How to warn children about kidnapping effectively without traumatising them?

[JustPassingThyme]

I am wondering how you can effectively warn your children about the dangers that are out there, such as kidnapping and stranger danger etc, without frightening them too much.

My grandmother warned my mother about “dirty old men”, but as a child she interpreted it to mean really old men that were actually physically dirty so she wasn’t aware that other people could be a danger.

My mother improved on that by telling me horrible people would take my away, lock me in a cupboard and make me clean their house. While that did keep me safe and made me aware of danger, I think that the news also contributed to my awareness.

While I was growing up there was stories about missing children in the news like Madeline McCann. My mum had the news about Sarah Payne. I don’t recall this but apparently when I was really young, I asked my mother about two girls we saw when we were out, if they were Holly and Jessica. So even from a very young age the awareness of missing children had been conveyed. However, they don’t put those stories in the news anymore, I suspect because of what happened with Shannon Mathews.

So how do you warn children and make them aware of danger without telling them all the horrifying details that even as an adult I wish I didn’t know.

I don't think scary stories are the way to go, and I personally didn't let my young kids watch the news, so even if it was one there, they wouldnt see it.

I went with simple and clear rules.
Not everyone is kind, some people can be nasty and hurt children.
Never go with someone who isn't Mummy or Daddy, unless we have told you it is OK.
Never go in someone's car, unless we have told you it is OK
If we can't pick you up from school, we will phone school and school will tell you who is taking you home.
If someone stops and offers you a lift, say no, even if it is someone that you know.
Even a friends Dad. Because if we haven't said it is OK then it isn't OK.

They knew, even from day 1 at school, who was allowed to collect them, and not to go home with anyone else. The list was very short. If there was a playdate, then we were very clear, today you are going home with XX because you are going to play at their house. This is just for today.
We may have been quite strong about this because I didn't trust the father of one of their friends. He was very friendly and his sons were both good friends with my youngest 2, and we did have playdates - at our house.
But there were a couple of things I was hesistant about and a few years later he was accused of abusing his girlfriends kids, so I was right to be wary.

Remember, it isn't strangers who are the issue, it is people that they know. Most people are abused by people that they know.

Why kidnapping?

Statistically, they are much more likely to die in a car crash. It's cars you should be warning them about.

I remember Stranger Danger videos in the 1980s. Strangers were likely to offer you some sweets or invite you to see some puppies and kittens, but you had to say no. This inspired me to walk up to blameless random strangers, should 'NO!' and run off giggling.

Lots of free resources for this on twinkl

114 Top "Stranger Danger" Teaching Resources curated for you

I taught my children that not every adult was a safe person. Even ones that looked nice.

That I would never ever send a stranger to collect them.

That adults never ever need “help” from children.

That you never take sweets/ice cream from a stranger.

That surprises are ok but secrets are not.

That safe adults will never ask you to keep a secret.

That safe adults will never try to take you to a new location without your parent’s knowledge.

if you get lost and need help ask a woman with children to help you.

And the most important one: it is totally ok to be “rude” to an adult that makes you feel uncomfortable. You can say “no”, or “go away” or leave the room/run away etc and I will back you up.

Have a look at Clever Never Goes. Might be helpful for you.

I don’t know any parent who doesn’t teach their kid about safety crossing the road, using seatbelts etc.

I don’t talk about kidnapping but with younger kids I say I always have to know where they are. So basically don’t go to someone’s house, get in someone’s car, without asking me. I do this all the time so it is a standard rule (eg if gran is nipping to the shops and they are going with, they have to come and tell me. Or if they are at the park by themselves, they go straight there and back and they have to come home at an agreed time.)

The difficulty is when they are teenagers and have more freedom, making a judgment about who to trust becomes more complex.

We're not choosing between teaching them stranger danger or to wear a seatbelt, most parents manage both.

What about stories and fairy tales "would you go into the house like Hansel and Gretal?" No, because you don't know her - you only go into houses with people you know and when your mummy has said it's ok.

I think focusing on what they do - concrete rules - rather than what might happen is the way forward. You can also say that you are worried when you don't know where they are and its important you know.

I’ve done this since my children were very young but in an age appropriate way.

I told them that unfortunately just like there are naughty children in school, there are bad adults who go to prison.

When they went on school trips I always told them if they got lost to approach a person working at the place with a name badge on or a mother with children to tell them they are lost.

I told them to never get into a strangers car.

If someone follows them to go into a shop and tell the shopkeeper.

If someone stops their car to speak to them, to run.

As they’ve got older I’ve told my daughter if anyone tries to grab her to bite them or kick them in the crotch.

You can’t shield them from the dangers of the world, but I don’t think it needs backing up with example stories. The same way as you tell them to look both ways to cross the road, or put their seat belt on etc. They just need safety instructions.

Yes, it’s good to teach children safety rules like adults shouldn’t have secrets with children, never go off with or get in a car with someone unless we have told you it’s ok. It doesn’t matter if they ask for help or offer you toys/puppies/kittens/sweets/ice cream/fizzy drinks/pizza/burgers/kebabs etc.

I’m also aware that it’s not just strangers that might be a risk, so I will be warning my children that sometimes people can be horrible, and it doesn’t matter if they are a friend’s parent, a teacher, or someone from the local shop.

