How to push back from a friend who calls multiple times a day

[EagerSloth]

Background - We met 6 months ago and leave 2 minutes away from each other. She has 2 sons age 2 and 7. I have a son the same age as her eldest.

She has ADHD and is an oversharer, a lot like myself, but her overhearing is quite extreme at times!

We both have children with SEN. Her son is in mainstream, awful social anxiety (absolutely lovely boy), and is brilliant academically. My son needs 24/7 supervision at a special needs school and sadly I don’t think she realises how much is taken from my ‘cup’ by either caring or recovering from caring.

Within the last couple of months we’ve become extremely close. But the calling all the time is getting a bit much for me. I like a phone call, and prefer that to texting people if it’s a conversation and not a quick message about something specific. But she does it multiple times a day. If I don’t answer, she will call again. And then try again later, and again another time. If she text and I reply to that, insinuating I’m busy, she will call in response to my text reply.

How can I push back from this? I can’t remember her exact wording but she has 2 other close friends beyond me. One of them recently had a minor fall out with her and then she said to me ‘We haven’t spoken at all yesterday! And still haven’t spoken today! But I suppose it’s best we cool off from each other’. I remember not knowing what to say because by the way she was going on, she was speaking like they hadn’t said a word in a week+

Now, she is extremely kind. Very kind. And I like that she is very honest and open. One of the things I like about her is her ability not to immediately judge someone and see the best in all sorts of people. It has a downside that she often becomes the helper to them, but she knows this herself anyway.

We agree on a lot of things and I don’t not enjoy her company. But she will often repeat things that she’s already told me. I will say Y. She will tell me about the time Y happened, in big elaborate detail but she is telling it to me like she genuinely doesn’t realise she’s already told me this many times before. And I believe it isn’t on purpose at all. I don’t think she can help it.

When we do talk, I can hardly get a word in. Like many women with ADHD, she will often emphasis by giving examples of the same thing she’s experienced, things like that, but then goes on a massive tangent and doesn’t seem to be aware it’s very much a word sides conversation. Sometimes I feel like she’s talking at me and not to me on the phone :(

But, she isn’t doing this to be selfish, I don’t think. Because if you needed her or was upset about something, she would listen and want to advise you, help you. That sort of thing

I am however just so busy and I get that she struggles to get out much with her youngest son who’s 2, because she’s very prone to ADHD paralysis and is completely overwhelmed by house mess and washing, general upkeep of life. And it isn’t her fault. It’s bloody awful. However, it I do indeed have ADHD I have the overcompensating type. So I am always busy because of that and my own sheer weight of responsibility through the heavy load of caring.

She will often ivedhare the intimate details. For example if she’s unwell, tell me what it smells like, very intimate details.

How can I push back a bit? Not answering calls doesn’t seem to do the job.

I know what it can feel like to overshare things like life events in new social situations and then hate myself for it when I’ve realised I’ve shared far too much. So it would kill me to know I’ve confirmed a fear that she is ‘too much’ as people with these conditions often feel 😞

Text back. I'm busy lets catch up next week. You need to set boundaries.

Either put in place a routine call as often as you want or you can say I’ll call you when I have time so you do it on your terms. Just make sure she knows you still like her etc as she sounds very insecure.
you can also change settings on your phone to field calls from certain people, or everyone (through ‘focus’ on iPhones)

If I said let’s catch up next week, surely that’s an obvious ‘fuck off’ since I’d be going from speaking to her every day, often multiple times, to now a week on?

One of the biggest issues is I’m quite happy to chat on the phone sometimes but if I am busy, I can hardly get a word in to explain I’m busy before she starts talking 😔 It’s very hard to explain

I’ll say ‘Hi, you okay?’ And she will say ‘Yeah, just fuming at ABC. I can’t believe he done that and then I was so angry and upset cos I did that with the kids last week and he—‘’ and so you feel really mean cutting her off and saying ‘sorry hun, I’m so busy. Speak later’

This is making me a bit twitchy just reading about her op!

I do sympathise, not to your extremes but I do have a friend who would call me a LOT if I always picked up and does the 'call to respond to a text' thing. Firm boundaries, and hold them. Don't answer the reply-to-text call. Stick do not disturb on for an hour or so, then follow with another text later if she still hasn't got the message. Generally be less available.

Yep, I recognise that! If my friend calls (which is a lot less often nowadays), then I take a second to assess if I've got time and energy for this. If not, I don't pick up.

Well if she likes to be open and honest then she should be able to hear open and honest stuff from other people.

Decide how much contact you want.
She obviously doesn't get a hint or even a message saying you are busy.

How clear are your messages? Some people think they have told someone something but it isn;t as clear as they think.

You can either make her listen to you or text the same thing - "I will call you when I am free, probably on Thursday" for instance.

After two times, I would not reply until Thursday.

Have her on mute for sure.

Wean her off you.
Give her a specific time to call.
Then a specific day.
Don't take her calls outside of her slots.
Tell her you need to do it this way because things are very hectic, you are overwhelmed and you have to fit a lot in.

