Mum Finances and maybe memory difficulties

[Myfamilyareweird]

Did a thread recently about my DM and her house, she's on an interest only mortgage and they won't extend it after August.

The thread is here

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/money-matters/5233013-dm-cant-remortgage-hasnt-sold-her-house

So since this my siblings and I helped DM clear the house and fixed a few essential items (the house is quite rundown) ready to get it on the market, DM had chosen an estate agent and all she needed to do was call and arrange to start the process but since then nothing has happened.

DM has always been chaotic and struggled with executive functioning and maintaining structure, we used to go without essentials i.e toothpaste, toilet rolls, sanitary ware for days for no real reason other than she wasn't organised enough to remember to get it. We lived in the country with no real way for us to walk to shops (as kids) but always only a 5 mins drive from shops.

She has also always been terrible with financial management and has been in debt and been helped by my sibling in the past.

We've noticed a worsening of this and at times it appears she is making dangerous decisions lighting a indoor fire with petrol is one that comes to mind but also she doesn't seem to be able to organise herself and with the house just seems to be ignoring it. She also seems to struggle to find the right words for things at times.

We have tried discussing with her she denies there is a problem, we've tried to offer help with the organisation of the house sale and her finances and she's refused.

I raised concerns about her memory after an operation she had and the nurses noticed something but the doctor didn't.

We've thought about writing to her GP but realistically there's not much they can do to help her is there?

She's still appears to have capacity so sadly I think out only option is to leave her to it. I suspect she probably sat at the lower end of functioning for some things and then has had a slight change that has made what was already there worse.

Any thoughts on what else we could do? It is so sad she's living hand to mouth, in a cold home, and probably about to have her home repossessed.

I would contact her gp and the mortgage company, was the fire reported to her gp or social services. She is vulnerable and she won't be able to sell the house if she doesn't understand the process or the financial commitment. No reputable estate agent or solicitor should act for someone who isn't fully aware or understands. I would also make adult social services aware, where us she planning to live if the house gets sold or repossession.

We haven't contacted anyone yet, she is good at hiding things ( knowing SEN she probably masks) and whilst she does exhibit symptoms it's not all the time.

I have no clue where she thinks she will stay if she loses the house, perhaps our grandmother but she's been very ill recently with flu and is nearly 100 and very frail.

I think her behaviour is related to lack of ability to process things but then partially I'm not so sure and think she's always been away with the fairies but still an adult who should be allowed to make their own decisions however stupid they are.

She can make decisions.but if the estate agent or solicitor are concerned she doesn't understand the house selling process they shouldn't accept her as a client. How's she going to engage them, pay and sign the paperwork.

She's functioning enough I think she'd get away with it until it came to organising anything paperwork wise then I suspect it might fall apart and she wouldn't be able to find the information they need to proceed.

Apart from writing to her GP and raising it there's very little we can do I believe unless I'm missing something?

Ideally what she needs is one of us to takeover and sort it all for her then control of her finances going forward and keep a general eye on her that she's safe. As far as I'm aware getting that kind of control is almost impossible without the person's prior consent.

Would she be happy I'd you said you'd like ro help her with sorting out the paperwork, paying bills to take rhe pressure odd and make life a bit easier for. If she agree she can give you power of attorney if she has capacity, without capacity youd have to apply dor deputyship but she's need a capacity assessment. Maybe third party access to her bank account might help but you couldn't sell the house with that.

Oh god, OP, I feel your pain!

We did write to the GP about MIL and they arranged a GPCog test which did highlight problems with her memory and mental function but to be honest it was absolutely no use at all, as nothing changed. Even when she was officially diagnosed with Alzheimer's and vascular dementia a year later (it was glaringly obvious to us that she had dementia for at least a year before that) she was still deemed to have capacity by doctors and social workers.

It's hard enough to deal with this situation when they cooperate, near impossible when they don't and getting outside help or intervention is impossible in our experience It's hard enough to deal with this situation when they cooperate, near impossible when they don't and getting outside help or intervention is impossible in our experience. It may be different where you are.

Luckily she did allow DH to have a bank card on her bank account so we were able to pay her bills.

OP do have a look on the Elderly Parents forum. Websites like Age.U.K. and Dementia U.K. also have lots of helpful information.

Also look at the Adult Social Care section of your local council.

Thank you everyone for the suggestions, we've already suggested getting POA and helping her with the process, I've said I'll sit down with her and work out how much to spend on a house how much to put in savings/ pension so she has a comfortable income.

I suspect some of her refusal of help is embarrassment she knows it's not right but doesn't want to admit.

She just refuses, next step is to write to the GP and adult social services we might have to try the legal route as otherwise she's going to get in a right state, my sibling spoke to the mortgage company and she doesn't have to have sold by August but I think it will go on variable rate.

I can see her then mortgage going up massively her defaulting on payments and eventually losing it all.