Husband stops me sleeping!

[Par1sappartment]

Just needing a rant folks. Not sure what to do. Have had a terrible few years since before COVID in fact. Was carer to my parents who both had Alzheimer’s at the same time. Some aggression was part of their symptoms and that was very hard for me as I was retired. It also meant that I lost a lot of sleep and was very sleep deprived. They both passed away within a few months of each other during COVID. Not long after that my other half was diagnosed with a life threatening serious illness and I became carer for him and a support for him. This is still ongoing. Even though to outsiders they think he has fully recovered and is fine, he is not. He is different due to bodily changes and symptoms of that. He doesn’t sleep well and is up in the middle of the night, every night doing goodness knows what, watching tv, making a cup of tea etc. He wakes me up when he rises to do this. It takes ages for me to get back to sleep if ever, then to cap it all he will say, “Are you awake?” when he comes back to bed so wakens me again! I am so sleep deprived that it’s affecting my health and mental state. I know sleep is important for a healthy mind and body.
He won’t entertain us having separate beds or bedrooms so that I can have a better chance at sleep and gets annoyed if I talk about him waking me as he says he can’t help it. I’m at the end of my tether. Have tried earplugs but he bounds into bed and that wakens me.
What to do other than separate?

If you do have separate rooms you will need a lock on the door as he will still burst in. Feel for you there’s nothing worse than having no sleep

He doesn’t have to entertain having separate beds, just do it obviously. Why on earth would you need permission?

I certainly wouldn't give a shit if he was unhappy with separate bedrooms! He's selfish and he's dragging you down.
Either separate bedrooms, or separate houses. He can choose!

What tasks are you still needing to do for him?
He sounds like a horrible narcissist bully. As he appears independently mobile and have the functional processing skills to make a hot drink.
Is he of the belief that 'he's up = you need to be up'?

Just move to other room -once the other person has annoyed or angered you due to their selfishness it’s hard to get back to sleep. I doubt you are having rampant sex each night and he is worried he’ll miss out on- it sounds like pure selfishness on his part.

OP you need to tell him separate rooms are happening, not asking his permission. If he disagrees then explain you'd rather stay together with separate rooms so that you can sleep, but if he's going to try and forbid that then your only choice left will be to leave him. Explain he is affecting your mental and physical health. Seriously, if he won't agree then you have to leave.

Just move into a spare room, don’t ask him just tell him.
Sleep deprivation is banned as a means of torture under the human rights convention.
Does he literally want to kill you?

I was thinking the exact same.
Do you have children @Par1sappartmentwho will support you ?
He sounds like an extremely selfish, self centred, controlling man.
You only have one life………..

You don’t need to persuade him, just do it. Get a bolt on the inside of the spare room door and a source of white noise and some ear plugs so any noise he makes can’t wake you. Then lock yourself in there Monday to Friday nights. If he objects just say that lack of sleep is making you ill and there’s no alternative.

What do you mean "won't entertain separate rooms"!?

Stop being such a doormat. I sleep separately from DH whenever I like. Like hell is anyone impacting my ability to get a decent night's sleep.

It’s really not his choice. Denying a spouse sleep is a form of abuse.

He won’t entertain us having separate beds or bedrooms so that I can have a better chance at sleep and gets annoyed if I talk about him waking me as he says he can’t help it.

This makes him an utter cunt by the way.

I wouldn’t wait for his approval over the separate room. If you have one just go sleep in there until he learns some decency of not waking you up.

Was he an inconsiderate arse before his illness?

I agree, separate rooms at least most of the week. It doesn't really matter what he says about it!

She's letting him dictate because she's been ground down by decades of emotional abuse by him and through her caring role has forgotten that she also matters and doesn't know how to assert her needs without him punishing her.

Why are you asking him? There is absolutely no chance I’d put up with this, it’s either separate rooms or separate lives! Tell him you’re not putting up with it anymore, you’re entitled to a good nights sleep 🤷‍♀️

This is what we do. I have to get up early for work and sleep much better alone. I really look forward to my weeknights sleeping alone and also look forward to weekends sleeping with DH.

Who cares if he agrees?? I think with all this taking care of others you have forgotten that you matter too. He’s being an incredibly selfish prick and not caring one bit about your needs where as you are prioritising his.

No. You don't "persuade" him. You tell him, then just do it.