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Original poster

I simply can't get past this.....anybody help please?

36 replies

dodgyplant · 23/03/2025 12:09

I will try to keep it brief. I spent many years caring for my very elderly parents who lived 3 hours away. My Dad left a mirror will and refused to face reality. My mother and my male sibling and had a conversation and she willed him the house and contents. Care Home fees ate into any capital . I could not contest this decision.

Try as I might....therapy, endless conversation, the GP and so on, 4 years down the line, I am still wrestling with this. The only thing left is medication. I'm not grabbing or grabbing. I still can't revisit the area,or get my head away from feeling sad. Thanks

OP posts:
NotHavingAFunTime · 23/03/2025 15:36

Wow! That is a low blow, it sounds as if your brother influenced DM though, why would he do this? Are you still in contact?
I’m not sure I could get over that either OP, but it would be my sibling I’d be angry at, not aged parents who were possibly bamboozled and led to believe they were doing things for the best.
Hateful of your greedy brother to do this, I’m so sorry Flowers

Original poster
dodgyplant · 23/03/2025 16:40

Thanks, no we are estranged. More loss. I'm not sure Mum was bamboozled but she was in shock and grief.

OP posts:
LilyLillyO · 23/03/2025 17:19

Do you know why she did this? Did you discuss it with her or find out later?

Is your mother still alive? It isn't clear from your post whether it was just your Dad who died?

I think there are two possibilities - one that your brother manipulated her or two that she did it for a reason that she thought was a good reason but may not look like it to you and was misguided but she thought she was doing the right thing. Reasons that people sometimes do this are because one child is wealthier and successful and the other one is in financial trouble and they think the one will be OK and can look after themselves or where one has a genetic condition that means they will need to pay for care when they are older and one doesn't that type of thing.

the only thing I could suggest in terms of trying to get past it is to broach your estrangement and speak to your brother about it (kind of depends why you are estranged and whether you think he'd tell you the truth).

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Care homes Dementia & alzheimer's
EmeraldRoulette · 23/03/2025 17:28

I'm so sorry to hear this

I actually know someone who was caring for her mother, until her mother told her that she would be leaving everything to her male sibling. It was lucky that the mum actually said it because she was then able to walk away and stop doing care. It sounds like you didn't get that opportunity.

The family is broken now, and the mother is offering up some shit excuse about how her daughter can obviously look after herself so the son needs the money.

I wish I could say something to make you feel better. But all I can say is I'm really sorry.

I wouldn't speak to your brother.

LilyLillyO · 23/03/2025 17:36

It was lucky that the mum actually said it because she was then able to walk away and stop doing care.

That's really really sad. I've been a carer and never did it because I was expecting money or inheritance. I did it because I loved them. That's really awful to just walk away from helping a parent because of money. Poor character. "I'll care for you but only if you are going to leave me all your money". Maybe the mother sensed what kind of person she was.

PrettyDetails · 23/03/2025 17:42

No, @LilyLillyO I don't think it's that.

I think it is more that you are looking after someone, while a sibling doesn't give a toss-or, at any rate isn't as involved as you are.
To then be told that they are the favoured one, that you can do all this stuff and it counts for nothing, next to them, is very hurtful and insulting and a pretty nasty thing to do.
It's not asking to be "paid" for the care you give it's being told that your care isn't worth anything.

I think most people would care for their parents if there was only 20p to be divided between siblings, so it's not that. It's the directed hurt and insult.

myplace · 23/03/2025 17:45

LilyLillyO · 23/03/2025 17:36

It was lucky that the mum actually said it because she was then able to walk away and stop doing care.

That's really really sad. I've been a carer and never did it because I was expecting money or inheritance. I did it because I loved them. That's really awful to just walk away from helping a parent because of money. Poor character. "I'll care for you but only if you are going to leave me all your money". Maybe the mother sensed what kind of person she was.

That’s not it at all! No one does it for the money, it couldn’t be enough frankly. We do it out of concern for our elderly parents.

When they demonstrate they have no concern for us and are happy to use us for care while not caring in return, well it’s healthier to stop caring.

myplace · 23/03/2025 17:49

dodgyplant · 23/03/2025 16:40

Thanks, no we are estranged. More loss. I'm not sure Mum was bamboozled but she was in shock and grief.

Have you had a conversation with her and checked she still wants to leave everything to your brother, despite knowing how much that hurts your feelings?

She may have been in shock and influenced by your brother in that moment.

We are having some problems at the moment. MiL keeps obsessing about her will and rewriting it, getting a solicitor in, and making life really complicated. She doesn’t really understand the implications of what she’s doing. Some of her wills are going to really hurt her daughter’s feelings, due to the phrasing more than anything else.

Downthemarshes · 23/03/2025 17:52

myplace · 23/03/2025 17:49

Have you had a conversation with her and checked she still wants to leave everything to your brother, despite knowing how much that hurts your feelings?

