Do cliquey people know they’re being cliquey?

[fourelementary]

that really…

When people leave other people out and say, arrange small group acitivities within a larger group setting… do you think they realise they’re being cliquey or do you think they just assume other people could ask/join/arrange their own thing?

Childs sports team, mums used to stand about and watch and chat. Now a few of them go for walks together both during team time but also in own time and post about it on FB. Group chat never mentions “hey were thinking of meeting for a walk at x or y- all welcome”…so it’s only those few.

I’ve seen it at other groups and yet never knowingly been in the clique- but maybe if I was, I wouldn’t genuinely notice and would assume I was acting normally…

Hope this question makes sense…

See I’m not sure I’d call that a clique or ‘cliquey people’. It’s just that some of them have gelled and decided to hang out together. If you were to say ‘mind if I join’ and they acted hostile or rude then I’d call that cliquey perhaps. But to me this is just how friendships develop and maybe you weren’t there when the initial conversation happened? You are there, you can tell the vibe is here I’m just speculating. But I find school mum groups have a way of transporting us back to some of those childhood pains about groups of friends, and it’s not necessary as you view it.

That doesn’t sound cliquey to me. That sounds like a group of people who met and got on and want to hang out together. They don’t have to invite every parent who goes to the activity for private walks.

I think people don't generally deliberately or callously exclude others, I think they make friendships within a wider group.

To anyone not in that friendship it can look "cliquey" but what's a clique other than a group of friends you aren't in and kind of wish you were?

It only seems cliquey from the outside. It’s natural affinity expressing itself.

marriages seem like cliques, to single people!

If it was all men would it be seen as 'cliquey'? Women are held to these high standards where they have to be nice to everyone and ask everyone to be their friend, but it's not really very fair on us. They formed a friendship group, they might know each other from somewhere else. You could create an event and invite everyone. There is nothing stopping you. The sooner women stop acting like they are in school, the easier it will be for all of us. Women are allowed to make friends and not be cast as the mean girls.

Yes, this. Some people just get along more with some people than others. Mn has this weird bee in its bonnet about ‘cliques’, as though all adult social engagement needs to be treated like a whole-class party for Reception-age children.

Some parents who know each other because their children are on the same sports team have gelled and made friendships that spilled outside of team practice times into their own time. The fact that you think they should be inviting everyone is really odd! Do you also think your colleagues need to invite the entire office of a few of them go for a drink at the weekend?

I can't vote with those options.

I don't know if it's just a Mumsnet thing or not, but so many people don't know the difference between a clique and a group of friends who bond better with each other.

What is the difference?

Sounds like they’re just friends. I’m not sure what the issue is - do you invite every person who could might think they could be included when you meet a friend?
I’m friends with a few mums from school - our children are friends so I know them better and we meet up on the weekends sometimes. We’re not hosting a whole class party, so we don’t invite every parent. Are we a clique, or are we just friends?

If it was all men would it be seen as 'cliquey'? Women are held to these high standards where they have to be nice to everyone and ask everyone to be their friend, but it's not really very fair on us.

No, if it was all men it'd just be a group of mates.

I agree, women are held to stupidly high standards and sadly it's by other women.

Dictionary
Definitions from Oxford Languages · Learn more

clique
/kliːk/

noun

a small close-knit group of people who do not readily allow others to join them.

That’s not a clique. It’s just a group of friends.

They don’t have to open the invite to everyone just because your children are all at football.

Just go up to a few of the other mums and ask them if they’d like to go for a walk/grab a coffee. That wouldn’t be a clique either.

well has anyone ever admitted to being in one? I would say this is something people have made up in their own heads to be perfectly honest, a lot of people just naturally gravitate and arrange things with people they know as life is busy enough for only so much

Seriously?

I have been in and out of various cliques.

When I was in the clique I knew it was a clique. I didn't really want other people to join the clique to be honest because I loved the gang as it was was.

Now I'm older I feel differently. I left the clique because someone I thought was really bitchy joined and over a period of time I realised that I didn't really trust many of the people in it after all. They bad mouthed a lot of people to each other and I didn't want to be like that any more.

