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How do I learn to WANT to look after myself?

36 replies

Toothbrush9860552022 · 18/03/2025 20:46

I am mid thirties, married, 2 children but large age gap, one is a baby, one is a teenager.
I have a decent job, managing a team of 8 people. Lovely husband who is very helpful, and pulls his weight, but I am very much primary care giver in the decision making sense.
I take great pride in looking after my family and home. Children are always smart, have everything they need and lots of extra curricula's for teenager. Pets, all kept well and regularly groomed etc. House not perfect but tidy enough that I’m happy ish for people to call by unannounced most of the time. And I like doing all this- looking after them all is kind of my thing. I don’t have any hobbies of my own.
I just wish I could get the same enthusiasm to look after myself- I’m good 3-4 stone overweight, haven’t had a haircut since I was pregnant, and honestly some evenings, I can’t even be arsed to wash my face, let alone to a skin care routine.
I am so tired most of the time- but equally I just have no enthusiasm to sort these things out. I hate how i look- and I am very aware that DH is ageing well and I am looking like I am seriously punching.

I do have time and some funds to invest in myself- I just can’t seem to find the motivation to do so…..any ideas much appreciated.

OP posts:
Eqnature · 18/03/2025 22:17

Yep, start small. If you’d like to style your hair, just do that, I for years washed my hair and left it to dry…only recently did I start drying/styling it again. That led to me doing nails more often…ordering some new clothes…etc, I feel like once you start it snowballs

i am very much the same though, love looking after everyone, and can only rest if everyone else is happy and organised. Leaving no energy/motivation for myself. Make yourself take even 30 minutes 3 times a week to do something to make you feel good x

Oldgalgames · 18/03/2025 22:40

I could have wrote this myself a year ago, one day I woke up and something changed, I think the fact I am 40 next year gave me the boost to want to be the best version of myself when I get there or I'm having a midlife crisis! I started meal prepping, getting 10k steps in, growing my nails that i had bitten forever, started invisalign and joined the gym. It's done me wonders and I am loving the changes which continues to motivate me.

I buy most clothes of vinted so get yourself on there and buy something you feel good in. Fresh air and excercise really does help with everything and that's coming from someone who used to hate any form of exercise at all, even just a walk for 30 mins a day if you can it really gives you a boost.

TheBoomingVoiceofExperience · 19/03/2025 06:45

I’m the same op and trying to deal with it by incrementally changing one thing at a time until it’s habit. So far I have done face skincare, multivitamins and feet scrubbing every day (baby soft feet now). Working on my hair now and improving my diet. Then it will be something like using body oil regularly or nails or something else. Exercise needs to come in too.

i can’t manage a full revamp straight away, so its small steps for me. I’m hoping that means I can change my habits for good.

Bristollocalknowledge · 19/03/2025 08:05

I’m partly place marking so I can read the advice of others.

Link the habits to things you already do. Wash your face when you bath the kids, take your multivitamins when you give them to the kids. Show the children how you look after yourself, they grow up seeing you as a person and will learn to treat themsleves first.

Start adding more protein and water into your diet.

theprincessthepea · 19/03/2025 09:12

It’s A hard one because it really has to come from within or, be influenced by something external.

What works for me is telling someone else that cares about the thing and almost reminding them to tell me. For instance I take my daughter to her activities on the weekend and there is an hour window for me to run. Teens are pretty honest so I’ve told her I want to run. She remind me “are you running today? Why not?” Etc. I’ve always told her if there is something you want to do, commit to it - so she sees it as testing my own rules!

But before I get to this point my mind has to be in a place where it wants to change. I’m the same as you OP, baby, teen plus a job. It’s a lot. I went to the changing rooms to try on clothes and realised I didn’t like my body. And I want to bring down my stomach, sort some aches with physio. My partner has been going to the gym regularly. He never pressured me, but knows that I have been complaining about my shape, and body - so I’ve asked him to be my PT (as a half joke) and get me into fitness. So he reminds me that I can go with him etc - honestly that didn’t motivate me. But seeing what I want to change for myself, not being happy with it and then asking him to hold me accountable has helped - and I don’t love the gym but live classes and he has been encouraging.

my answer is accountability and a little tough love with your permission.

charmanderflame · 19/03/2025 09:21

You've made looking after other people your "thing". That's all well and good but it also indicates a potential lack of self worth/ self confidence in stepping forward and becoming what you really want to be for yourself.

Have you ever asked yourself why you don't have any hobbies? Why have you completely given yourself to others without keeping a bit for yourself?

Sorry if this sounds harsh, not intended that way - it's a pattern many of us fall into. But you do need to think about where and why you lost yourself.

