Am I the only one who doesn’t have any friends

[Nearlyy40]

I am approaching 40 and I’ve never had a good friend. I have made the odd Mum friend along the way, but life gets busy and they lose touch, I had what I thought was a good friend a few years ago, but I found out she got married one weekend and she never mentioned it, so I think she saw me as a casual friend rather than a good friend.
I was bullied at secondary school and didn’t have any proper friends, I used to spend my break times in the toilets at school and lunch times I’d go out of school and go for a walk alone. I recently saw a social media post of an old school student who had a big 40th and there were women there who she knew from school, it made me feel a little sad that I never was able to make friends at school and I found myself wondering what it would be like to have a good friend now. I’m quite an introvert, but I’m friendly, but I’ve always wondered why I haven’t made friends easily as many others do.
I think I’ve found peace within myself about not having a friend, but I do wonder how common it is to reach your 40’s and have no friends.

I don't really have friends.

I did in my youth, but I quit work when I had DCs and then never went back to office based work (free lance consultancy).
I agree - Mum friends are fairly transient.
DH not very social, so no couple friends.

I have some good acquaintances from various hobbies, but no-one I could really call on in an emergency, or go out socially separately from any of the hobby group excursions.

I'm 57.

I have three friends who I rarely see these days. We've each gone in our directions in life living in different towns now. I tend to meet up with them once maybe twice a year. I have a group of woman I play netball twice a week with but we never meet up outside of the leisure centre.

Same. I don’t live where I grew up. I don’t see most of my family either as we are estranged. Dh family are all in another country, so we are on our own really.
Everyone I try and make friends with, already have a group of friends and lots of family. So they become friendly with me but it never goes further than that.

Same here. I'm an introvert with very late diagnosed ASD (which explains a lot in hind sight).

I am fine socially, have one friend from uni who I keep in touch with and see about once a month but she was very much the driving force in keeping it going. I have another friend I see about once a week, it's good to get out regularly and I used to enjoy her company but over the last few years she generally complains about her life and its tiring.

I have plenty of acquaintances from hobbies and work who'd probably happily do coffee or drinks or go to an event with me but not the big group of mates who are meeting up all the time.

I am no good at turning acquaintances into friends I think. But then I wonder if I'd even want that, it sounds draining.

Same. 40. Very lonely, especially when things happen either good or bad, and I’ve nobody to tell :(

Mn is full of people with no friends.

However, OP, if you want friends, it’s far from too late. What kinds of people do you like? What are you like, and what do you bring to potential friendships?

Probably because we don't have friends.....

I am no good at turning acquaintances into friends I think

This is me as well. I'm early 40s and have acquaintances that I see regularly and hang out with at things, but no friends that I specifically meet up with. I've got more an more introverted as I get older, and think there is probably undiagnosed ND going on as well.

I’m the same. Have tried to make friends but I’m just not a likeable person unfortunately. I’m not mean or unpleasant but i guess people might consider me a bit cold

I have lots of casual friends - but I am not part of anyones inner circle. I think I am always the 2nd option. I arrange things and invite people and they come along but often drop out if something better comes along, I don't have that core group to go on girly holidays etc with. Even when I meet new people who I get on really well with eg DS2's best friends mum and we do go away with the boys together and nights out etc - she has her sister and friends from school who live fairly locally so those are who she goes on weekends abroad with etc. I have done things with all of them - nights out etc but I will never be part of the inner circle if that makes sense.
I don't live where I grew up, I went to boarding school so friends from there are very spread out, worked abroad for a bit so friends from there are elsewhere, school mum friends have dispersed now that the kids are all teenagers, I volunteer as a scout leader and we do socialise a bit but again they all have their group of proper friends,

Maybe one day I will meet someone local who also doesnt have proper core group of friends either .....

Well, yes, exactly.

But my point stands. If the OP wants friends, and they haven't happened in 40 years, she can absolutely find them, but she's going to have to start doing something about it.

I have friends who are 'cold' in the sense of extremely reserved, not warm in manner, analytical, not fun at parties etc. I like them for other reasons. I don't think it necessarily debars you from friendships. If you're not offering warmth and fun, though, what are you offering?

44 here. I've got a couple of friends I see fairly regular but both are quite a lot older than me. I don't have the that long standing best friend I've known for decades that I can rely on, go on hols with. For a few years I had a really good friend, we did lots together. Then suddenly she drifted. She became disabled and although we are still on touch, she doesn't message for weeks at times and it's become difficult to see her.

I def feel like I have to work at friendships. I was bullied badly at school and had an unsettled childhood which has lead to lack of self esteem. See myself as a great friend but maybe just not intesesting enough or something. It's much harder to make friends at our age, as all the hobby groups etc are full of women 60 plus.

I often felt like this, and now don't anymore. One thing that helped was some advice from a website socialself.com. (I first used it in an earlier guise). The guy that runs it has very practical tips on improving social skills.

A few key takeaways.

1. Focus on having friendly encounters with people around you, rather than making friends.
2. When having small talk, try and say one sentence about your life. So when asked how your weekend was, don't just say 'fine' - add a detail of what you did e.g. it was lovely weather so I went to the park/I saw X movie/my parents/watched Adolescence etc.
3. A good place to practice is at the coffee shop, just making one friendly observation, even about the weather/how busy the place is. It may seem inane, but what you are doing is signalling that you are a friendly person who is interested in them.
4. In conversation, try and occasionally make it slightly more personal. So if someone says they went on holiday, ask if they're more of a beach or mountain person. That helps you connect. And share something slightly personal about your preferences.
5. In a group conversation, the number 1 thing is to show that you're listening. If you nod along to the person speaking, and show that you're listening and interested in what they are saying, they will tend to direct attention to you.

