Fifty and feeling very sad today

[HereAgainFFS]

I don't know what I'm asking here hence chat not aibu. I've felt so so sad this weekend. It's long. Probably don't even expect a reply. Just need somewhere to say it.

I'm fifty. I have a chronic illness. I have no partner and no prospect of one and don't know if I have the energy to even look for one. I have a young teenage child who is autistic.

I have seen one friend for half an hour since December. Feel like I'm losing friends. I can't do fun stuff because I'm not well. I'm not much fun because I'm not well and I have to save my energy for work.

I only see other adults to chat to at work. I had a shit time at work last week. Feel like people take from me and criticise me, and while logically I think this is about them and not me, I was really shaken by an incident last week. I was shouted at in a meeting by a manager. She accused me of having a go at her which I was not. We were having a professional discussion about an issue. She is not my manager. I was there in a specialist capacity. She's known for being a bit scheming so I am worried about how this might unfold a bit. She did say sorry later and I accepted but it's made me feel like an awful person even though I do know I didn't have a go at her at all.

I had an abusive exh and when someone is angry with me, I go to a default of feeling like it must be my fault and I'm an awful person. I know this isn't logical but I feel ashamed.

I feel like maybe people see me alone at fifty and think it's because I'm awful. I must be hard work.

When me and my ex split up it was really traumatic and though my brother was meant to be supporting me, I heard him talking about me to exh saying I was overweight and hard work and known to be difficult in our family. I don't think that's true. I think that's my brother doing macho bullshit with my exh and his sibling rivalry issues, but I can't wash it out my head even though this was years ago.

I feel like my confidence is gone. I can't bear the thought of even trying to find a partner. I find it embarrassing to even think anyone would be interested. I feely professional confidence is low too. Like I'm not young and dynamic anymore and nobody likes me.

Fuck it's probably mainly menopause isn't it? But I am sad at how life turned out for me but also ashamed as if obviously this is all I deserve.

I don't know if I dare try hrt again. I reacted badly last time I tried.

Sorry for moaning if you read this.

And I've had therapy for years. Don't think it's doing anything now. I just pay someone to listen to me which is a bit sad in itself.

Im sorry you feel so low. Illness is so hard, and being a single parent is also hard-and then there are additional needs of ASD. You have a lot on your plate. But you are worthy and worthy of love. And if your current therapist isn't helping us it worth changing? And trying the HRT again?

You've had a tough time 🙁

But happy birthday though, half a century! 🌺

Don't worry about work, the woman was abrasive and has apologised. I'm sure others know what she's like.

If there anything nice you can do tonight, like favourite tv show? Ice cream if you like it? You need some things you enjoy doing.

@CalicoPusscat ha, you've made me laugh. It's not my birthday. I was fifty a while ago 🙈 Sorry if I didn't write very clearly.

Just trying the get to bed now. I'll watch some more TV, yes. Need to stop dwelling and distract myself.

And thank you @HappyHedgehog247 for replying and being kind. What is your secret to being happy then.. happy hedgehog? I feel like I'm in catch 22. I'm in pain most of the time and feel awful and I am probably less patient than I was, but then who wants to be around a moaning old thing? I need to snap out of it somehow.

Sorry you are feeling low and that you aren’t in good health. I think it’s very understandable to feel sorry for yourself if you are ill. It’s boring and it makes everything hard work.
Do you manage to have fun with your son. I know that might not be that simple depending how his autism presents itself. Does he go to his Dads or do you look after him all the time. Full time work and looking after your son must take up a lot of your time and energy.
Is there anything you can do to make things easier? If finances allow are you able to get more help? What about health issues? Can you do anything that might help how you feel? Better sleep habits, stopping smoking or cutting down on alcohol. I’m terrible for going to bed late. I know I’d feel better if I had more sleep but I find it difficult to make myself do it.
Have you spoken to a Doctor about restarting HRT? I take hrt and am one of those people that believes it’s a wonder drug. It has made such a difference to how I feel.
Sorry my advice is obvious stuff. I’m sure you’ve thought of it already.

