How do I learn to WANT to look after myself?

[Toothbrush9860552022]

I am mid thirties, married, 2 children but large age gap, one is a baby, one is a teenager.
I have a decent job, managing a team of 8 people. Lovely husband who is very helpful, and pulls his weight, but I am very much primary care giver in the decision making sense.
I take great pride in looking after my family and home. Children are always smart, have everything they need and lots of extra curricula's for teenager. Pets, all kept well and regularly groomed etc. House not perfect but tidy enough that I’m happy ish for people to call by unannounced most of the time. And I like doing all this- looking after them all is kind of my thing. I don’t have any hobbies of my own.
I just wish I could get the same enthusiasm to look after myself- I’m good 3-4 stone overweight, haven’t had a haircut since I was pregnant, and honestly some evenings, I can’t even be arsed to wash my face, let alone to a skin care routine.
I am so tired most of the time- but equally I just have no enthusiasm to sort these things out. I hate how i look- and I am very aware that DH is ageing well and I am looking like I am seriously punching.

I do have time and some funds to invest in myself- I just can’t seem to find the motivation to do so…..any ideas much appreciated.

Following with interest. Am very similar.

Sorry you feel the same. However it is quite nice to know it isn’t just me. It’s like I just run out of steam by the time I get to me.

Are you getting enough sleep / rest? I would start here if I were you.
It would make a world of difference to how you feel which would reflect on how you look.
Even if it is a few hours a week snatching 15-30 minutes here and there, with yourself relaxing (reading a book, daydreaming, anything). Try and build that time in.
You can then, gradually, fill in some of this time looking after your physical self (some form of exercise, a hair mask, a diy manicure, a face mask, anything that you can fit in within 15-30 minutes here and there).
I always say women should prioritise themselves first. Otherwise there's not enough to go around. Also, as children get older and more independent, then you'd have more time to yourself.
Try and avoid tv or wasting too much time online if you are short of time. Use that time to do something for you or have a power nap or do nothing in particular, just relax.
You'll get there!

Following as I also feel exactly the same

By the way, I can't give you a step by step guide because what I have always done is waking up really early to have time to think and do my own stuff before the house goes all crazy! Which means less sleep. Which obviously is not ideal 😁
Also evenings I'd try my hardest to have 30-60 minutes to myself. When children were not old, that meant I went to bed later, which, again, meant less sleep so not good in theory. But washing my hair or whatever, made me feel better than sleeping more, in my own head.
Honestly, start with sleeping more, that would be the sensible thing to do.

Following for any pearls of wisdom too!!
This is me too.. looking after everyone, plus the house.. no time for me and even if I did get time I really can’t be bothered!
I can’t even be bothered to buy clothes for myself, I look seriously bad! But by the time I have made sure that my 3 kids have all the clothes/shoes/coats that they need.. i really can’t be bothered to look for myself. I am a stone overweight and just look old and drained!!

Thank you. I probably get 7/8 hours, but the baby normally wakes once to come into our room. I think I have had 1 undisturbed night since the beginning of my pregnancy 19 months ago.

should have added, teenager is starting GCSE’s and needing lots of help to organise her revision, so she’s seems as about as self sufficient as the baby at the moment!

It’s like you just get maxed out.

again, sorry you feel the same! But comforting it’s not just me

Its so strange. I've done this for over 25 years. I'm great at organising anything and looking after everyone.
My kids have flown the nest and i try to help them from a distance. And i do. I mother everyone except myself. And i don't know why. I wish i was naturally selfish, i dont see that as a bad thing.
Now we have an empty nest I'm trying to relearn what i like to eat. For years I've done the shopping and got this for dc1 and that for dc2 and of course for dh too, i go round supermarkets automatically....then i come home and realise i have absolutely nothing for me. And now I've forgotten what i like. Genuinely forgotten. So i exist on toast and biscuits. And my clothes are mostly awful. I have 1 pair of jeans. No wonder i have 3 stone to lose. I will spend money on everything and anything but me.
I mean, no one asked me to be like this. Its no ones fault but my own. But no one seems to mind if i exist on toast, dh is only interested in his food. I wish i was more like him.

And im worn out. I dont have the oomph to drag myself off the floor.

Firstly, go and get a good haircut. You wear it every day and I think it's the single quickest and biggest change you can make to your overall look.
It's not quite what you asked, but I'm a big fan of things that maximise their impact for as little effort as possible. So I can't be arsed with hair masks (or frankly, conditioner) but using olaplex no 6 after washing makes my hair feel conditioned and helps encourage shiny waves. Sunday Riley Good Genes makes my skin almost glow. I do my own gel nails at home because they last a good two weeks whereas regular polish chips if I look at it wrong. I have tubes of hand cream by every sink, my bedside, my desk at home as if it's in front of me I'm more likely to remember to use it. Same with cut up fruit in the fridge. Maybe identify the one thing you can most muster a bit of energy for and just focus on pampering yourself that way initially.
Also if DH is 'aging better' it sounds like he needs a bit more on his plate and you need a bit less on yours.

I could have written this word for word! (Except DH aging well - he looks like he’s been through the tumble dryer alongside me 🤣)

Following!

Maybe think of it as an investment in you, for your future you.
By which I mean, losing the weight now, in your 30s, will take strain off your joints, so when you get to your 40s and 50s you will have fewer aches and strains, less chance of diabetes, and maybe an easier menopause. Likewise if you take care of your skin now, stay out of the sun and make time for self care, you will feel better in the longer run.

