I don't know what I'm asking here hence chat not aibu. I've felt so so sad this weekend. It's long. Probably don't even expect a reply. Just need somewhere to say it.
I'm fifty. I have a chronic illness. I have no partner and no prospect of one and don't know if I have the energy to even look for one. I have a young teenage child who is autistic.
I have seen one friend for half an hour since December. Feel like I'm losing friends. I can't do fun stuff because I'm not well. I'm not much fun because I'm not well and I have to save my energy for work.
I only see other adults to chat to at work. I had a shit time at work last week. Feel like people take from me and criticise me, and while logically I think this is about them and not me, I was really shaken by an incident last week. I was shouted at in a meeting by a manager. She accused me of having a go at her which I was not. We were having a professional discussion about an issue. She is not my manager. I was there in a specialist capacity. She's known for being a bit scheming so I am worried about how this might unfold a bit. She did say sorry later and I accepted but it's made me feel like an awful person even though I do know I didn't have a go at her at all.
I had an abusive exh and when someone is angry with me, I go to a default of feeling like it must be my fault and I'm an awful person. I know this isn't logical but I feel ashamed.
I feel like maybe people see me alone at fifty and think it's because I'm awful. I must be hard work.
When me and my ex split up it was really traumatic and though my brother was meant to be supporting me, I heard him talking about me to exh saying I was overweight and hard work and known to be difficult in our family. I don't think that's true. I think that's my brother doing macho bullshit with my exh and his sibling rivalry issues, but I can't wash it out my head even though this was years ago.
I feel like my confidence is gone. I can't bear the thought of even trying to find a partner. I find it embarrassing to even think anyone would be interested. I feely professional confidence is low too. Like I'm not young and dynamic anymore and nobody likes me.
Fuck it's probably mainly menopause isn't it? But I am sad at how life turned out for me but also ashamed as if obviously this is all I deserve.
I don't know if I dare try hrt again. I reacted badly last time I tried.
Sorry for moaning if you read this.
And I've had therapy for years. Don't think it's doing anything now. I just pay someone to listen to me which is a bit sad in itself.