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Original poster

What is a reasonable timeline for engagement and having children?

29 replies

melliebe · 31/03/2025 10:48

DP and I were having this discussion last night.

We haven’t been together long, but know we would like marriage and a family sooner rather than later.

I am curious to hear opinions on how long couples should wait for these things? Assuming that they are financially/emotionally stable etc.

OP posts:
YabbaDabbaDooooo · 31/03/2025 10:53

There is no 'should' really.

But for some reason I'm thinking engaged for two years before the wedding planning starts and then probably married a year after that, but I've no idea why I'm thinking it? 😳

Either way, the most important thing is that no children are born during that time if marriage is very important.

Far too many MNetters endlessly waiting for proposals when they're 2 or 3 kids in and the bloke's dragging his heels.

mindutopia · 31/03/2025 10:59

Whatever works for your relationship and where you are in life. Dh and I were long distance and there were immigration issues to sort for us to be in the same place together. Once I knew I could move (as per education and work making it possible), we were together 2.5 years. We needed to get married within 6 months of me entering the country as per my visa. We got engaged at 2.5 years, I moved a few months later, we got married within 6 months after that.

As for children, I was 30 when we married, didn’t want a small age gap and I needed to carefully plan children around professional commitments. There was a window of a year or two when it would be ideal, so we had our first then (I was 32) and our 2nd 5 years later when I had space for another career break. Basically, the timeline was a very practical one, not driven by how long we’d been together.

jellyfishperiwinkle · 31/03/2025 11:00

We talked about children on the first date! 😆

Depends on your age and situation as well, I was only 23 and fresh out of university when I met DH. My priority was having a good time, not settling down and was certainly not ready to have kids!

Having said that once we were going out officially we moved in together (renting) after only a few months. Then with house prices going up we prioritised buying a house first, we did that after we'd lived together for two years. Only two years after that we got engaged, then a year later we were married, a year after that DD1 came along, then DD2 3.5 years after that.

StumbleInTheDebris · 31/03/2025 11:01

It's less about time and more about how satisfied you are that you are genuinely on the same page and that you know answers to significant questions.
Eg what is he really like to live with, what is his relationship with his family like, how much does he expect life to change for each of you if having kids.

You need to be clear you have voiced your expectations and not assumed anything as a given!

I wouldn't think of marrying someone I'd known for less than about two years, as well. Depends on age and stage of life, though. How old are you both?

Nevertrustacop · 31/03/2025 11:03

Cannot see the point in long engagements, no longer than a year certainly. Then children as soon after marriage as you see fit, taking into account your ages. But if you are more than early 30s at marriage, I wouldn't be hanging about.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 31/03/2025 11:04

It depends how old you are.

If you're 21, hold your horses!

If you're 35, get on with it.

Kuretake · 31/03/2025 11:04

Depends how old you are and what stage you're at. I met DH when we were both 18, we lived together within weeks but then didn't get married until we were 29 and then had DS when we were 35.

K0OLA1D · 31/03/2025 11:06

Surely there is no ideal

Me and dp had been together almost 3 years when I had DS. We're not married and been together getting on for 16 years. We bought our first house 5 years ago and rented before that.

FloatyGoaty · 31/03/2025 11:08

We met in August, started dating in September, got engaged at New Year and were married 6 months later.

First child arrived almost 2 years later, second child 3 years after that. We have been married for over forty years.

BrokenLine · 31/03/2025 11:08

If you have to ask about what constitutes a ‘reasonable timeline ’, you’re probably too young to be contemplating commitment.

scandalito · 31/03/2025 11:11

2 years max. I feel quite strongly about this (for me). If I don’t know where I stand in 2 years then I think I’m out.

MattCauthon · 31/03/2025 11:11

How long is a piece of string?

If you're young, as a rule, I'd say you should be dating for much longer before you make the move to living together/engaged/children - we allc hange such a lot in our late teens and 20s and it takes more work to be sure.

