies said 'Why on earth are you obsessing over something so trivial?' And 'Do you actually want to go to this event or not?'

All sorts of things could be going on. I got sober a few years ago and now every time Dh suggests a boozy weekend with friends or family, I want to poke my eyes out. It’s bone crushing boring! I get out of as many of them as I can now because I find them so tedious. Maybe she’s stopped drinking, stopped smoking, maybe she’s pregnant (if possible), going through infertility treatment, whatever and can’t face it.

I’ve also been diagnosed with cancer in the past year. I’m tired. I don’t want to have to entertain other people or be on my feet all day. I’m assuming this is something like a festival, gaming convention, Chelsea flower show, national pickleball championships, whatever. If she’s struggling with illness, fatigue, pain, etc she probably doesn’t have the energy for it.

Maybe your friend is being a twat and she expects they’ll be broken up by then so is bowing out. Maybe she’s not getting along with someone else who is going. Maybe cost of living is hitting hard and she can’t afford it. Maybe she’s just stopped being a people pleaser and is finally admitting how much she hates this stupid thing she goes to every year.

There's no obsession for me, I just wondered if people thought nagging someone to go somewhere and then deciding not to go yourself was strange. If It's a no It's a no.

this is the kind of worry I had, mainly the chronic illness one. I know she's most definitely not stopped drinking (which also rules out pregnancy although I've fairly good reason to know it isn't pregnancy anyway) and that it isn't a money thing. She's always been one of the main instigators of everyone going, trying to get more people going etc too.

Not impossible about relationship issues either.
I'll see if my friend says anything this weekend but I won't press if he doesn't.

And yet your last thread featured similarly obsessive worrying about ‘what it meant’ that the friend who always bought you a ticket to this event for your birthday didn’t get you one this time, why he hadn’t told you if he couldn’t afford it, why he didn’t tell you himself, whether he wanted you to go or not etc etc.