How to warn children about kidnapping effectively without traumatising them?

[JustPassingThyme]

I am wondering how you can effectively warn your children about the dangers that are out there, such as kidnapping and stranger danger etc, without frightening them too much.

My grandmother warned my mother about “dirty old men”, but as a child she interpreted it to mean really old men that were actually physically dirty so she wasn’t aware that other people could be a danger.

My mother improved on that by telling me horrible people would take my away, lock me in a cupboard and make me clean their house. While that did keep me safe and made me aware of danger, I think that the news also contributed to my awareness.

While I was growing up there was stories about missing children in the news like Madeline McCann. My mum had the news about Sarah Payne. I don’t recall this but apparently when I was really young, I asked my mother about two girls we saw when we were out, if they were Holly and Jessica. So even from a very young age the awareness of missing children had been conveyed. However, they don’t put those stories in the news anymore, I suspect because of what happened with Shannon Mathews.

So how do you warn children and make them aware of danger without telling them all the horrifying details that even as an adult I wish I didn’t know.

The trouble is stranger abduction is rare so I made sure I empowered my DS. I thought that if people knew he'd kick off he was less of a target. I was usually around as well so anyone would know he would be missed.

I was horrified at the amount of children who were allowed to roam. But then I was over protective.

I also tempered it by giving him a list of safe people if something happened like a teller at a store, a police woman or a woman with children.

What did you do - tell them to be scared of anybody who doesn't look like them?

Your articles are behind a pay wall. Except the irrelevant to this thread one about a man attacking an adult woman. I suspect you are being just a teeny bit racist.

Yeah just tell them brown people are bad. Job done.

Ian Brady. Myra Hindley. Roy Whiting. Robert Black. Ian Huntley. Fred and Rose West.

All abductors. All child killers with a cultural similarity ie, white British.

In all seriousness, why the fixation on kidnap by a stranger? They are far more at risk of harm from someone they know, so focus on the fact that some adults are not nice, even if they appear to be.

Stranger kidnapping is such an extremely rare scenario that it's not something worth focusing on. "Stranger danger" also gives children the false impression that people they know well can always be trusted.

We've taught our DD5 to never get in a car with anyone unless Mummy or Daddy have specifically told her that that person is picking them up, even if the person says Mummy or Daddy have given permission.

We've also told her that some grown-ups are "tricky people" and told her the red flags to look out for, such as asking her to keep secrets from Mummy or Daddy or do anything that makes her feel funny in her tummy.

I think that's enough to be honest. Making up stories about things a potential abductor could do isn't conducive to building trusting relationships, and I'm certainly not going to tell a 5 yo the truth about what a child sex offender could do.

Grooming gangs (which, incidentally, can contain people from all sorts of cultures) will get to know a child first (hence the grooming part) and often have some sort of connection (family friend, friend of a friend etc), so the notion of ‘stranger danger’ is pretty null and void.
Stories of children being attacked/nearly attacked by strangers make the news for a very good reason - thankfully they don’t happen very often at all.
The stories that don’t make the news are the multiple daily occurrences of someone being assaulted by their sibling, parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle, neighbour, babysitter, tutor, teacher, sports coach, boyfriend/girlfriend, school mate, family friend, friend’s parent etc etc.
It is much more important to teach our children to be alert to any unwanted behaviour than just to worry about strangers.

It's a bit of a flip from telling ten year olds 'You know all those fairy stories where you learned not to go off with strangers, never go into somebody's house, don't stray off the path, don't fiddle with textile machinery, let scammers convince you they're selling something amazing in return for a cow enough to feed us all for a year or go into other people's gardens and be mistrustful of old ladies offering sweeties or apples? It's how we teach children before they're old enough to realise that the Big Bad Wolf and Wicked Witches are stories to protect them against bad people' to 'Danger, Danger, Brown is for Danger', isn't it?

It's not that you shouldn't warn them, but that how you warn them shouldn't be focused on stranger-danger or the possibility of kidnap because those aren't the biggest risks. The warning about "some bullies pretend to be nice" that I gave back in march is useful because in the terrible (but actually much more likely) scenario that a teacher/activity leader/other trusted adult turns out to be an awful person, this can be understood and explained in the same way. I wouldn't want to introduce too young a child to the concept that they shouldn't trust the adults who they actually know, but a first step to understanding enough is being familiar with the idea that untrustworthy people do exist, as well as the PANTS acronym that NSPCC teach (you can download lesson resources from the NSPCC website to talk about that in various age-appropriate ways). Getting overly obsessive with the remote possibility of kidnap is a poor use of a child's limited capacity for self-protection, better to give them tools that will give them awareness of boundaries that apply equally to strangers and to the kindly smiling school caretaker who gives out sweets and occasionally seeks out opportunities to get a vulnerable child isolated in the school changing room (which is what happened to me)

Firstly I am not fixated on abduction by a stranger, it is however a possibility and unfortunately does happen. There is an interesting, yet also tragic statistic, that compared to the 1 in 200 children reported missing each year 1 in 10 children being looked after by the state are reported missing each year. Children are looked after by the state because there is nobody that they know able to take care of them appropriately. So who is the cause of all the children in care going missing?