Ifyou're in your mid 30s, I don't think it's weird to take a bit quicker becuase you're more likely to know exactly what you want and what you expect.

But there's no hard and fast rules. My parents met in their late 20s and were married within a year. My BFF and her now DH got together when they were 18, dated until they were mid 20s but then got married and had kids very rapidly after that and they're still together now and in their 50s (and loving having two adult children!).

BeHere · 31/03/2025 11:15

If you both know what you want, I'd not be inclined to engage too much with arbitrary timelines beyond the very obvious.

For a lot of people, waiting until both partners want to settle down and also until they can practically afford kids and/or a particular type of wedding is what leads them to delay. That is, things specific to them.

You do also need to think about biological factors, such as how many kids you want and your age.

Sesame2011 · 31/03/2025 11:15

Depends on your ages and fertility etc.

I was 31 almost 32 when I met my partner. We were both on the same page with marriage and kids so got engaged 7 months later. And then married 2 years after that. Im now 35 almost 36, been married over a year and 6 months pregnant.

I just couldn't have imagined waiting longer to start a family. The reason our engagement was 2 years was because we self funded it and wanted to make it a special day but could have had a much cheaper and quicker wedding if we had wanted.

LambriniBobInIsleworthISeesYa · 31/03/2025 12:46

I think it depends on the couple. I knew DH for about 6m before we got together; engaged at a year, married after being together 2yrs 3m. Our first DD was born four days after the anniversary of meeting DH, just over a year after our wedding.

angelcake20 · 31/03/2025 12:52

As everyone else says, depends on age/life stage etc. We were together for 5 years before getting engaged, but were only 18 when we met, engaged at 23, married just over a year later at 25 but neither wanted, nor could afford, kids until 30.

PowerShowerHour · 31/03/2025 12:56

We got together in our early 20s.

December 2000- got together
September 2002- engaged
July 2003- married
November 2005- first DC

Would probably have gone quicker if we had been older.

SpicedHerbalTea · 31/03/2025 13:47

I’d say it’s pretty simple…

if you’re both over 25 then…

no big decisions within the first year of dating

then any big decisions to be made really before two years of dating

You should know each other well enough by then, and no-one should hang around indefinitely for anyone.

As above if aged under 25, but proceed with more caution, and be very wary of any big age gaps… anything under 3 years fine, over 7 years it’s probably a no.

aintnospringchicken · 31/03/2025 19:13

I’d say a reasonable timeline depends on what stage in your lives you are regarding jobs/careers,finances and living situations .Do you own your home or rent or maybe still living with parents whilst engaged.
I met DH when I was 25,got engaged when I was 26,married at 27 and had first DC a few days short of our first wedding anniversary.
That timeline worked for us.

faerietales · 31/03/2025 19:16

Surely it depends on your age, your life circumstances, your finances, your jobs?

The idea of having a "timeline" for these things is so odd to me.

ZenNudist · 31/03/2025 19:32

I reckon at least 3 years dating, 1 year Engaged, 1 year married before pregnancy. Minimum.

Ddakji · 31/03/2025 19:34

No right or wrong but I don’t see the point in getting engaged - if you want to be married then get married.

And don’t give up work to become a SAHM before you are married.

Otherwise, whatever floats your boat.

bettydavieseyes · 31/03/2025 19:39

Met in june 23. Moved in together in July 23 and got engaged. Got married in June 24. I had children already, she didnt ever want bio kids but loves mine, and we are too old for more. It's perfect but I had plenty of people telling me it was too quick. We're very happy. All the people who told us it was quick are divorced despite waiting longer to marry.

savethatkitty · 31/03/2025 19:45

I'd say married within 5 years. Then have a child in the next 5yrs. Lots of younger couples seem to wait a few years after marriage to establish careers/pay off mortgage before having children.

DenholmElliot11 · 31/03/2025 19:46

I'd be wanting marriage before children. Not just engagement.

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