Effective self help options for problematic thinking patterns?

[stickydate]

I have just had a kind of epiphany at the age of 46 that I might have been somewhat mentally unwell my whole adult life. I have struggled a lot in life to do the things I really want to, to make the most of my abilities, with friendships and with my appearance but I've always dismissed the possibility that I had some kind of mental health issue because I have mostly felt ok. By that I mean I haven't been living with crushing despair, overwhelming anxiety, anger issues or serious self harm but I am now seeing that my thinking has been consistently pretty awful.

I have always dealt with a lot of rumination, intrusive and obsessional thinking, about the past, sometimes the distant past, where I am always looking for answers, regretting even tiny mistakes and more recent events where I worry about what I said to people, did I hurt their feelings, worrying that they don't like me, think I'm boring or ugly. I also tend to deal with some anxiety about things like if my husband is a bit later getting home I will start to worry something has happened to him. I'm quite bad when I leave the house especially if I'll be gone for a few hours that I haven't locked the door or switched things off, or at night that I haven't closed the downstairs windows so I'll have to get up and check although even to this day I've never actually left anything on or open.

I'm aware my self esteem is quite low but I don't think this is uncommon, I think lots of people struggle with that kind of thing, perhaps all of the above. I haven't actually worked for about 10 years now due to chronic migraine and fibromyalgia although I don't get benefits as my husband earns over the threshold for support, I am on record as being too ill to work. I don't know if my issues with physically pain are due to my thinking but I don't think they will be helping.

I a also aware that I use a lot of maladaptive strategies to help me deal with my difficult thoughts and pain such as over eating, escapism of one kind or another, all fairly tame, no drugs or booze, I don't even drink but these behaviours are still what I'd consider maladaptive and mostly likely doing more harm than good. I always assumed my ability to be in a good or at least ok mood was positive but it might just be a form of escaping and not effectively dealing with the issue.

I am looking for self help strategies, books or online content that might help with this kind of thing? It feels like a bad time to be asking for help for this kind of thing from the NHS and I can't afford private care therapy so I am looking for self help options?

This is a great place to start https://www.ted.com/talks/guy_winch_why_we_all_need_to_practice_emotional_first_aid

then I’d look at Dr Nicole LePera on Instagram or her books How to do the work and How to meet yourself are great.

Daniel Goleman on Emotional Intelligence is the classic textbook too.

good luck

Following! Very similar here OP. I think I’ve spent 11 years in a bad mental place. Finally started counselling and it is helping.

She has peeled layers and layers away to reveal a few crucial moments for me. Horribly painful but it’s good to process them. Turns out I’ve been struggling since I was 14

If only I could shake the “shame” away.

🫂

Apparently writing a letter to your child self and another letter from when you’re 80 to your current self can really help. You need to do it a few times (apparently) x

I also (strangely) found AI to be useful with techniques. I didn’t sign in and I used incognito so it didn’t “learn” things about me.

But it was almost as useful as my counsellor! And free 💐

I appreciate some people may not like this idea but I was desperate and ruminating excessively at the time x

These sound like traits of OCD, which exist on a spectrum. You're at the less impactful end of the spectrum, with caution required though, because a life crisis could trigger a spiral.

CBT is good for addressing negative thought patterns like rumination. There are lots of free resources online, that you can tailor to yourself (pick the aspects that work for you).

Chatter by Ethan Kross helped me realise how badly I was ruminating. I've never posted before but had to recommend when I read your post. Cheaper than therapy 😂Hope all the suggestions help!

@Defiantly41 Thank you so much for those recommendations, I will definitely check them all out! I will order a copy of Nicole Le Pera's book.

@Gardeninggirl123 Really sorry to hear you are struggling with this kind of thing as well but its great you are finally getting some help for these issues. I really admire you for taking that step. I will definitely try your suggestion of writing to my inner child, I did have sone degree of trauma in my childhood and early adulthood which I think has contributed to my issues, and I never even thought of using Al for this kind of thing, that's a great suggestion! Thank you for responding and best of luck on your journey to recovery 🤗

@SassK Yeah I was thinking that myself and I agree its at the lower end of the spectrum although its effects have been quite insidious. I suppose even knowing this might make it easier to seek help if it ever does spiral.