I'm sorry you are feeling down - it's hard to manage Illness all the time especially with everything else going on. 50 maybe a time for a reset. Can you make a list of some things to look forward to? Maybe join a local group or plan a trip. Focus on the little things that may bring you joy. Hope all goes ok

Oops sorry! I'd share my gelato with you if you were nearer

@sSssssssssssssOOO my son can be good company but I feel lonely with him quite often too. He likes his own space. Is getting older so needs to be with friends when he can. He also talks non stop about his interests and isn't that interested in what I say. I did manage to take him out for a bit yesterday but I was exhausted after and have been today. He's a lovely lad but has his issues which are hard to deal with. Exh sees him but I never fully relax when he's there. He's a messed up person and causes me and my son a lot of stress.

@HollyIvie thank you for the ideas. I'm not sure about the hrt. Keep going back and forth. I'm scared it'll cause issue with my other condition and haven't got the capacity for a relapse. I have to keep going for work and my son.

I can't do hobbies or socialise much. I have to rest mainly if I'm not at work. It really is very boring. You may be right about sleep. I should probably try and go to bed a bit earlier but I find it hard with my son. He's getting so he's up later. Walls are like paper so I don't settle until he is!

Thank you all for being kind though. Makes me feel a bit less alone. I'm quite pathetic today. 🙈

I really feel for you; you’re dealing with a lot and that’s bound to make you feel a bit down. I think you’re right in that it can be a bit of a vicious circle though.

Some things I think help:
I have a list of things I enjoy—can range to getting a haircut to going swimming or fit a walk or reading a magazine or having a cup of coffee in a nice cafe and reading the paper. When I’m feeling down I pick something from the list to do.

Secondly, music is incredibly powerful for changing mood. Try playing some music that you associate with good times… I’ve played the sound of music (‘I have confidence’) in dark times and it genuinely cheers me up and sends me to work with a spring in my step.

exercise is a huge mood lifter. Go for a walk or a swim or to the gym if that’s your thing. If you’re trying to lose weight it also suppresses appetite so win win.

Scent is also powerful. choose a lovely perfume or bodywash or room scent to lift your mood.

Animals are very cheering. if you are able to get out to see some in the wild that’s great or borrow a friend’s dog or even go to one of those kids petting zoo places and get a bit of contact (kitten cafe in London?)

Make sure you’re eating well and having nice healthy things: lots of fruit and vegetables if you can. Drink more water. Give yourself a treat of a glass of wine every now and then.

If you’re able, go away for a weekend or a holiday somewhere. See another place (could be UK or abroad). It’s to your advantage that you don’t have a partner to please… you can do whatever you like. If you can find someone to look after your young teenager for a little, just have a day off entirely to yourself and go to an art gallery or film or something for some grown up time.

Sorry if any of those suggestions aren’t helpful but at different times they’ve helped me even when I was short of cash.

Agh OP, am 47 long time single, teen growing up fast. Not feeling great at the moment. The only thing making me feel better is exercise. Anything you like doing??

Oh think I replied wrong way round there. Sorry.

Think you're right. It is about focus. I need to get my head in the right place and it isn't. I do need some joy.

Sadly I can't exercise now because of my illness. I used to love walking. I miss it greatly.

I understand feeling unwell brings down everything else. But what do you actually want life to look like? It’s hard to be something if you don’t know what that is.!

You have a job and a home and a child. These are good things even if they aren’t perfect.
Could the illness be helped by losing weight/ changing diet some sort if exercise? I find a little bit of action can help decluttering and chucking out stuff is therapeutic.

Can you join a group ( or start one) for others with your illness? Any groups for parents of other ASD teens? You won’t be alone in feeling a bit shite.

Sorry you're not feeling great either. Maybe it's cos it's Sunday. Sometimes I feel better when the week starts again.

There's nothing they can do for my illness. It isn't helped by weight or diet and it's hard to eat well or lose weight with it. I won't get better.

I suppose you touch on the crux of it @Overhaul54 I don't feel I have agency. When I was well I could (in theory) change job, get a promotion, try something new, find a man, decorate the house. I cant do anything now. I struggle to feel I have a say in my life. I'm just surviving at the moment.