What I’m unsure about is what to say when children ask why do I have to follow these rules? How do you convey the importance of following them? The idea of using fairy tales is great for younger children. However, I’m sure once they are tweens/teenagers because Mum said so or fairy tales won’t be sufficient.

By the time they are tweens/teenagers they will be aware that bad people often go to prison. If they ask why they need to be safe, you tell them the truth, because sometimes bad people also hurt people they don’t know. By that age they will be aware of the news . In my children’s school from y4 onwards they watch BBC newsround in school so they will likely be more aware than you realise.

You could always use a password for pick ups
We also used it when I was older as a no questions asked get out - I could ring or text it and my dad would come and get me
It’s ingrained now, I could ring my dad at 3am and say it and he would be in the car in his dressing gown! I only had to use it twice

I can think of a dozen things I would want children to be warned about before I would start on kidnapping and stranger danger. Stranger danger in particular is particularly misguided and unhelpful.

Agree - what I’ve tried really hard to get across to my DS, whilst being tactful and hopefully not terrifying him, is that there aren’t “good” and “bad” people there are just “people” and any person acting strangely or making him feel uncomfortable could be a person whose intentions aren’t kind.

It’s so hard explaining the nuances to kids. For example he asked me if his friends dad is “good” now I’m as sure as I can be about anyone that he is, but I tried to say we believe he is - but we judge on their behaviour and if that changes then they might not be.

Rather than focus on strangers, reinforce the idea of people who they can trust. One of the problems of “Stranger Danger” was that children don’t always understand what’s meant by a stranger and may assume that because e.g. the woman who works in the bakery always says hello to them, or their parents pass the time of day with the man who lives at the end of the street, these people are not strangers and can be trusted. It’s important to make it clear that just because you know and recognise somebody, these are not people they can automatically trust or should accept lifts from etc.

It’s also really important not to dissuade them from asking for help from a stranger immediately if they are lost: the likelihood of the person they approach to ask for help happening to be a kidnapper is small; but the likelihood of a somebody with ill intentions seeing a child wandering about who is clearly lost and approaching them is greater.

I’m not sure how old your DC are now, but I can assure you by the time they are tweens/teenagers they will be well aware that there are dangerous people in the world.

There is almost no risk of kidnapping..
Cases of kidnapping are usually estranged parents

It doesn't enter my mind

There is almost no risk of my house catching fire and burning down, it doesn't enter my mind. I still have smoke alarms.

You have more risk of a fire

Kidnapping is really not a big risk unless you (the parents) are celebrities.

I talked to DC about that some bullies (a familiar concept from fiction) like to pretend to be nice to get people to trust them and then turn out to be mean once they have got someone away from their parents, so it's really important to never go with someone you don't know even if they seem nice, or promise sweets or puppies, if I haven't specifically said its ok.

Sadly the vast majority of danger to children comes from people they know, so stranger danger isn't the most important topic for teaching kids about dangers.

Have you compared the annual number of houses fires to the number of houses with the annual number of non family member child kidnappinga to the number of children?

Id be amazed if the one isn't way higher than the other

This exactly.

Children are at far, far greater risk of their family harming them. That's just a fact. Look at the actual statistics rather than facebook anecdotes.

I have brought up two brave, sensible and independent children in an area of London which is not at all 'leafy' and I grew up in a rough part of London myself. It has never once occurred to me to worry about kidnapping.

I think this is what fairy stories are for a safe environment to learn about scary stuff. So Little Red Riding Hood..you point out she obviously had a feeling something wasn’t right. You know if you have a bad feeling about someone , trust your instinct. Hansel and Gretel. a house made of sweeties..well that’s too good to be true,isn’t it
Segways into - . What would you do if a stranger offered you sweeties?

I feel the need to resurrect this thread. The pish posh, don’t be so ridiculous, that will never happen, so called “reassurances” never sat well with me. It's because they just aren’t relevant anymore. We live in a very different country to the one we all grew up in. It also doesn’t seem like this country will change. This problem will only get worse as the years go on. This a new reality we must accept that if we are to navigate it.

How can we keep children safe?

I am not basing my informed cautiousness on Facebook anecdotes 🙄. This is from the British Transport Police.

https://www.btp.police.uk/news/btp/news/in-the-courts/man-jailed-for-attempted-kidnapping--liverpool/

https://www.thetimes.com/uk/crime/article/casey-to-call-for-new-national-inquiry-into-grooming-gangs-ktsf00vlm

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2025/01/24/asylum-seekers-loitering-northamptonshire-school-police/

It’s cultural apparently 🤔.

So again, I ask for advice, how do you warn and prepare children about the dangers they face in the world today?

If you think it’s all ridiculous and live in a make-believe world where it doesn’t happen, fine, don’t protect your children.

Regardless you will never be able to convince me not to protect mine.

Thankfully it's very, very rare that a child is abducted by a stranger. They are more at risk from someone they know. I remember at school being taught not go go with someone even if it was someone I knew like a neighbour. At the time I couldn't understand why a neighbour might harm me because it'd been drummed in to us about stranger danger, it never occurred to me that the bad man could be some I knew.