She may have been in shock and influenced by your brother in that moment.

We are having some problems at the moment. MiL keeps obsessing about her will and rewriting it, getting a solicitor in, and making life really complicated. She doesn’t really understand the implications of what she’s doing. Some of her wills are going to really hurt her daughter’s feelings, due to the phrasing more than anything else.

Show quote history

Her mother has died - 3 years ago and left everything to he brother. OP sorry for this. It is truly shit thing to happen.

Original poster
dodgyplant · 23/03/2025 18:28

It's the directed hurt and insult

The conversation occured between her and sibling about 6 months after death of Dad. I think she quite enjoyed the attention of it all. Terribly sad . ( She died years ago)

OP posts:
Original poster
dodgyplant · 23/03/2025 18:32

LilyLillyO · 23/03/2025 17:19

Do you know why she did this? Did you discuss it with her or find out later?

Is your mother still alive? It isn't clear from your post whether it was just your Dad who died?

I think there are two possibilities - one that your brother manipulated her or two that she did it for a reason that she thought was a good reason but may not look like it to you and was misguided but she thought she was doing the right thing. Reasons that people sometimes do this are because one child is wealthier and successful and the other one is in financial trouble and they think the one will be OK and can look after themselves or where one has a genetic condition that means they will need to pay for care when they are older and one doesn't that type of thing.

the only thing I could suggest in terms of trying to get past it is to broach your estrangement and speak to your brother about it (kind of depends why you are estranged and whether you think he'd tell you the truth).

There is no genetic condition. There is an imbalance, All I have ( and it's modest) was gained through work and self sacrifice.

I can assure you, I never walked away. Unlike the other party in this.

OP posts:
myplace · 23/03/2025 18:56

I’m so sorry, @dodgyplant I misunderstood who you were estranged from.

Would it help you move on, if we all said it was outrageous, your brother is an arse and your mum foolish? And that it was really unfair and a horrible way for the family to end.

What would help?

DrummingMousWife · 23/03/2025 19:02

LilyLillyO · 23/03/2025 17:36

It was lucky that the mum actually said it because she was then able to walk away and stop doing care.

That's really really sad. I've been a carer and never did it because I was expecting money or inheritance. I did it because I loved them. That's really awful to just walk away from helping a parent because of money. Poor character. "I'll care for you but only if you are going to leave me all your money". Maybe the mother sensed what kind of person she was.

I love my parents deeply but if they basically told me they didn’t give a shit about me and favoured my sister - yes, I would absolutely step back and let her start wiping bottoms!
no-one needs to be a doormat.

Original poster
dodgyplant · 23/03/2025 19:26

myplace · 23/03/2025 18:56

I’m so sorry, @dodgyplant I misunderstood who you were estranged from.

Would it help you move on, if we all said it was outrageous, your brother is an arse and your mum foolish? And that it was really unfair and a horrible way for the family to end.

What would help?

Yes. Its hard because in the intervening period we also have COL crisis and ones thing and another. I can't offer help to family members.

OP posts:
myplace · 23/03/2025 20:16

I think being sad is an entirely appropriate response, particularly when triggered by a new circumstance like your DC feeling the pinch now.

Processing this kind of grief doesn’t mean you no longer feel it. More like, you no longer need to ‘punch a wall’, or only feel rage/grief once a month instead of once an hour.

💐

EmeraldRoulette · 23/03/2025 20:22

LilyLillyO · 23/03/2025 17:36

It was lucky that the mum actually said it because she was then able to walk away and stop doing care.

That's really really sad. I've been a carer and never did it because I was expecting money or inheritance. I did it because I loved them. That's really awful to just walk away from helping a parent because of money. Poor character. "I'll care for you but only if you are going to leave me all your money". Maybe the mother sensed what kind of person she was.

Not at all

this lady moved counties to get away from her mum

she's very successful and her mum is angry at her for succeeding

Foolishly when her father died, she let her mum know where she'd moved to. Mum then appeared with useless brother in tow and kept saying that she needed looking after and had a heart problem.

She is only in her 60s and has a very minor heart problem. So the care that she was asking for was actually just her getting her daughter to do her errands and clean her house etc.

One day, she casually mentioned that she was not going to leave anything to her daughter. So her daughter said "okay - you and my brother can just get on with it then".

It wasn't a case of abandoning somebody who was actually ill. It was more like a realisation. Though to be honest, I have absolutely hated that lady's parents from the word go. We ended up sort of becoming friends because she had major surgery in her early 20s and her parents wouldn't help.

So she went and stayed with my parents instead! Sorry it's a very long story.

I was just trying to let OP know that it happened to other people too. I know there's no explanation for it, though.

Original poster
dodgyplant · 24/03/2025 07:20

myplace · 23/03/2025 20:16

I think being sad is an entirely appropriate response, particularly when triggered by a new circumstance like your DC feeling the pinch now.