Decluttering is definitely a good thing, though I haven't the energy to manage it easily . I did manage to move some stuff to the garage a while ago at least.

I think all these suggestions are actually really helpful because what it is really bringing home is that it is probably a lack of confidence from not being able to be the strong woman I was. I am still adjusting to this new/less than me. And I feel I am increasingly alone.

I do have an online support group and they're great. But it can get a bit depressing sometimes.

Right.... going to stop whining and go watch some tv. Thank you all. You're v nice to talk to me when I'm being pathetic.

I just want to send you a virtual hug. You’ve got a lot on your plate and deserve more support and consideration. That manager needs a stern talking to; I’d be keeping notes on her. Probably nothing to do with you personally but bullying colleagues can play havoc with your mental health if you’re one to internalise things. One of the posters had good simple ideas for boosting mood; growing things is another one. Houseplants, herbs maybe. And even if you haven’t seen a friend in a while, spontaneous chats with colleagues or in shops or with neighbours can be very cheering, so try to get out even if you’re not up to long walks. You’re doing so well with all that you have going on.

Happy birthday OP. You don’t sound pathetic at all. Sending you big hugs and hope you find something good on TV 💜

I’m going through similar - well not exactly as I have a husband but can’t work. I have ME and Fibro and I’m so fed up at the minute as I just never, ever feel anything other than shit. I honestly can’t remember the last time I felt ok, let alone good. My husband has started doing loads of actitvities that I’d love to join in with but I can’t and it’s soul destroying.

I wish I could offer some advice to make it better for you but I have none apart from trying to do something just for you if you can. Even if it’s something small like doing some colouring or cross stitch or purposefully having a luxurious bath. I know these things don’t change anything but they do help me slightly because it feels like I’m worthy of those things.

I know it’s really hard but you’re not alone.

Haha thank you...again badly written post by me...not my birthday was fifty a while ago but enjoying the birthday wishes 🙈😂

Sorry you're feeling so rough, OP.
One thing I am a hundred percent certain of is that being single does NOT mean there is something wrong with you. Lots of fabulous women are single, and some rather unpleasant ones have devoted partners.
It's such a cliche, but I think the fastest way to feel better is to genuinely like and love yourself; to treat yourself as someone you've known a long time who isn't perfect but has some interesting and lovable qualities, and whose side you are wholeheartedly on, and who you want to do nice things for. And to think of the times you've done something good and loving, or a piece of work has gone especially well, rather than sadness and emptiness. As the Buddhists say, 'the mind takes the shape of what it rests upon'.

Not poorly written - poorly interpreted by me!! Glad it gave you a smile anyway 🫢😂

Also sending virtual hugs OP.
I'm sorry that you are feeling sad.
I hope that you are enjoying TV and can do some other comforting, soothing things to look after yourself. You are worthy of care and tenderness.

Your brother was probably trying to keep things amicable by acting understanding, that's quite common - the worst thing in a separation is if the ex begins to dislike the whole family when there is a child involved.

The manager most likely has other things going on and was embarrassed after, the fact she apologised says a lot about that.

And you have a wonderful DC. The autistic DC we know (including our own family members) have had some tricky teen years but been very close with parents as adults. More so than neurotypical adults in my experience. You have plenty of future ahead, you have a job, child and may well find a partner once your DC is older if that's what you want at a stage when you aren't as busy.

I could have written this myself although I'm not 50.
I'm so sorry you feel like this OP. It's tough. Does your teenager need a lot of support?

He's up and down. He's had a lot of bullying. He doesn't manage homework without meltdowns. He needs support to engage socially with the few friends he has. He struggles with his Dad. I love him to bits but I'm drained.

.I worry a lot about him.

I am very sad about what the future holds for me. I can see me dying alone in a horrible nursing home tbh. That's grim but I've realised that I just don't have a support network. I know some of my sadness is grief too.

I cant begin to imagine how you are feeling with all that on your plate 😔 but your a mother and your working, your still fighting! There are so many lonely people in the world. I don't know if being more in nature is a possibility? Even just listening to the birds in the morning. Bird sounds are so lovely!