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Original poster

Husband stops me sleeping!

43 replies

Par1sappartment · 23/03/2025 03:24

Just needing a rant folks. Not sure what to do. Have had a terrible few years since before COVID in fact. Was carer to my parents who both had Alzheimer’s at the same time. Some aggression was part of their symptoms and that was very hard for me as I was retired. It also meant that I lost a lot of sleep and was very sleep deprived. They both passed away within a few months of each other during COVID. Not long after that my other half was diagnosed with a life threatening serious illness and I became carer for him and a support for him. This is still ongoing. Even though to outsiders they think he has fully recovered and is fine, he is not. He is different due to bodily changes and symptoms of that. He doesn’t sleep well and is up in the middle of the night, every night doing goodness knows what, watching tv, making a cup of tea etc. He wakes me up when he rises to do this. It takes ages for me to get back to sleep if ever, then to cap it all he will say, “Are you awake?” when he comes back to bed so wakens me again! I am so sleep deprived that it’s affecting my health and mental state. I know sleep is important for a healthy mind and body.
He won’t entertain us having separate beds or bedrooms so that I can have a better chance at sleep and gets annoyed if I talk about him waking me as he says he can’t help it. I’m at the end of my tether. Have tried earplugs but he bounds into bed and that wakens me.
What to do other than separate?

OP posts:
marsaline · 23/03/2025 03:30

just Move into a separate room. Whether he will entertain it is irrelevant really since sleep is so vital.

DH sleeps in the spare room during the week now since he sleeps so badly and I wake him up if I move about (which I do more frequently at the moment because I have a bad back). He sleeps in our room Friday and Saturday when he doesn’t have work in the morning.
I was very reluctant initially but it does help us both to get enough sleep. Although the reason I’m up now is that he got up at 2.30 and made a right racket moving to the spare room so now I’m wide awake.

PoopingAllTheWay · 23/03/2025 03:34

Separate rooms

Original poster
Par1sappartment · 23/03/2025 03:35

Thankyou@marsaline. I’ll defo try and persuade him to try separate rooms Mon - Frid as that would really help me and then share our bedroom for weekends as a compromise. Hopefully he will agree to that without too much fuss. 🤔

OP posts:

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Miaowzabella · 23/03/2025 03:36

Assuming that you have a spare room, you don't need his permission to move into it.

doodahdayy · 23/03/2025 03:37

Wow he sounds beyond selfish. It’s not up to him. I’d move into the spare room (if you have one) tomorrow.

Mamofboys5972 · 23/03/2025 03:39

I wish we had the spare room for sleeping separately! My Mrs snores soo bad sometimes I feel like I'm going insane from sleep deprivation ! Do it. Nothing is more important than sleep at this point

ihatethewordhubby · 23/03/2025 03:41

My brain is exploding to think that you have to ask his permission to sleep in a different room so you can sleep well. It is so selfish that he wants you to lie awake next to him, rendering you exhausted in the day time. I can only assume that his " need " to have you next to him in the bed trumps any need of his. Please please just tell him that you will be sleeping in another room and dont seek his permission. Good luck \

Garliccheeseandabagel · 23/03/2025 03:44

He won’t entertain us having separate beds or bedrooms so that I can have a better chance at sleep and gets annoyed if I talk about him waking me as he says he can’t help it.

Well he's selfish then isn't he. He could slide quietly back into bed without speaking, for one thing. He could limit his night-time activities to those that don't make a noise, for another.

Also, what makes both of you think that what's best for your health and wellbeing is his decision? It isn't.

If you want separate beds, pick a room, buy a bed, sleep in it, maybe lock/bolt the door so he can't come in.

You are not his possession, you don't exist purely for his comfort. If he's lonely in the night when trying to sleep he can get a teddy bear to cuddle, buy a weighted blanket or maybe take on a dog, that would no doubt be more than happy to curl up on the duvet near him.

Any deliberate attempts to sabotage your health and wellbeing is nasty and I'd divorce him over that, if he goes down that route.

Garliccheeseandabagel · 23/03/2025 03:50

You have autonomy over your own life and body, including where you put it to get some sleep! You don't need his permission or agreement.

FeministUnderTheCatriarchy · 23/03/2025 03:58

You don't need to persuade him. You don't need to ask his permission.

Are you scared of him OP?

You have given up your life to care for 3 people. You will need care yourself if this carries on.

Sleep deprivation is a torture technique. I don't know whether he is a malicious person (he sounds it) but no good partner would want their wife to be so exhausted.

It sounds very lonely having everyone think he is recovered when you are dealing with the affects alone

FortyElephants · 23/03/2025 04:00

He doesn't sound like a caring or supportive husband. He sounds extremely selfish. Is this really the life you want for your remaining years?