Processing this kind of grief doesn’t mean you no longer feel it. More like, you no longer need to ‘punch a wall’, or only feel rage/grief once a month instead of once an hour.

💐

Thank You so much. It's so isolating processing this deep hurt.

OP posts:
myplace · 24/03/2025 08:21

dodgyplant · 24/03/2025 07:20

Thank You so much. It's so isolating processing this deep hurt.

Show quote history

There are so many elements to it, it’s complicated. That your dad didn’t protect you, that your mum wasn’t ever the mum you deserved and needed, that your family hasn’t got your back, that you gave time and energy you’ll never get back, that your brother felt able to deprive you and yours…
But none of that is your fault.

We are going through a will situation at the moment- no one is behaving badly, but I think MiL is so worried about one child that she hasn’t realised how the others will feel about what she’s doing. She is making decisions based on assumptions about the rest of her family, without talking to them to find out the truth.
So wills are tricky even when everyone is doing their best.

Original poster
dodgyplant · 24/03/2025 08:33

Thank God, somebody finally gets it. Thank You.

OP posts:
WinterFoxes · 24/03/2025 08:37

LilyLillyO · 23/03/2025 17:36

It was lucky that the mum actually said it because she was then able to walk away and stop doing care.

That's really really sad. I've been a carer and never did it because I was expecting money or inheritance. I did it because I loved them. That's really awful to just walk away from helping a parent because of money. Poor character. "I'll care for you but only if you are going to leave me all your money". Maybe the mother sensed what kind of person she was.

I think you are completely misjudging her reason. The parent is saying: you are worthless to me except as an unpaid skivvy. Your brother doesn't need to make any effort for my love. He has it already.'

If you can't see this, then you are missing a key level of human interaction and family dynamics.

2dogsandabudgie · 24/03/2025 08:46

Can I ask why you had to pay the care home fees? Who was in the care home your mother or father?

Sorry I misread your post. So the savings were used for care home fees.

I would be really upset by this decision too. It sounds to me that your brother influenced your mum whilst like you say she was under mental stress. I'm not surprised you're no contact with him.

Fictionreader100 · 24/03/2025 08:51

Hi , sounds like it's been a few years since you've lost your parents ? Sorry for your loss . I agree it must have been a great shock that your mother went on to leave everything to your sibling . It sounds like they manipulated them , which of course is devastating and very wrong of them.
However , and said gently , however wrong that was , don't let their action at the time carry on affecting you on how you are in your daily life now as in a way that is what has been life changing for you . The resentment you carry is not healthy for you .
Had your mum needed a care home most of that inheritance would have been taken up in costs , inheritance is never a guarantee , people even leave it to charity inspite of having family members .
I can understand the estrangement from your sibling , and rightly so , but to allow that to build in resentment that has an impact on your daily life ( as it sounds like it does ) is not healthy for you physically and mentally .
Don't give them the satisfaction of that .

Calliopespa · 24/03/2025 08:55

LilyLillyO · 23/03/2025 17:36

It was lucky that the mum actually said it because she was then able to walk away and stop doing care.

That's really really sad. I've been a carer and never did it because I was expecting money or inheritance. I did it because I loved them. That's really awful to just walk away from helping a parent because of money. Poor character. "I'll care for you but only if you are going to leave me all your money". Maybe the mother sensed what kind of person she was.

I agree. I thought the opposite, it was unlucky, because it triggered self-interested behaviour your friend can never go back and rectify, even if she comes to embrace different ideals.

Original poster
dodgyplant · 24/03/2025 09:03

@Fictionreader100 wise words. Julia Samuels who writes about grief speaks of oscillating. I think it's a great word. Of course any inheritance is not guaranteed.

Sorry if I'm not expressing myself clearly. Mum needed a care home, most of the capital was swallowed up in fees. The property was exempt from this so went to my siblng.
One of these situations, nothing can prepare you for I'm afraid.

OP posts:
NameChangedOfc · 24/03/2025 09:16

EmeraldRoulette · 23/03/2025 20:22

Not at all

this lady moved counties to get away from her mum

she's very successful and her mum is angry at her for succeeding

Foolishly when her father died, she let her mum know where she'd moved to. Mum then appeared with useless brother in tow and kept saying that she needed looking after and had a heart problem.

She is only in her 60s and has a very minor heart problem. So the care that she was asking for was actually just her getting her daughter to do her errands and clean her house etc.

One day, she casually mentioned that she was not going to leave anything to her daughter. So her daughter said "okay - you and my brother can just get on with it then".

It wasn't a case of abandoning somebody who was actually ill. It was more like a realisation. Though to be honest, I have absolutely hated that lady's parents from the word go. We ended up sort of becoming friends because she had major surgery in her early 20s and her parents wouldn't help.

So she went and stayed with my parents instead! Sorry it's a very long story.

I was just trying to let OP know that it happened to other people too. I know there's no explanation for it, though.

Show quote history

An envious mother is one of the most dangerous and revolting creatures...