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This is bonkers and because of my overthinking but...

47 replies

Makebettermen · 20/03/2025 11:46

DP and I met when we were part of a social circle that very much enjoyed a drink. We're still friends with those people, but it's definitely different to be out with them and not drinking/drinking moderately. Sometimes I miss it or miss the friendships, but mostly I'm glad not to feel so ropey in the morning.

We both cut back on the drinking because DP had no stop button. He could go weeks without a drink, but he couldn't go for "one" and popping out for a drink started impacting on things that were important to him next day.

I had less of a problem, but also knew I was drinking too much and was happy to cut back, feel better, save money and support him.

Neither of us has drunk much at all in months. We were away with friends last weekend and only drank one evening, which was fine, we had a great hangover free weekend. He does seem to have developed an ability to have just a couple.

He is away for a couple of days on business in a beautiful city where the liquid lunch is still a thing. He's sent me a lovely photo of a nice cafe and his beer. I don't think he'll drink to excess and I'm glad he's making the most of things, but I'm a bit offended that he doesn't want to relax with a drink with me, if he's going to have one...

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 20/03/2025 11:48

You are over thinking
he’s away enjoying a glass of beer. Presumably not something he does every day?
it’s not a slight on you

Makebettermen · 20/03/2025 11:50

rubyslippers · 20/03/2025 11:48

You are over thinking
he’s away enjoying a glass of beer. Presumably not something he does every day?
it’s not a slight on you

I know that, but I'd enjoy a chat over a beer and he won't want to do it this weekend if he's done it now. I.e. he'll think he's had his quota.

OP posts:
Togglebullets · 20/03/2025 11:58

Surely it's a sign that he can be comfortable and himself with you that he doesn't need a beer? He is obviously choosing to drink less and with you he feels able to choose what feels right and comfortable.

He's on a work trip where liquid lunches are the norm. It's very difficult to say no in that environment.

I really really don't see why you're offended?

IceCreamWoes · 20/03/2025 12:00

I don't follow this.

You wanted him to cut down, he has, he is having a drink away and now you're annoyed he won't drink more with you? Is that the gist?

YeGodsandLittleFishies · 20/03/2025 12:03

He’s trying very hard to keep his drinking to a minimum.

You should support him on that as you will be the most negatively impacted if his drinking gets out of control.

Makebettermen · 20/03/2025 12:05

IceCreamWoes · 20/03/2025 12:00

I don't follow this.

You wanted him to cut down, he has, he is having a drink away and now you're annoyed he won't drink more with you? Is that the gist?

Yes, I guess so. My life changed dramatically to support him with his drinking. Sometimes I'd like a drink but I don't have one because he's not having one and now he's having one without me.

Except it wasn't me who wanted him to reduce his drinking, that was all his decision, which I have supported.

OP posts:
Togglebullets · 20/03/2025 12:11

It honestly sounds like you've got a slightly messed up relationship with alcohol - if, as you say, cutting down has 'changed your life dramatically'. And you see him having a beer as something so important and desirable that you're offended he'd do it without you.

Might be worth thinking about your changing relationship with alcohol as something that was important for you too not just something you're supporting him with.

YeGodsandLittleFishies · 20/03/2025 12:12

Did he ask you to stop drinking?

Does he object if you have a beer and he has a soft drink?

Makebettermen · 20/03/2025 12:13

Togglebullets · 20/03/2025 12:11

It honestly sounds like you've got a slightly messed up relationship with alcohol - if, as you say, cutting down has 'changed your life dramatically'. And you see him having a beer as something so important and desirable that you're offended he'd do it without you.

Might be worth thinking about your changing relationship with alcohol as something that was important for you too not just something you're supporting him with.

Well it's basically meant I've lost the connection with my longest standing friendship group, and I do completely different things for fun now. Which is good in many ways, but it's a big change.

OP posts:
Makebettermen · 20/03/2025 12:14

YeGodsandLittleFishies · 20/03/2025 12:12

Did he ask you to stop drinking?

Does he object if you have a beer and he has a soft drink?

No he didn't but he's much less keen to go out with couples who like a drink, like we used to pretty much every weekend.

OP posts:
Iknowaboutpopular · 20/03/2025 12:16

You sound ridiculously high maintenance over this. I'm really sorry to say that but there's no other way, it seems he can't do right for doing wrong.