I started this thread months ago asking for advice on how to talk to children about one of the dangers they face. As has been pointed out kidnapping is something that is done by men and women of all different races. I have mentioned nothing at all about race? I find it odd that I am being accused of racism when others are the one's talking about people's skin colour.

Today I merely saw the video of that girl almost being kidnapped and it reminded me of this thread. It is hardly my fault that YOU have found certain common denominators in the news articles regarding dangers to children. Please do share the news articles about all the white kidnappers etc that are a danger to children today. I would love to be even more informed on this safety issue.

Looking at the news again just now and seen this.

https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2025/jun/14/keir-starmer-national-inquiry-grooming-gangs

Regardless, I asked for advice on how to talk to children about the dangers of the world and how to keep them safe. Please could you answer my question.

And that's what people have told you, to talk to them about the actual dangers, not something you've blown out of proportion in your own head.

Grooming gangs do not randomly take children off the street. They target children in vulnerable circumstances, particularly those who won't really be missed, like those in state care, or form relationships with the family to gain their trust.

The clue is in the name; they "groom" children and sometimes whole families for abuse.

You want to stop that happening to your child, have lots and lots of honest, non-judgemental chats with them. Make sure they know that whatever they've done, from smoking and drinking to sending nudes online, there's never a situation where they can't come to you if they feel scared or uncomfortable.

If you want to focus on men in white vans grabbing them off the street then that's up to you but it won't keep them safe.

Excellent list.

The video was not of a child.

It’s cultural apparently

You didn't mean white British culture @JustPassingThyme As others have said, grooming gangs are doing exactly that, it is a real issue but it is not the same as stranger abduction, also first example in your post of today was a 19 year old, not a child.

Please do share the news articles about all the white kidnappers etc that are a danger to children today

None of us will know who they are until they do something, will we? Just like the examples I cited.

If you weren’t talking about race, what exactly did you mean by ‘seems to be cultural’?

It did not occur to me to teach my children to avoid kidnapping. We are in Scotland. There are far greater statistical dangers to them. I did teach them to listen to their own bodies and recognise that ‘uneasy’ feeling you get around people who are not to be trusted. My top 3 concerns were:

Sexual abuse by a man or boy known to us
Traffic
Being online

I agree there are many other safety concerns for children. I feel very confident discussing them. It is this specific topic I am unsure about how to discuss, hence why I asked for advice.

Well I have already answered that question. What's wrong with my answer?

The stats you give for children going missing are mostly not stranger-kidnap. Roughly 100,000 instances of a child being reported missing per year. The stats for kidnap being fewer than 1000 attempted kidnaps, with roughly half of those being by strangers and the other half by known adults (often an estranged parent who the courts have decreed shouldn't be trusted for contact visits) and less than 10% being successful. So 99.9% of missing children were not kidnapped.

the vast majority of cases of a child reported missing are deeply troubled children (obviously overrepresented among children in care) choosing, due to either their mental ill-health or to their home situation being genuinely awful, not to be where they are supposed to. A friend of mind has a daughter who is anorexic, deeply anxious and depressed and with a history of self harm. She goes missing on average once every 6 months, and is eventually found after much heartbreak for her parents and extraordinary efforts from the emergency services. She's 16. Another acquaintance (don't know her well enough to call her a friend) works in a residential home for teens whose foster home placements break down or never get established, and she says each of those children go missing regularly. Cases like this make up the 99.9%.

Why are you taking statistics that don't apply to your children to try to work up a panic about something that can, and should, be covered as a minor mention while teaching much more important lessons for recognising and responding to risk.

