I simply can't get past this.....anybody help please?

[dodgyplant]

I will try to keep it brief. I spent many years caring for my very elderly parents who lived 3 hours away. My Dad left a mirror will and refused to face reality. My mother and my male sibling and had a conversation and she willed him the house and contents. Care Home fees ate into any capital . I could not contest this decision.

Try as I might....therapy, endless conversation, the GP and so on, 4 years down the line, I am still wrestling with this. The only thing left is medication. I'm not grabbing or grabbing. I still can't revisit the area,or get my head away from feeling sad. Thanks

Often it's easier to keep the blinders on...

Sending you a hand hold, OP. I'm in the same boat, playing out in real time. I've been dealing with the repercussions of what my DF has done for almost 2 years and I can tell you it's hard. But you know that already. DM still alive and won't change her will even though she's at high risk of decisions being made that put her best interests behind doing what's best to realise the gifted asset in the will.

Situation very similar. Sibling - in my case, an entitled sister - manipulated parents into leaving their house solely to her. She orchestrated a massive falling out with me so she doesn't have to face up to the fact she's been a greedy, entitled cunt. I've been the more successful child, she's a financial car crash and narrowly avoided being repossessed after having almost £200k in equity that was frittered away. She walked away with nothing and now rents. New narrative is that "she needs to buy the house she's in."

I think people who haven't experienced inequality from parents particularly after death, don't understand the feelings it gives rise to. It's like an affair, actually. The betrayal is similar. Like Emma Thompson's character says in Love, Actually "you've made the life I live foolish too", You've been bowling along thinking things are one way, when actually they've been completely different. Hurt like that is very difficult to get over.

What makes me most sad is that it has tainted all my memories of my parents. I was due to receive my dad's watch, which had been his dad's. I have wanted this watch as a keepsake for so long, and now I just don't care for it anymore. I don't want anything. Is this childish? Perhaps. But it's how I feel. I just do not want anything at all. The hurt is too great . When I saw my dad's signature on his will, signed feebly just 2 weeks before he died, so pretty much the last thing he did I just wanted to cry. It was like being punched in the stomach.

But the thing is, OP, it's done. And you're wasting valuable time in your own life by not being able to get over it. Don't let them have any more of your time. Hold your head high, know that you are not capable of this sort of behaviour yourself. Forgive yourself for some of the vitriolic feelings you have and be kind to yourself. You did nothing wrong. We can't help the families we're born into.

My father (divorced from my mother) disinherited me.

He made me the executrix of his Will, and my role was to execute his Will to my (frankly, toxic) sister.

It was 15 years ago, and it still smarts that in his final days, his first thought was to penalise me. And because it only became clear after he died, there was no way to solve it, it's a permanent rejection.

It took a long time to realise that I didn't deserve that treatment, it was about him, not me. But I still struggle with it.

Were you already ‘set up’ with your own home and life? Parents often think one child is already sorted and doesn’t need the help as much as another.

I am always the one told ‘Oh but you always stand on your own two feet and manage!’ Yea because I have never had a choice!

I think I would work on the acceptance. Tell myself it’s done now and nothing can change it.

It hurts, OP. My parents always treated me differently from childhood. My brothers were always “ better” than me.
We were just about no contact when they both died within months of each other. Still had my phone number to notify me, although they didn’t of second death.
Relative later obtained a copy of last parent to die’s Will and it was written as if I’d never existed. Full of “ my sons”.
My children, their only grandchildren, weren’t mentioned which upset me.
I didn’t want any money, I was probably better off than all of them due to hard work. I accept they’d never liked me so I didn’t like them but somehow it still hurt for a while.
What hurt more was years before when we were still in contact my godmother died, we’d always got on well even though I’d not seen her for years ( I lived abroad) Every relative was left something except me and her Will had been rewritten a few months before her death making my brother her Executor. Not any of the great nephews who lived closer and she saw more, but someone who lived 200 miles away. And my parent got her house……

You did a good thing op , you're a good person. What was done to you was an awful thing and you didn't deserve it.

@Calliopespa not sure if you read my second post

but why would my friend go back for more of that treatment?

Oh OP 😪

You have endured such betrayal from those who should never have dreamed of such a thing. No wonder it hurts so much. You and others on this thread deserved a million times better💐

It’s awful and terribly hurtful and anyone would feel as you do op. I suppose the thing to think about now is the old cliche- we only have this one life - as far as we know- so it would be a tragedy for this huge upset to impact your life any further.

i think you’ll have to come to terms with it somehow. For example if there had been no inheritance you’d be in the same financial position you’re in now.
you’ll have to work through it. Rise above your sibling who clearly lacks scruples. You’re the better person. Deep breaths and keep going. Bravely onwards

Someone once explained to me like this. The thing is there is no measurement for love. There is no measurement for attention. So there is often that part of a person who truely hopes that their parents value them. Then in a f——ed up will there is suddenly a quantified value that can’t be ignored, and there is no one that you can talk to about it.

Even here the brother and the mother acted in a toxic way and posters are judging the op for not doing more care for her parents.

Some very helpful insights, Thank You so much. Some people " get it" and that's a great help.

Two further things, I berate myself for being " so stupid" and naive. Naive in my mid 60's
I have done every damn thing in my power to not parent like my parents.