Makebettermen · 20/03/2025 12:17

I don't want to drink alone. I've never done that even when I was "a drinker". Drinking is a sociable thing for me, it's the slightly tipsy conversation I enjoy more than the drink, which is why I'm disappointed that he's chosen to have a drink when I'm not there.

I mean, I realise he's done nothing wrong, I'm just feeling disappointed.

OP posts:
Punzel · 20/03/2025 12:17

Just choose not to be offended. Honestly, it’s very freeing. Assume your friends and loved ones don’t want to to upset you and if they do it’s by accident and just don’t take offence at stuff. Just release it.

Also, he’s in a beautiful city in the sunshine and he’s having a beer. It’s literally fine and even if he is, in this one instance choosing to drink today by the river instead of with you at the weekend, as a one off that’s completely fine too and you should also enjoy a beer in the sunshine today.

Makebettermen · 20/03/2025 12:18

Iknowaboutpopular · 20/03/2025 12:16

You sound ridiculously high maintenance over this. I'm really sorry to say that but there's no other way, it seems he can't do right for doing wrong.

I'm not high maintenance, I'm not going to say anything to him other than "enjoy". I'm just wishing I could sit in the sun with him and a beer!

OP posts:
Makebettermen · 20/03/2025 12:20

He's sent me a picture of his food now, which I'm taking as a sign of how he's thinking of me, rather than deliberately making me envious 😆

OP posts:
McSpoot · 20/03/2025 12:22

Why can’t you go out with friends while he’s away?

WeeOrcadian · 20/03/2025 12:24

Makebettermen · 20/03/2025 12:20

He's sent me a picture of his food now, which I'm taking as a sign of how he's thinking of me, rather than deliberately making me envious 😆

You're taking things too personally and overthinking it

Go out - nothing is stopping you

Makebettermen · 20/03/2025 12:25

McSpoot · 20/03/2025 12:22

Why can’t you go out with friends while he’s away?

Because no one wants a drink on a Thursday night?

OP posts:
Makebettermen · 20/03/2025 12:26

I'd have like to share a drink and have the tipsy conversation with him. I do go out with friends without him.

OP posts:
CuriousGeorge80 · 20/03/2025 12:28

Having a drink when abroad on a trip as a one off is very different to having a drink in your usual environment. The latter is far more likely to see you go backwards in turning away from regular drinking.

Regretsmorethanafew · 20/03/2025 12:28

Makebettermen · 20/03/2025 12:05

Yes, I guess so. My life changed dramatically to support him with his drinking. Sometimes I'd like a drink but I don't have one because he's not having one and now he's having one without me.

Except it wasn't me who wanted him to reduce his drinking, that was all his decision, which I have supported.

Edited

Then you have one, he can have a coke. What's the issue here?
It's all quite codependent

Iknowaboutpopular · 20/03/2025 12:28

I'm sure you're really not and this is just you overthinking and experiencing FOMO. He doesn't mean to do anything to offend you, so you need to choose to see it for what it actually is rather than the alternative.

Edited to say that I meant to quote you OP but for whatever reason it didn't work.

Hoppinggreen · 20/03/2025 12:29

My DH stopped drinking about 6 months ago, he didn't have a drinking issue but he had to stop for health reasons briefly and realised he gnerally felt better with no alcohol.
I drink from time to time but his stopping has made no difference to our lives at all, we still go out as much etc but he doesn't drink alcohol.
I have no idea why it would affect you

Makebettermen · 20/03/2025 12:29

Regretsmorethanafew · 20/03/2025 12:28

Then you have one, he can have a coke. What's the issue here?
It's all quite codependent

Is it so hard to understand that a tipsy conversation only happens when you're both tipsy?

It's fine and we'll do something else at the weekend. In this moment, I'm just wishing he was sharing the beer with me rather than colleagues.

OP posts:
Bestfootforward11 · 20/03/2025 12:30

Eh? I’m a bit confused with this all. I don’t think either of you have a healthy relationship with alcohol. I don’t think you need to be offended by him having a drink now but it’s worth reflecting on your own response to him having a drink without you because it’s framing things as though being together drinking is somehow special. You describe yourself as supporting him with his drinking but I do think you need to consider your own relationship with alcohol. Your focus is less on the fact that he’s in a beautiful city etc but more that you want to be having that drink with him. Good luck x