@ArtfulHam I'm honoured to have prompted your first post! Thank you so much for the recommendation, it sounds like a really good place to start for me! I'm going to get it on audible today and start listening! Thanks again!

I immediately jumped on Ethan Kross and now listening to him on YouTube!

You’re most welcome @stickydate ☺️ 🤗 I’m going to follow this thread and get some more ideas too. Therapy is SO expensive and I’m not sure how much I can justify spending on it! Especially since I had to quit my job due to my mental health 😭 which I regret but am job hunting now

I think therapy / counselling is often cheaper than people think and can make a massive difference in a very short space of time. Think 6 to 10 sessions. If you live in an expensive area search outside your area for therapists working on Zoom etc. That's what I did.

I am quite like you OP and am reading with interest.

That’s a very good point. In my area it’s £50ph - £100ph

Thankfully I found a therapist I click with but it is pricey. I might start going every other week to reduce the fees. She makes me feel so calm and understood.

I feel quite similar to how you describe yourself, OP. In the past 2 years I've realised that there is something quite different about the way my brain works. It started when I attended a neurodiversity seminar at work, begrudgingly as I thought it was a pointless event but I had to attend. A colleague described her ADHD and it was a total lightbulb moment. She literally described me word for word. I'd honestly never given 'how I am' a thought prior to that, or realised any of the things I do or think were not typical. I haven't sought a diagnosis as the ADHD service where I live has shut it's doors to new referrals. I have completed the self-assessment and scored very highly. I find myself getting worse as I get older and I think it's due to the over-stimulated world we now live in. It's been really eye opening to look back over my life and realise there is a reason for so many of the (quite risky) things I've done, choices I've made, and the way I've been with people.

I have been looking a lot into emotional intelligence as my tendency to over-react to the slightest (perceived) criticism was reaching the point where it might become a problem at work. I attended a free course on it at work which was immensely helpful. I find it a real struggle to read now as my ability to focus is almost non-existent, so I've also downloaded the audiobook Emotional Intelligence by Gill Hasson.

I've been thinking about doing CBT to help with the way my mind works. I also think I probably need some therapy to help me look back at my childhood, but I'm too scared to do that. Looking back over my life I realise now that I was a massively anxious child and am probably very affected by experiences that I've never dealt with. I often wonder whether I'd be a whole different person if I'd be a child now with everything we know about anxiety and neurodiversity. But as a child in the 80s/90s there wasn't the slightest consideration of doing anything about some of the extremely anxious behaviours I exhibited.

"The drama of the gifted child", by Alice Miller

It all begins where it all begins: our childhood.

Good luck: you're very right to be doing this

@Jabtastic Perhaps this is true, I don't live in an expensive area, its pretty mixed and their are some areas with high levels of deprivation and people with quite severe mental health issues and addiction issues which I think take up most of the lower cost or free resources which is only fair. I think the cheapest option for me is about £55 a session with an unqualified therapist but I haven't looked online yet. I have heard of better help but also some quite bad things about them but perhaps their are other providers I can look at. Thank you for that suggestion.

@Bringbackspring I relate to what you said a great deal as well. I had even wondered if I have adhd. I'm not sure to be honest and I am completely unable to use stimulants anyway due to my migraine so I'm not sure if a diagnosis would be that helpful and I can focus, possibly hyperfocus but its getting to a state when I can settle and focus that is the issue for me. I do think there are aspects of our modern world which probably are making things worse for our brains and our emotional health. I wouldn't write of getting a diagnosis for yourself if you think it would help but I do understand the situation as at the moment even if you get a private diagnosis more GP's are shutting their doors to shared care for things due to being unable to cope with demand. So it does feel like all you can do is try and help yourself. Its difficult though, I consider myself an intelligent person but I think when it comes to our own issues we can lack insight and getting help can be really useful.

I'm so sorry you had a difficult childhood and did not get the support you needed, I hope you find a way to get that support now when you are ready.
I'd like to think that these days children do get more help but I'm not sure, my Nephew who is only 5 and has issues with self regulation and suspected ADHD. He is on the list for an assessment but its at least another 18 months before he will be seen I think and its already been pushed back. This delays any professional help he might be able to get and we are hearing all the time now how the government can no longer afford to keep supporting people, even children with additional needs. Its a very sad situation.

