DD won't go to school

[BoldPinkPoster]

My 14 year old will not go to school. Says she doesn't care. She's been referred for ASD. I'm at my wits end and ready for a breakdown. School have been great but they've said they're not concerned until her attendance falls below 30%😭

Yet you seem to think you can diagnose her from a few posts on Mumsnet

That’s even more worrying. Just because you’ve done something doesn’t mean you have done it well.

You seem to be totally unaware that the first few years of Secondary School is when a very high proportion of girls with ASD are diagnosed or go on the long waiting lists for diagnosis.

They cope by masking well at their small Primary schools. They may in fact do very well at Primary School. Secondary School with more crowds, noise and pressure is a well known tipping point. This can include children where ASD hasn't even be suspected before and is very prevalent with girls.

The fact that you don't know this tells me all I need to know about your knowledge levels on this.

OP and everyone going through this, you have my every sympathy. If it gives you hope, my DD is now back in school for 6th form and is happier. The school have made many accommodations for ASD (diagnosed last year) after a hellish time in Y10 and Y11 where at the lowest point, she essentially shutdown, barely went to school or ate for 6 months.
It was without a doubt the most stressful period of my life (and I include losing a parent during COVID lockdown).

If I had read the judgemental and ill informed posts on this thread when she was like that, it would have really compounded the feelings of guilt, shame and frustration of not being able to get her into school.

@BoldPinkPoster for us, working with the school was key in getting a reduced timetable, work sent home and various other accommodations made in order for her to access her education.
She also accessed private counselling, but I know that is not easily available to everyone.
We are fortunate and have found the school to be keen to support even if the resources are stretched. Building a good relationship between us (parents and DD) and HoY, SENCO and Attendance Officer has been key.

I wish you well - this book was really helpful, she has written others too.

Can't Not Won't: A Story About A Child Who Couldn't Go To School https://g.co/kgs/jzoSEUe

My 14 yo old is nearly 6ft. No way I could bundle him. I can’t even lift his leg!

Wow 30% ?! My DS's attendance dropped to 94% and I got letters from school saying action would be taken if it falls lower.

It’s not a new thing. I couldn’t cope with school or uni in the 90s. I got an ASD diagnosis last year.
My son didn’t attend for two years, he is ASD.

We need to look at why school isn’t meeting the needs of so many.

Dr Naomi Fisher is very experienced in teenage burnouts and neurodivergence. She has written several books and does many seminars on a wide range of subjects including online courses covering school avoidance and reasons behind it, burnouts etc. She is so insightful and was a big help to me.

I never got away with it. I ran out of school and couldn’t keep myself safe. I was absolutely traumatised by school and more so by being a vulnerable teen wandering the streets day in day out.

long may our children ‘get away with it’

just silently chortling at the idea of 'forcing' a 14 year old to do a single thing that they don't want to do.

OP your child is likely ND but even if they are not there is no way you can physically force a teenager to do something they won't do.

The same poster said something about banning electronics. This goes against CAMHS advice, if a YP is withdrawing from normal activities the very last thing you do is to punish them by taking away the ability to communicate with their peers.

As parents we have to draw a fine line between getting our kids to comply and keeping them safe. A teenager who doesn't want to be in school doesn't feel safe there. Find out why.

Education is important but it doesn't only happen in school. We can be good adult role models to our teens. We can try to listen and explain the importance of education but that should never come at the cost of a YPs mental health.

I will add here that I speak with experience. I had a teen who 'school refused' who is now living away from home at his first year of university. If I'd listened to the 'common sense' parents there's no way he would have been able to recover to go back to education.

People like to give opinions off the back of no- experience of this - ignore, ignore, ignore.

Exactly what @lifeturnsonadime says. I have a ND teen and have friends who have. Mine refuses often for what seems like random reasons but not to them.
I’ve got to the point where as long as they are safe & do study / home work on those days I can do no more

Our 10 year old daughter has been out of school since January, she has masked for so long at primary school. Puberty is having a huge impact too, she is so young to be experiencing all these issues. We have waited 30 months for a diagnosis, the appt is in a few weeks. Her mental health has deteriorated substantially, the affect it has on our other children is absolutely heartbreaking. We have two other children who have to witness our little girl attacking her parents, trashing the house, having meltdown after meltdown. We suspect od has Autism and OCD, we have attended A and E , rang the Crisis team numerous times when she is in episodes of Psychosis. There is no way you can force a child into school when they are this unwell, it would just cause more suffering and trauma. There is no support for these children, the system is broken and families are left to suffer. I am currently awaiting the result of a review from the Chief Exec of NHS and the MP. We will continue to fight for our children because nobody else will.