How to gain confidence in 40s if you've never had it

[Howlow0]

For those of you that have managed to become more confident in middle age, how have you managed it? I've always lacked confidence, stumble over words when talking to new people, don't know what to say in social situations. Feel on the edge of every social circle. I was a lot worse as a child. So it has got better to some extent but it still holds me back so much in life.

Im still quite nervy but you may not know it if you met me. One of the things that helped me believe it or not was just accepting the kind of person I am. Recognising that I do get nervous and stopping getting annoyed with myself. also preparing myself if I need to speak, practising. I am not perfect and will never be a performer. But this has eased things for me.

I'm not in my 40's but found mine in my late 20's. I think it was purely by working in different locations and being thrown into different social situations constantly. The more I was outside my comfort zone, the easier it got.

A friend was once surprised when I told her this. She said I always came across super confident. So it just shows you that it's a much more common feeling than you think, and you are not alone.

Why don't you try signing up to a class or activity? This is another thing that was tough but pushed me out of my comfort zone and helped me long term.

Thank you. I have tried to make peace with this just being who I am but it's hard as I'd like to change.

Thank you. I did start going to classes four years ago which I still attend. I do try to do these type of things to push me out my comfort zone but I find that other members who start after me are accepted into the group straight away and are invited to socialise outwith the group, whereas I find it hard to strike up conversations. So joining groups are one thing but having the confidence to talk to people while there is another. And so I still feel on the outside. I'm sure people probably think I'm rude or not worth speaking to.

I am getting much better, and the things that have helped me are:

+simply being in my 40s, I have just accepted who I am a bit more and I give far less of a shit what other people think

• getting into exercise, I feel better about how I look, but more importantly I am proud of my (very meagre) achievements. I always thought that stuff was for other people and not for me & was embarrassed to try a new class and be rubbish in front of strangers.

• a new role that took me completely out of my comfort zone. I do have interesting and insightful things to say and people like it when I share my knowledge

Also a fair amount of “fake it til you make it”

I’ve found all of these books genuinely helpful:

Overcoming Low Self-Esteem
(there’s also a workbook)

The Happiness Trap
(Acceptance and commitment approach)

Feel the Fear
(An oldie but very practical and effective)

Shame on them for not making an effort with you!

I always feel like an outsider with groups of women too. I find men much easier to gel with tbh.

My advice is learn to be confident alone and the rest will come. I can feel the sadness in your post lovely and if you need a chat, i'm here xx

I think you need to work on a few things. If you suffer from anxiety, then look at medication, therapy and other strategies for dealing with anxiety such as mindfulness and exercise.

If you can't think of conversations, join a debating club, a book group, a philosophy society, a film club where you are asked to give your opinion and talk in front of others.

If you can't think of anything to say, read widely on different subjects, watch documentaries, travel and take an interest.

If you have low self esteem, The Six Pillars of Self Esteem is good and there are plenty of books including workbooks which helps you build your self esteem.

Yoga helped me. I think during my 40s with maturity there was very much the growing realisation that:

-I'm ok, just as I am
-Actually, I know more stuff than most people about a lot of things- work and otherwise
-My voice is just as good as anyone else's and deserves to be heard
-I am often the most sensible and knowledgeable person in the room
-Your own apparent confidence gives others confidence in you and actually makes you more likeable- provided it's not arrogance
-I had begun to care far less about what other people thought of me.

Finding a good job where I am liked and appreciated just for being myself, really helped.

OP, have you read When Marnie Was There?

It's a lovely book and also a very nice animated film. I read it when I was in my early 40s and DD1 was 11 and I wondered if it was ok for her to read. I really wish I'd read it as a kid and was gutted that I hadn't as I absolutely loved Teddy Robinson when I was very small, by the same author.

It is about friendship and coming of age, but also about confidence and feeling that you don't fit in.

“She knew perfectly well that things like parties and best friends and going to tea with people were fine for everyone else, because everyone else was "inside"--inside some sort of invisible magic circle. But Anna herself was outside. And so these things had nothing to do with her. It was as simple as that.”

I'm the same. So definitely will be reading the replies you get.

I've just started exercising this year and hope to start a running group too. Hopefully this will help. And I've also started painting although typically I don't think any of it is good enough!

Thank you. I've listened to a few podcasts but there's so much self help resouces out there it's good to get some recommendations.

Pushing out of your comfort zone? Thanks to my children I have been dragged into volunteering for various things and I felt so nervous to begin with but the new experiences and new acquaintances I have made have given me a real confidence boost

Thank you. I do get periods of feeling down about it, like today. Usually when I think I've come across as nervous or overwhelmed infront of someone.

I definitely have low self esteem and anxiety. I've had therapy before, which was useful at the time but I gradually forgot about using the strategies. I will look at the six pillars thank you.
It's not that I don't think I'm knowledgeable in plenty of subjects, I can talk away happily to my husband and family. I just come up against a blank when I'm with others. Even people I've known for a while.

I think I'll need to look into doing more of these things. I just hoped it would get better itself with age.

Thank you. I'm in my 50s and still struggling so have downloaded a couple of these books.

Becoming highly respected in my career, which had a knock-on effect on all aspects of my life.

It could be the anxiety holding you back but perhaps a few stock questions on hand would help. Remember that the other person is also responsible for half the conversation, it's not all on you.

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Something that helped me was realising I didn’t look as nervous as I felt. I might be squirming on the inside but looked and sounded confident - so a bit of fake it, but knowing that no one knew I was faking it helped.

I also did an exercise where I asked a few people that know (and like) me the three words they would use to describe me. That was eye opening because they used words that I wouldn’t have. I turned the words into a cloud picture and put it on my notice board in my home office to remind me.

Also honestly just getting older and realising people are often too caught up in their own stuff to worry about me and what I was doing.