Thanks for posting, I will look at the book you mentioned as well!

@NameChangedOfc Thank you for the book recommendation, I will get a copy, it looks as though it would go right to the heart of the matter.

£55 would get you a session with a fully qualified, BACP registered therapist in parts of Britain. I would never recommend seeing someone unqualified!

@Jabtastic Perhaps I've overlooked someone local perhaps working independently? Its certainly not an expensive area in general. I'll have another look.

It won't be the same as bespoke therapy but you could have a bash at anxiety CBT on the NHS. You might even be able to self refer. They have different strands. It is quite box ticky but it would give you some structure and a starting point.

Also I just wanted to say - your post is insightful, self aware and incredibly articulate. I bet you would have loads to offer employers if/when you feel up to it.

@stickydate I did this at first. My first counsellor was £100 ph and she was so mean I stopped going. A decade later and I found one much more affordable and she’s fully qualified (and lovely!)

I wrongly assumed they were all pricey for that entire time. If I just found another one when I first tried therapy I may not have screwed up so much in the following few years ☹️

@Antonania I will look into that, I'm not in England so I'm not sure if we have the same self referral for online CBT. I see the option for English residents but not for where I am. I am sure their must be something available though.

I appreciate what you said about my post and what I may have to offer employers in future, that was very kind. I would like to work again but its my neurological health issues that are preventing me from doing so at the moment. I am hoping though that dealing with my mental health will lead to an improvement in my other conditions so that I will be able to do more in future.

@Gardeninggirl123 The cost is quite intimidating when you first look for sure! I think £70 - £80 an hour seems about average around here but hopefully their will be someone more affordable and nice! Sorry you didn't get the help you needed for so long, in an ideal world we would all have access to this kind of help either for free or affordable but alas we don't live in an ideal world!

The therapists will have self-funded their training so I suppose they need to make a living from it. Also I would rather pay a really good therapist £60 for ten sessions than a cheaper one £40 for sixty sessions if that makes sense.

Fair enough. I do wonder if all your thoughts of I can't use NHS, it's for people worse off than me might be coming from a place of low self esteem rather than an objective assessment.

You're probably ahead of me but doing a screening for anxiety and depression might not be a bad idea, or talking to your GP. These conditions don't always feel like you'd think they feel, if that makes sense. Sertraline can be very helpful at taking the edge off racing thoughts enough that you can start to make decisions and move forward, rather than being paralysed by them. Depression doesn't always feel sad or upset.

Appreciate I'm not answering the question you asked - apologies for that.

@Antonania I appreciate everything you've written. I am not sure exactly why I'm struggling with seeing my GP. I have had a lot of medical care over the years, I think it is perhaps that I am fed up of being in the system so to speak and partly because I've had some unpleasant experiences with my current GP when I went on HRT which they are very obviously against. I'm just not comfortable with opening up them and the current mood in the media at the moment is very much one that they, the state, doctors and so on are fed up with people's insignificant mental health issues and the related costs. So perhaps their is an element of low self esteem, in any case I'm not yet at the point where I feel able to talk to my GP.

Personally it's been a heady mix of cptsd and autism. Now add in perimenopause and it's not a lot of fun. I don't see it as an illness though.

Overcoming unwanted intrusive thoughts by Winston and Self is a really good book for ruminating and intrusive thoughts. Also read up about unhelpful thinking styles

Absolutely I completely understand that, I'm not suggesting they shouldn't be well paid and from what I understand they still have ongoing costs from their own continued supervision and therapy as well as their paying for space to see clients in. The issue is that especially in todays financial climate many people simply can't afford to pay the cost of therapy. 10 x £60 is £600 which is a lot of money to a lot of people, money that goes on food, rent and energy costs and isn't available for discretionary spending no matter how vital it is or how much it would pay off in the long run. I wasn't saying therapist should charge less by any means, I understand why the charge what they do.

@TheOliveFinch Thank you for the recommendation I will get the book you suggest and look up about unhelpful thinking styles.