MsNevermore · 23/03/2025 04:11

It’s not up to him!!

Chronic sleep deprivation causes havoc with your physical and mental health. It’s not good for anyone.
My DH has sleep apnoea and is the most horrific snorer. Most nights, I’ll settle down to sleep and he will stay awake reading or whatever until he’s sure I’m asleep, then settle himself in. But sometimes, he’s exhausted from work and is out like a light….which means the chances of me falling asleep while he snores are slim. Neither of us like it, but those nights I’ll go into the spare room 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️
Its not ideal, but neither is a shitty nights sleep!

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 23/03/2025 04:19

Move into another room and get a lock if he may come in … remind him you need sleep to be able to properly help him so he needs to respect you too!!

He’s a selfish arse ….

Remember do not set yourself on fire keeping others warm !!!

LBFseBrom · 23/03/2025 04:24

You must have your own room, op, however your husband feels about it. It's your right and you need to assert yourself. Tell him straight that if he wants to keep you, you have to have a decent night's sleep.

He can't help illness but there is no excuse for him being inconsiderate on top of it.

Threaten to leave otherwise.

Normallynumb · 23/03/2025 04:26

How bloody selfish is he?!! It doesn’t matter what he wants or doesn’t want because he appears not to care about you, I’m sorry, but after all you’ve been through you need and deserve a good nights sleep
if you have a spare room, get in the spare bed right now and sleep
if you don’t then look for the most comfortable sofa bed for HIM to sleep on

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/03/2025 04:44

If he doesn’t want separate rooms, I would put in some ground rules. No tossing and turning, no getting out of bed, no turning on the light, no looking at his phone or tablet. He just needs to act as though he’s asleep otherwise you’re off. He’s got one more chance to get this right. In reality this won’t be possible. My sleep is all over the place and I’m often up half the night. Dh and I sleep separately. It’s the only way. He used to disturb me coming to bed and I would disturb him with all the stuff I do. He’s doing big zeds and I’ve been on mumsnet for quite a while already today.

RunLikeTheWild · 23/03/2025 04:52

It's unimaginablely.selfish that he keeps waking you and doesn't care about your lack of sleep.

You don't have to ask your DH, but if you want to have a conversation with him about it appeal to his selfishness.

Tell him you'll have to sleep during the day and he'll have to get a paid carer to attend to him if he can't look after himself.

What does he think is going to happen if you get ill and burnt out or worse from sleep deprivation?

Why not separate?

Never2many · 23/03/2025 05:02

You don’t ask him you tell him that as of tonight you will be sleeping in the spare room.

If he tries to make something of it then I would tell him that you will be sleeping in separate rooms regardless, because you’ll be divorcing him.

Daschund1 · 23/03/2025 05:05

I'd be saying it's either a separate room or a separate house. Who died and made him king?

endofthelinefinally · 23/03/2025 05:06

Never2many · 23/03/2025 05:02

You don’t ask him you tell him that as of tonight you will be sleeping in the spare room.

If he tries to make something of it then I would tell him that you will be sleeping in separate rooms regardless, because you’ll be divorcing him.

This. My dh suffers from insomnia and he is extremely careful not to wake me. I frequently go downstairs in the morning and find him asleep on the sofa.it is just basic consideration.

FortyElephants · 23/03/2025 05:34

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/03/2025 04:44

If he doesn’t want separate rooms, I would put in some ground rules. No tossing and turning, no getting out of bed, no turning on the light, no looking at his phone or tablet. He just needs to act as though he’s asleep otherwise you’re off. He’s got one more chance to get this right. In reality this won’t be possible. My sleep is all over the place and I’m often up half the night. Dh and I sleep separately. It’s the only way. He used to disturb me coming to bed and I would disturb him with all the stuff I do. He’s doing big zeds and I’ve been on mumsnet for quite a while already today.

Do you think this man gives a shit about her ground rules?

NewYearNewDietAgain · 23/03/2025 05:48

I wouldn’t be trying to persuade him about anything. Just use the spare room. No discussion.

NC10125 · 23/03/2025 05:57

I wouldn't be trying to persuade him about seperate rooms.

Tonight, just say "I'm really tired tonight so I'm going to have a night in the spare room". Then he says whatever he wants to say. And then you say "sorry its upsetting you but I need to sleep"

pilates · 23/03/2025 05:57

Separate bedrooms

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 23/03/2025 06:01

Daschund1 · 23/03/2025 05:05

I'd be saying it's either a separate room or a separate house. Who died and made him king?

Right! I don't understand why you are letting him dictate, OP. If you don't look after yourself who'll look after him?