When you use the PANTS acronym

P = privates are private.
A = Always remember your body belongs to you
N = No means No
T = talk about secrets that upset you
S = Speak up, someone can help

You can weave into each of those an understanding that bullies exist who want you to not know these 5 things, or not act on them, or stop you from talking to mum and dad if something happens, and you might include in that a mention of the idea of someone trying to take you somewhere you don't want to go, but that's not the focus. The focus is teaching them that they are loved, that they can be confident in themselves, and that if they ever get a tingling alarm bell in their head of noticing that someone doesn't understand these 5 things (eg "don't tell your mum but come into my house to see my puppies") then they should trust that alarm bell. This needs to be taught in a way that doesn't assume the threat is coming from a stranger. That will keep your children far safer.

I liked this book for my young/primary school kids: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Super-Duper-Safety-School-Grown-Ups/dp/0984747214/ref=asc_df_0984747214?mcid=2ddad964d7fb3f55b87dd5c732838db2&th=1&psc=1&hvocijid=11278024367290424649-0984747214-&hvexpln=74&tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=696285193871&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=11278024367290424649&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9045872&hvtargid=pla-2281435176698&psc=1&gad_source=1&dplnkId=699bfcc2-fb8b-45b2-a9ac-8e89bb8ff500&nodl=1

It has several messages focused on “tricky people” and how to spot them and how to stay safe. Labelling someone as “tricky” is much easier than “bad”.

Please teach your daughters and sons how to get away if they are grabbed. Yes it is rare but it happened to me when I was 13 in a "nice area' near my school. A man grabbed me and tried to pull me towards him, his car was waiting. I kicked him in the shin as hard as I possibly could, as I was told to and got away. Yes it is rare but it can happen.

I think it's much more important to teach about safe and unsafe behaviors, the unsafe behaviours being things like asking to keep secrets from mummy, telling you something bad will happen if you tell the secret etc
So much more likely someone they know will harm them than a stranger.

I think you can say in gereral never go anywhere with a stranger say I want to find my mummy first, and shout GO AWAY YOIREE NOT MY MUMMY and go and find another mummy to help you if someone tries to take you away from
Where you're playing even if they say they need help with somethjng, safe adult ask other adults for help not children

I am sorry that happened to you, and so glad you managed to get away safely.

All the poster insisting that kidnapping doesn’t ever happen and when it does it’s someone you know and the child is usually quickly returned, what statistics are you basing that certainty on? Statistics from 20, 30, 40 years ago? Or the statistics that have been manipulated by journalists and the home office as admitted by the grooming gangs enquiry? There was an entire chapter on denial. Perhaps your false sense of confidence is due to the statistics that are deliberately not recorded by the police and other professionals?

https://www.kentlive.news/news/kent-news/child-asylum-seekers-kidnapped-gangs-8062621

https://x.com/Lewis_Brackpool/status/1933403966647513293

https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/crimeandjustice/bulletins/crimeinenglandandwales/yearendingdecember2024#data-on-crime-in-england-and-wales

To all the people worried I am hysterical about this – I promise I am not panicking 😁. I understand that kidnapping is not likely, however it is not completely unlikely, thus I’d rather prepare my children just in case.

There has been some good advice on this thread, however it isn't quite the advice I'm looking for. Perhaps I wasn’t clear enough previously. I can easily inform my children of the rules around personal boundaries and safe behaviour etc. I am unsure on what to say when they ask WHY they should follow those rules?

For example, a conversation about safety in the kitchen:

Me: “Don’t touch the dish that has just come out of the oven.”

Child: “Why?”

Me: “It’s very hot, if you touch it, you will burn yourself which is very painful.”

So, if this was a conversation about personal safety:

Me: “Never go off with someone or get in the car with someone no matter what. It doesn’t matter if you know them or not, if they say I said it was ok. Not if they ask for help, or if they offer you something nice. Always check with a parent first”

Child: “Why?”

Me: ???????

This is what I am unsure about. How do I answer the question why. What reason do I give for that rule. I want to explain the realities in a truthful way that effectively conveys the danger while also not getting into all the horrible traumatising details.

I agree kidnap risk is an excessigely small problem in reality.

Around safety I like the concept of 'tricky people', which is just gently explaining that you can't trust everyone, and putting it into context. This article explains a bit about it: https://thegentlecounsellor.com/talking-to-your-child-about-safety-strangers-tricky-people/

I'm very against telling kids not to talk to strangers - sometimes kids need to talk to strangers for their own safety. I've heard of scenarios where lost kids have run away from people looking for them because they hear 'strangers' calling their name and think they need to get away from them, and thus got more lost.

I prefer saying that you don't go anywhere with strangers, or even with people they know if their parents or a teacher have not told them to go with them (because that's more likely to be a risk than a total stranger)

Surely just a simple:
’because some people aren’t nice and can hurt you’ conveys the importance truthfully without going into any gruesome details.