DD won't go to school

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My 14 year old will not go to school. Says she doesn't care. She's been referred for ASD. I'm at my wits end and ready for a breakdown. School have been great but they've said they're not concerned until her attendance falls below 30%😭

What does she say the reason is for her not wanting to attend school?

Is this a new occurrence or has she been reluctant for a while?

This is so common now.

Do you know what her issues are at school?

A friend had great success by doing every step as far as possible on a school day - so basically as many of the following steps as possible with the agreement that he can go home at any time - uniform on, in the car, drive to school, get out of car, go into school, go into student support room. She usually found that if they managed the drive to school he would go in and stay most of the day. He had no concrete issues though.

She's too tired and doesnt care we'll get into trouble. Not being bullied either.
The school came to an agreement and she stuck to it one day and now back to not going again.

This is very common with children and teens who are neurodiverse. My own dd was out of school for a year before being offered a place in alternative provision so i completely understand how worried you are. What are school doing to help? Are they at least providing work for her to complete at home?

Have a look on FB at Not Fine in school page. It’s not a case of won’t attend, it’s can’t. Listen to your daughter

Why is she tired on a Monday morning?

The school have said she can go in later and leave earlier and have been so good but she's back to not going again

Exactly this. It's can't not won't, regardless of what she says. My daughter couldn't go to school for more than two years. Also autistic. Mainstream school just isn't suitable for lots of neurodivergent children.

Are you implying something?

Who is this asking?

Hi OP having a child with emotional school avoidance I can relate to you. My 14 year old was out of school for most of last year - he is on the pathway for ASD/ADHD diagnosis and has PDA traits. However his burnout was triggered by low iron/low vitamin d levels which made him very tired so I recommend firstly you have your DD’s bloods checked.
Despite my son returning to school and seemingly thriving, he has undergone a nervous system burnout due to extended masking and is worse than before 😔 It’s been such a stressful time and although I’m more prepared this time round (after extensive research, talking to every health professional going, getting CAHMS involved and obtaining an EHCP) it’s heartbreaking seeing him so shut down, not engaging nor leaving the house for 2 months so far. I’m trying to focus on his mental health before we think about education as last time that was a major source of stress for me. He ended up doing home learning for several months but at the moment I’m not sure he is even ready to do that 😔
Teenagers do need more sleep around this age as hormones play a big role and also there is so much pressure on this age group with upcoming exams. Try to find out the root cause (do blood tests to rule out any deficiencies for tiredness first), see whether she may be neurodivergent and then try to see if there’s any issues with school itself. With my son he genuinely was happy at school so no reason for refusal other than his body/mind just shut down.
Not fine at school on Facebook is very useful. So sad to see so many kids struggling.

It's only common because so many are allowed to get away with it

Extremely judgmental post. There are children genuinely suffering and struggling. You have no idea the hell a parent goes through when they have a child who is unable to go to school. It’s so isolating as people are so quick to think it’s the parents fault. Believe you me, I tried moving heaven and earth for my neurodivergent teenager to get back into school. It’s been an awful year and he is now in total burnout as a result.

Fair enough but she needs an education. Can she home school? She is old enough to organise her time and lessons. Maybe have a tutor once or twice a week. I think schools do organise this.

Yes, there are children genuinely struggling and suffering. They're in a distinct minority and still need to be supported not to avoid school. So many others shouldn't be indulged at all when they jump on this bandwagon, seeing it as special treatment or an easy life, as it will cause them to struggle and suffer due to the lack of education and stability. If you're allowed to opt out of normal society it is very difficult to participate.

Mainstream school left my child with an eating disorder, anxiety and depression. Get to fuck with your ridiculous comment.

There is a huge shortage of EOTAS provision available. Please, unless you are a parent who has walked this path, save the judgemental comments. Our country and government are hugely failing a large number of children, most of those are neurodivergent or have a learning disability.

Maybe it did, but you must accept that isn't common, as in the acceptable baseline to be expected for most children in education.

Given that an anecdotal example isn't well documented as being the case for the same number of children refusing to attend school it stands to reason that too many are being given the impression it's optional.

She is likely in autistic burnout. Please look above at Not Fine in School website. Some great books on this also eg, ‘your child is not broken’. It’s not like the govt says, parents being too weak to send their kids to school. I really encouraged of my neurodivergent children to school in primary. It almost broke her in y7 and then Covid came along and she relished learning at home and transitioned well to school. Another of my neurodivergent children attempted suicide and was hospitalised. She said it was because of school and didn’t want to go. A third of my neurodivergent children had had trouble for many years and has now been permanently out of school for a year. They all have EHCPs. They fall in between mainstream and special. All articulate. The one in y13 has 80 per cent attendance. She has just had a uni offer from a prestigious London uni.

the golden thread is they they are neurodivergent females. The school system creates a lot of anxiety for them.

It's very common for a teen with ASD which is what the OP probably has. If you don't, then you really should accept you have no idea what the OP is dealing with.

When she says she's too tired to go in she probably means too overwhelmed OP. And she says she doesn't care about any consequences because she just can't cope with going in. Is home schooling a possibility? Secondary school is brutal for a lot of kids with ASD.

Has your daughter been unwell? Virus for example. Is the not wanting to go to school been sudden, when previously she was attending fine? She may have PANS. My niece has this and it's taken years for her to be diagnosed. Children who are ND are at a higher risk of developing it.

Unhelpful.

My own daughter used to have panic attacks in the car and vomit at the thought of going in. But yes, clearly this was only because she was ‘allowed to get away with it’. What a load of nonsense.

Absolutely. My son who is suspected ADHD/ASD is very academic and was excelling in all his subjects. He is in fact the most intelligent of my children, however he is experiencing his second burnout in high school. He does not fall into category of a specialised school yet seemingly can’t cope in a mainstream environment. It’s these kids who fall through the cracks and there is little support for them.

Someone saying it isn’t common - well I’m part of a group in UK with over 70,000 members with children struggling to attend school so I would say it’s a pretty big problem. Most of them are neurodivergent and people ask why so many kids are being diagnosed these days - well obviously we have far more awareness, but a lot of ND conditions are genetically inherited so I think has humans have evolved, there are more babies born with neurological conditions in their DNA. We still don’t know how much environmental factors contribute. My child has always been different - because his brain is literally wired differently. Humans don’t fit into a one size fits all box. Society is just not equipped for kids who struggle with day to day life.

If she is not already at burn out then school need to be putting more into place to support her. I don’t know what has happened so far so you maybe already doing this stuff. I’m not expert, just a parent who had been on this journey for a while.

You need a meeting with SENCO to discuss what they can do to reduce the sensory and social demands on your child so she doesn’t become dysregulated. They should be making these changes on need not diagnosis but that often doesn’t happen. Look at the austic girls network for things which may help. My child is younger but things that school put in place before diagnosis include take a break cards, places to go at break times, movement breaks (I would like more), use of fidget toys and ear loops.

Look into what you can do at home to help her regulate. Depending on her need needs heavy work is good place to start.

It’s twee but the phrase ‘She isn’t giving me a hard time, she is having a hard time’ helps me to think about how I react to different situations.