Background - We met 6 months ago and leave 2 minutes away from each other. She has 2 sons age 2 and 7. I have a son the same age as her eldest.
She has ADHD and is an oversharer, a lot like myself, but her overhearing is quite extreme at times!
We both have children with SEN. Her son is in mainstream, awful social anxiety (absolutely lovely boy), and is brilliant academically. My son needs 24/7 supervision at a special needs school and sadly I don’t think she realises how much is taken from my ‘cup’ by either caring or recovering from caring.
Within the last couple of months we’ve become extremely close. But the calling all the time is getting a bit much for me. I like a phone call, and prefer that to texting people if it’s a conversation and not a quick message about something specific. But she does it multiple times a day. If I don’t answer, she will call again. And then try again later, and again another time. If she text and I reply to that, insinuating I’m busy, she will call in response to my text reply.
How can I push back from this? I can’t remember her exact wording but she has 2 other close friends beyond me. One of them recently had a minor fall out with her and then she said to me ‘We haven’t spoken at all yesterday! And still haven’t spoken today! But I suppose it’s best we cool off from each other’. I remember not knowing what to say because by the way she was going on, she was speaking like they hadn’t said a word in a week+
Now, she is extremely kind. Very kind. And I like that she is very honest and open. One of the things I like about her is her ability not to immediately judge someone and see the best in all sorts of people. It has a downside that she often becomes the helper to them, but she knows this herself anyway.
We agree on a lot of things and I don’t not enjoy her company. But she will often repeat things that she’s already told me. I will say Y. She will tell me about the time Y happened, in big elaborate detail but she is telling it to me like she genuinely doesn’t realise she’s already told me this many times before. And I believe it isn’t on purpose at all. I don’t think she can help it.
When we do talk, I can hardly get a word in. Like many women with ADHD, she will often emphasis by giving examples of the same thing she’s experienced, things like that, but then goes on a massive tangent and doesn’t seem to be aware it’s very much a word sides conversation. Sometimes I feel like she’s talking at me and not to me on the phone :(
But, she isn’t doing this to be selfish, I don’t think. Because if you needed her or was upset about something, she would listen and want to advise you, help you. That sort of thing
I am however just so busy and I get that she struggles to get out much with her youngest son who’s 2, because she’s very prone to ADHD paralysis and is completely overwhelmed by house mess and washing, general upkeep of life. And it isn’t her fault. It’s bloody awful. However, it I do indeed have ADHD I have the overcompensating type. So I am always busy because of that and my own sheer weight of responsibility through the heavy load of caring.
She will often ivedhare the intimate details. For example if she’s unwell, tell me what it smells like, very intimate details.
How can I push back a bit? Not answering calls doesn’t seem to do the job.
I know what it can feel like to overshare things like life events in new social situations and then hate myself for it when I’ve realised I’ve shared far too much. So it would kill me to know I’ve confirmed a fear that she is ‘too much’ as people with these conditions often feel 😞