I try to be more inclusive now and wish I had been in my youth. But some people always get on better than others so I don't generally mind if small sub groups do their own thing. It's not nice to rub other people's faces in it though.

I think a lot of the time it's unintentional. People bond to the point of actually forming proper friendship, where the small talk and polite conversation lapses into an easier flow of genuine "knowing" each other and all that goes with that.

Once that's established, I think it's easy to forget there's people around you that might feel like they want to "join in" . But for the formed friends, 1) they've kind of forgotten how it feels to be that person 2) they've got to go through the 'harder work ' small talk stage again and so it becomes easier to just stick with the formed friendships, probably subconsciously to a degree

Spot on Brandon. With established local friends you slot into better conversations as you know each other better. With less good friends / new people it can stay at small talk / being polite

Just say - I might join you on your walk today. Do you mind?

And the group will most likely welcome you.

I think the word clique is a label given from the outside.

There are family groups and gatherings - not seen as a clique.
Sporting clubs and gatherings. Church and hobby gatherings etc which also do not appear cliquish to the outsider.

But a group of women friends who gather casually and incidentally based on circunstance are labelled as a clique.

If you ask to join them, they will always say great. That is my experience.

If it is a small group of friends meeting for a prearranged outing, it is rude to ask to join and there might not be cinema tickets for you. Prearranged outings are fun. All people should engage in such. If you feel you are missing out, organise some.

I'd say that the difference between a friendship group and a clique is how friendly they are to outsiders. Not necessarily embracing others in, but standard polite manners to people they see in the same setting regularly.

I remember many years ago at a long-running toddler activity, saying "hello" to a pair of mums when I entered the room and they looked at me like I'd shat on their shoes. I wasn't expecting to go on holiday with them, just a hello back and avoiding the awkwardness of being ignored while in the same space week in week out. I didn't bother initiating acknowledging them again.

At the DCs' primary school there were clear friendship groups, but I wouldn't have called them cliques because they had friendly manners and acknowledged aquaintances beyond the friendship groups.

But if there’s someone around who ‘wants to join in’, then it’s their responsibility to make that known, and make an approach, surely? I’ve seen on Mn more than once the expectation that it’s the job of a group chatting in the playground at pick up to be on continual alert in case there’s someone standing alone, but I think that’s quite mad. Someone standing alone isn’t a cry for help. If you want to make friends, it’s up to you to signal that. If you can’t or won’t, that’s not on other people.

I never said it was !!!

I just gave my opinion on 'why' I think it happens and if you read my post properly, I am actually 'sticking up' for the 'cliques' . I'm saying I don't think it's intentional that they're leaving others out.

No, I know that — my point is that the expectation that any naturally-occurring friendship group should be actively looking to ‘include’ other people (which shows up a lot on here) is weird and entitled. I don’t think any group needs to justify not continually looking about for waifs and strays who might want to join in.

To me it’d depend on whether they’re ex mean girls from school. But in that case IMO you’d see other signs of meanery.

To me that just seems that it’s like minded people who have gelled over their children’s sports.

i hate this clique word just because you have better friendships and more connections with some people in a certain place eg, work, children’s activities, etc.

For me I tend to prefer one on one time with friends if I'm honest. It doesn't mean I want to exclude anyone but I don't enjoy big groups as much, I'd rather be on my own. It can also be difficult to fit into existing friendship groups when they are long lasting and you are the new one, it could be that one person likes you but someone else isn't as keen or more likely just doesn't know you as well or your just a bit different i.e. they all have the same kind of background, grew up together and you just don't mesh as well with the whole group. Its not that you are bad, you just don't fit in comfortably for some people.

I know that I've had issues with friendships in the past due to just having a different friendship style so where I prefer one on one close connection, talking and so on, someone else might prefer a bigger group and doing activities together and for most people they will have different styles depending on the context and for each individual friendship.

I think its a bit harsh to say they are being cliquey as if that is a bad thing, its normal and human to have exclusive relationships.