Say to her that you’re trying a new strategy of not being on your phone so that you can be more ‘present’, you’re going to put your phone on do not disturb but will check messages to the end of the day.

Then mute her on WhatsApp and add her to archive. You can check when you want but won’t be notified.

I had to do this to my dad as he would not understand that I was busy and would say that it takes seconds to answer the phone. If I message to say I’m putting the kids to bed can’t talk he would phone me as he knew my phone was in my hand. I had to reset boundaries. I still speak to him but when I want as he goes on for hours. I didn’t start cooking dinner until gone 8 yesterday because I couldn’t get him off the phone.

The problem y9u have here is that she is happy to oversahre and be completely honest about her needs, but you aren't.

if she calls and you can't talk. Text her. "Hi Mary. I really can't talk today. I'm completely overwhelmed and busy and I know you understand that sometimes we have to do what's best for ourselves. I'll give you a call tomorrow."

Because I know she would be really hurt if I’m too honest. She’s said in the past that people often drift away from her and it felt really sad hearing her say that

She is going to be hurt if you don't because you will be unavailable and she won't understand why.

Far better to be completely honest with her, and to position it as something she will understand. You're not rejecting HER, you are protecting YOURSELF. And she needs to understand that.

Perhaps a different version: "Hi Mary, Sorry I can't talk today. I just have to get my head down and focus on the DC and all my chores. I'll give you a call tomorrow to catch up? Thanks for checking in."

But at some point, you need to tell her. Calmly, firmly and in a caring way. Some version of, "I know you like daily contact Mary and I wish I could do that, but for me, that is too much when I'm already so busy. I absolutely love our friendship and value it hugely, but please don't be hurt if sometimes I cant talk on the phone - it's just not always somethign I'm able to do."

Talk to her. "I really love your calls, but DS is a handful and just don't have time to chat all day, I wish I did". I'm sorry I can't always pick up, but I promise I'll call you back when I can"

Talk, don't text.

And mean it, even if it's next day. Or a couple of days later.

But so what, though? If you like her and value her friendship, as you seem to, then you're doing her a massive favour by explaining to her clearly but kindly when people 'often drift away from her'. Plus, whose feelings are more important here -- hers or yours? You need to be primarily looking at a relationship in terms of the extent to which it works for you, rather than second-guessing what someone else needs or wants. Communicate clearly the terms you would like this friendship to continue on. 'X, I can't talk on the phone several times a day. I like you and I want us to continue to be friends, but this just isn't a pattern of communication I can sustain. X is what I need from now on.'

Why is it ok for you to be stressed, but not ok for her feelings to be affected?

You can’t get out of this situation without anyone having any negative feelings. It’s ok to upset her.

It might have felt sad to hear her say it, but honestly it sounds like her idea of drifting away is quite different from the average! If her baseline for a friendship is a long phone call every single day, then a normal level of contact ie. every few days or even every few weeks/months/years is going to feel like drifting away.

And to be honest, her baseline is out of whack. A long phone call every single day is FAR too demanding on one person's attention in most friendships.

This, it all sounds very one sided the op has to change what she does but the person over sharing and over calling doesn't?

Why not be honest and say that you like her and want to meet up with her but feel under pressure to take her calls throughout the day and that it means you have nothing to talk about when you meet up.

Please don't call me unless it's an emergency and text/message me with arrangements to meet up as I hate talking in the phone!

Why should her neediness top your living in peace?

Well, the OP needs to state what pattern of contact she's comfortable with in future, as the friend isn't going to come up with that on her own, so to that extent, yes, the OP needs to be the one to act.

Obviously people back off for a reason, you will end up getting ill if you keep giving in. Set some boundaries as someone else said and send a text telling them you have lots on and you will see them at such and such a time whenever is best for you.

You sound enmeshed with her.
Use your words. Other of her friends have! If she takes umbrage then she's really not the friend you need her to be.

Thanks for all your replies. I will be more forceful with my ‘I’m really busy at the moment’. But that’s hard to do when you say hello and she says hello, then goes on a rant about something that’s clearly upsetting, and I feel like a right cow saying sorry, too busy for this shit, which is essentially what I’m doing

You know you aren't responsible for her feelings? She is her own person, you are yours. You love her as a friend but don't always want to chat, that is fine. You can probably sense that she has had rejection in the past and that wasn't your fault, you don't need to over compensate by bending over backwards.

When she calls could you ignore it and then send her a text hey, busy until 7 will call you then. That way you aren't ignoring her but talking at a time that suits you.

You will be doing her a favour by giving her boundaries.

You can't burn out because you're too scared to upset someone, that's ridiculous.

Also just because the phone rings, doesn't mean we have to answer it.

Reply a few hours later saying you were busy and only checking your phone now.

Have a conversation with her saying you are worried about getting too overwhelmed so will only be able to speak once a day or every other day or whatever you want.