Thanks- these are great tips. And totally agree about the hair cut part. Just need to find the time to go and make it happen.

lol- I hadn’t thought about that re DH! Makes sense, I don’t know though, I think men tend to wear age a bit better. Plus, like a previous poster said, no one asks me to be like this, so even if he picked up more, if things didn’t get done, it doesn’t stress him like it does me, and I think that’s the difference.

off to book a haircut 💇‍♀️

Yes- I do try, and I know I need to lose the weight for my future- I feel terrible with it on. 2 stone is baby weight they I just haven’t shifted, even though baby is nearly 1!

I have actually bought the weight loss injection, but it’s sat in the fridge as I’m scared to start it with out some motivation to eat healthy.

Start with one little thing that makes a difference for you. That you genuinely enjoy and look forward to. Anything - a special cup for your coffee/a really nice shampoo/a wander round the garden on the morning. Prioritise it. Then add something else. Like everything else in life it takes practice. (I started after a really terrible couple of years, where I realised that if I didn’t pay myself some attention I wasn’t going around to be kind and selfless to anyone else)

I'm a bit like this I've always put it down to not being a girly girl, I don't know how others can be bothered for a full face of make up, blow dry each day and tan! However I have always been religious about my evening skin routine. I recently got a new bath sponge and honestly (sounds lame!) It's changed me 🤣🤣 i now exfoliate every shower/bath and fully moisturise my body after and each day I just put on a minimal amount of make up. It actually feels really nice to carve a tiny bit of time out for yourself even if it's moisturising. Find one little thing you like and practice it for 30 days... it will then become a habit. It can be anything, prepping yourself a nice meal, making sure you drink more water, brushing your hair. Start small make it fun!

You are doing too much it’s as simple as that

Look on your phone right now for a hairdresser and set an alarm on your phone for 9am tomorrow with the alarm labelled as ‘book hairdresser now’

if you do that tomorrow morning early as possible and get booked in that will start your momentum

go downstairs right now and fill a water bottle up with water and put it in the fridge so you can wake up and drink nice cold water first thing. That will wake you up and keep this momentum going

run to the bathroom right now and wash your face as quickly as possible set a 1 minute timer if you have to and then shove any kind of moisturiser on. This will also start your momentum. This will eventually become a habit and then you can slowly add extra care bits in, like a face mask, hair mask, paint your nails, more skin care. You get the jist

Get DH to watch the baby tomorrow while you have a damn decent bath/shower

your next free day either with or without the kids/DH needs to be about you ! Mother’s Day is coming up that could be the perfect day for a day all about you! You want a new outfit, go get it/order it,
you don’t want to cook and want to go for a meal or takeaway, you do that

and the best weapon is perfume! Everyone feels more put together and like they are living their best life when they smell good - invest in a nice one. Or get a nice smelling one from like Zara for everyday wear

I didn't mention WLI because it felt like it might be overstepping, but as someone who is 4 months in and 3 stone down, just do it! Best investment I've made in myself probably ever.
If you're still nervous, or risk assessing for yourself, head over to the WLI board as pretty much every question that could be asked has been.
It's not easy to eat badly when using them. You'll find you get fuller quicker, but also for most people the urge to snack or binge goes away too. I could eat chocolate or cake but I'm just not bothered about them. I do sometimes and it's very nice but I understand what life has been like for those people who just want one biscuit now!

Wash your hair the night before, quick blow dry if you can. Moisturise every night and spf every morning. Try steam pack veggies with a tin of tuna or salmon/egg or tofu for lunch, it’s quick. Just try to change one meal a day to a healthy one. Cut out crisps/choc/alcohol.

Jab yourself 🤷🏼‍♀️ friend has started it, it took a little while to work, she’s increased the dose and been sick but she is losing weight. She’s exercising, walking more, doing wall Pilates and she changed her diet a couple of weeks before jabbing. She doesn’t want to take it forever, just a kick start to lose 3 stone and she’s lost almost one stone already.

Do you mean look after yourself as in because it will make you feel better? Or because society tells you that ypu should be thinner, spend money on nails and time on makeup etc. Do men do that? Will you feel better or will men think you look better? Do things for you, but be careful they are not just what you are told will make you feel/be ‘better’

No not overstepping. I’m basically worried about side effects- and have got into a headspace that I need an easy week to take the first one in case of side effects. I have said to DH though that Thursday evening is the day 😦

Interesting comment! No I am pretty sure it’s for me. Sometimes I forget how much my body/face has changed in the last few years, and the. I catch I sight of myself in a shop window and am sad. I want to look attractive/cool/confident etc

Choose one new thing a week. Get a haircut and wash it and condition it.
Next week try better skin care.
Following week sort brows.

But more importantly so something that brings you joy. Nicer food, nicer coffee, a nice walk/ massage. See friends, go see a band/ film/ play you like. Read a book

Life is too short to be a martyr.

It’s not surprising you feel awful if you only eat biscuits and toast :(

I hear you. Try not to second guess the side effects too much because they're different for everyone. About 4 days after I took the first two jabs I was (TMI) shitting exploding liquid all afternoon and was stressing that that was what it was always going to be like. Touch wood, once that settled that's all I've had though. No nausea or being sick, a bit of (TMI) constipation but that's honestly a bit of a treat after years of IBS-D, more energy, pre diabetes looks like it's been reversed.