The website will tend to push you to sign up to paid courses, but the free material in itself is worthwhile if you practice.

My childhood was spent in numerous random places (parents employment) so I never developed the interpersonal skills to build and sustain relationships. That set the scene for my adult life - no workplace friendships as I always felt 'on the edge' of groups. Never found 'my tribe'. Now as I approach the tail end of life I'm thinking I won't bother with a funeral as there won't be anyone to mourn me or who knows me well enough to say a eulogy.

I'll get told off for this but are you autistic? If so, you'll probably only form successful friendships with other neurodivergent people. Like Fern Brady says, autistic people have a different operating system to neurotypicals, so it's like an Apple device trying to communicate with an android device...it's possible but it's not as easy.

I do have friends but they're all ND. They can be difficult to find in a lot of areas. Move to Cambridge and you'll be fine.

I will add - the group conversation part for me was a game-changer. Previously, I realise that I used to join a group and think about what I would say, which meant I wasn't properly listening. So if someone at the school gate went on holiday to France, my tendency was to say - I've been to France too, which killed the conversation. Now, I focus much more on showing the other person I'm listening, will nod, maybe ask them a few questions about their trip, how they find going on holiday with small kids etc, and then the conversation lasts longer, and I find that others are more interested in me in turn.

I guess I mean I’m not a touchy feely person - I listen to people, discuss things, considered to have a good sense of humour etc. I’m very supportive of people but don’t require much support myself

I make friends but I’m always b list. Eg the friends I made from my kids primary I saw regularly and spent a lot of time with once we didn’t have that regular contact with covid/kids moving to secondary it all fizzled out but I know some of them have stayed close regardless of the kids relationships

I sympathise and know what your going through, it’s hard to make friends.

Ive gone most of my life without friends, was bullied at school and all through my working life.

i joined groups was pushed out for being to quiet. I finally found an anxiety group and changed my life, they were more supportive, understanding and less judgmental. It wasn’t an overnight success, it’s taken me two years to make friends and see people outside of the group. You have to push yourself out of your comfort zone, ask people you like for phone numbers and take it from there. I am the one always waiting to be asked to do something and you have to take the initiative, yes you will be rejected but finally youll hopefully meet someone you click with.

ive also joined many other social groups, hobby, WI, volunteer etc it can be very hard and deflating, you feel like a outsider, no one talks to you and you wonder why am I bothering. I find it’s better to do an activity as then your doing something rather then expected to talk.

You think other people are more confident then you but in reality they are not, there probably too nervous to approach you, it takes courage to go upto someone and introduce yourself and small talk. Also turning up every week or month, you recognise people and just smile and say hello. It can take a while don’t give up

im now in my 50’s and it’s taken me 10 years to get to this point, I feel I finally have friends I can call on. I’ve probably met over 1,000 people in last 10 years and can say 2 are now close friends. It’s been hard, at times given up, come home in tears, there are people out there you will click with, just might take a while.

I wish you luck there’s many groups out there, activities, give them a go. Yes walking into a room is hard when you know no one but it gets easier and if it doesn’t work out, try something else.

I’m an introvert and do have friends but I really one socialise one to one, groups tire me out.

i Don’t know how common it is as you see people with a wonderful set of friends but I have several people I talk to in a non serious way but don’t have a close group of friends and the older I get the harder it seems to be but I ont think we’re alone in feeling this way

I agree with others on this thread, don’t do anything excepting to make friends. You don’t want to seem desperate, it will take a while to build up a friendship.

Being a good listener is good tip too, I used to pre plan what I was going to say and you either miss the moment or kill the conversation. Remembering what people say so next time you can say ‘how was your trip’ etc

No, like so many others here, I don’t have any good friends, never have, and I’m early 50s. I’m very fortunate that my fantastic DH is my best friend. I do have a couple of groups of acquaintances but they only go out once a month or so and it’s lonely. I think I’m a good listener; I really try not to talk about myself. I’m probably ND but people seem happy to chat 1 to 1 for hours in the street and then never have time for anything more. I’ve tried joining a couple of groups but no luck so far.

I would describe myself as an introvert that's friendly too. I am also autistic. I do have friends but they are people I see 1 - 1 and not often; I've never been on a girls holiday; like the idea but the reality would exhaust me to be honest! I struggle in a group setting and stay on the edges. I think if you are keen to make connections, you really do have to put the effort in and chat/smile to whoever you come into contact with, join groups based around your interests etc.

Thank you for all the advice.
I think I’m a good listener and often do try and keep conversations going, I’m friendly, even though I’m a naturally quiet, shy person. I often get the impression most people who I stop and talk to, just aren’t interested in engaging much, when I stopped at our local library at the weekend, a much older lady spoke to me and she mostly did the talking, as she was very chatty, older women seem to engage with me more, which I don’t mind, but it would be nice to speak to people my own age, as we’d have more similar interests.
I'm interested in many things, nature, wildlife, current affairs. Of the people who I know of, who have many friends, they all seem to have very outgoing personalities.
Being bullied at school did affect my confidence growing up because I always felt there was something wrong with me, even though I felt I was just a normal girl.
I might look into some hobby/social groups, I think it would be nice to just have one good friend to meet occasionally, so I will see if I can meet a friend that way, if it doesn’t happen, I think I’ll make peace with my own and families company.