BreakfastatTiffannys · 22/04/2025 12:48

Being overweight kind of does that to us. We know something should be done, but sometimes we just can't find the energy. Also, it sounds as if you're dedicating all of your time to everyone and everything else, which is good, but in doing that, sometimes we just can't see ourselves (literally, sometimes we even stop looking in the mirror). I've been there before and I know how hard it is to look at yourself again. But I guess you should do it one small step at a time. If you do one thing that pleases you every day, it'll become a habit.

ssd · 22/04/2025 17:29

Some great ideas here

Conversationkiller654 · 22/04/2025 17:58

First of all op, pat yourself on the back! You live a very full-on life! And you are doing incredibly well to be spinning so many plates,

You don’t have enough headspace atm though so you need to make some time in your schedule just for yourself. Perhaps start once a week on a Sunday? Or a Tuesday evening? Whatever works for you?

Remember this will probably involve saying “no” to something else and that’s ok. One of the greatest gifts you can give yourself, your husband, and your dc, is feeling good, healthy and confident in yourself.

It’s a great example to set for your dc too who are learning to value and look after themselves. They will be watching how you do this!

Schedule it in and don’t let anyone or anything, except an extreme emergency, encroach upon that time. It will soon become a habit.

Perhaps start with aiming to be healthy rather than cool? But again, whatever works best for you?

You can use the time to menu plan for the week. Book a hair or dental appt (if booking is on-line)? Plan your exercise schedule. Organise your clothes for the week ahead.

Have a bath, a face mask, a hair mask, shave your legs, apply moisturiser and a light fake tan. Give yourself a manicure and a pedicure. Meditate or pray. Write a journal. Breathe and clarify your thoughts.

Go through your clothes in your wardrobe, try things on and discard others. Gather together some accessories and little extras like some lavender oil or a lovely scent to lift your mood. Perhaps some jewellery or a new summer handbag and sandals? None of it needs to be expensive. Some well chosen accessories like a belt or a classic bracelet can make all the difference. As can a good haircut.

And gradually start adding in a few more good habits like a walk at lunchtime or a weekly yoga class. Do not let these extra things become a burden though or run you ragged! The key is not trying to do it all but to swap something you do already and replace it with something you do for others! There are only so many hours in the day!

Conversationkiller654 · 22/04/2025 18:16

Conversationkiller654 · 22/04/2025 17:58

First of all op, pat yourself on the back! You live a very full-on life! And you are doing incredibly well to be spinning so many plates,

You don’t have enough headspace atm though so you need to make some time in your schedule just for yourself. Perhaps start once a week on a Sunday? Or a Tuesday evening? Whatever works for you?

Remember this will probably involve saying “no” to something else and that’s ok. One of the greatest gifts you can give yourself, your husband, and your dc, is feeling good, healthy and confident in yourself.

It’s a great example to set for your dc too who are learning to value and look after themselves. They will be watching how you do this!

Schedule it in and don’t let anyone or anything, except an extreme emergency, encroach upon that time. It will soon become a habit.

Perhaps start with aiming to be healthy rather than cool? But again, whatever works best for you?

You can use the time to menu plan for the week. Book a hair or dental appt (if booking is on-line)? Plan your exercise schedule. Organise your clothes for the week ahead.

Have a bath, a face mask, a hair mask, shave your legs, apply moisturiser and a light fake tan. Give yourself a manicure and a pedicure. Meditate or pray. Write a journal. Breathe and clarify your thoughts.

Go through your clothes in your wardrobe, try things on and discard others. Gather together some accessories and little extras like some lavender oil or a lovely scent to lift your mood. Perhaps some jewellery or a new summer handbag and sandals? None of it needs to be expensive. Some well chosen accessories like a belt or a classic bracelet can make all the difference. As can a good haircut.

And gradually start adding in a few more good habits like a walk at lunchtime or a weekly yoga class. Do not let these extra things become a burden though or run you ragged! The key is not trying to do it all but to swap something you do already and replace it with something you do for others! There are only so many hours in the day!

Erratum: too late to edit! Sorry I meant replace it with something you do for yourself!

NimbleTiger · 22/04/2025 18:41

I've just been on this journey over the last 2 years after leaving a toxic relationship. I realised everything I did was through the needs of someone else child/p/work etc. So I started with the haircut as previously suggested - making the next appointment b4 I left the salon so I started a routine. Then came skincare something I had never bothered with ( tried different products till I found some I enjoyed using ) tried to eat a bit more healthily got 2 stones off ..took a bigger interest in the newer trends in clothes and stopped saying I didn't need them (I did) and started buying some.
Two years down I have a new social life have discovered aqua aerobics and the gym . Looking after myself has become second nature and lifted my self esteem but it wasn't easy at first. After 40+ years of being last in line I'm a better person for taking time for me. Just do something one step every week/ month and you will soon get your mojo back. Hugs

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