Ideal age gap, in your opinion?

[idealagegaps]

We have baby DC1 and love being parents. I was wondering what MN think is a good age gap between siblings and why.

I like the idea of each DC getting a fair amount of attention when they are young and do enjoy the baby stage. I am under no illusion that the toddler stage will probably be a lot more tiring. Also mindful of future costs like uni and driving lessons not clashing. Equally, it seems like with a smaller age gap there are more shared interests and days out etc are easier. A small gap would also mean our DC and our DN are all close together in age, which might be nice for them growing up and also grandparents.

Other factors:

• Both DH and I will need to work, but I can be part time 0.6. DH works long hours
• One MC previously but conceived quite quickly each time
• We’re in our mid 20s currently
• I had hypertension in pregnancy which might recur in a future pregnancy, so I will need to be as calm as possible (but maybe also not leave it ages as it could worsen with age?) also experienced quite severe PGD.
• I will be having another caesarean
• We have a 3 bed house but DC would probably need to share a room or we’d have to move, as 3rd room is not big enough

I know it’s a personal choice but what gap would you think to be ideal if these were your circumstances?

That is so different for everyone. Mine are 12,10 and 9. Great, terrible and chaotic in equal measure! It really depends on what you want for your family.

My boys were born 15 months apart.
First one planned, second one not.
I don’t recommend that age gap.

Mine are 16 months apart and 'just one more' became two more because I had twins.

DS is 2 and twin DD's are 1 at the end of next month. Crazy year.

Mine are almost all grown up now but there is a lot to be said for 3 years. It used to be the point at which you got pre school funded places for the older one when they were tiny, and reduced the risk of having 2 needing support at university at once. My age gaps are far from ideal, though!

Don't go for two school years apart. I have one doing A Levels and one doing GCSEs at the moment. It's a special kind of hell...

4y4m between my two and I like that gap. DD is independent enough to not need me to dress her in the morning and can play alone for a little while, plus had enough understanding for when I needed to feed the baby etc. personally wouldn’t have liked the age gap any closer but I have a friend with a 16 month age gap which she loved so it’s variable!

3 years between mine. Loved the time I had with my first, got toilet training etc done before number 2 arrived. Only down side for me was the sleepless night. DD1 only started sleeping through at 3.5, and DD2 is shaping up to be the same- 6 years of broken sleep has been really rough.

It sounds like you sort of know you want a smaller age gap.
It’s such a personal thing… and ultimately…. It doesn’t matter too much. Big or small age gap there are always pros and cons. You’ll get through it one way or another because you kind of have to. Age isn’t a deciding factor for you being in your 20s either, so you have the luxury of a bit more time to decide. I’m (inexplicably) 36 so didn’t reliably have another 4-5 years to have a bigger age gap. Plus I do think I would have found the physical aspects of parenting easier in my 20s than my 30s, but it wasn’t to be in my 20s so here I am.
I fully appreciate lots manage in their 40s but toddlerhood is kicking my butt and I cannot imagine doing it again much older than I am now 🤣

I think either really close, and just ‘survive’ the difficult bits. But mainly I think 5/6yrs is optimal. Probably because that’s the gap I’ve got with my sibling and we get on so well. There’s no competition because we’ve always been at such different stages of life, but then once you’re adults and working the age gap is irrelevant anyway.

It's so individual you simply can't state a best age gap, the best age gap is the one that's right for you, and what happens in your life

Me and my sister are 1 year and 2 weeks apart and we are very close as every aspect of our childhood we shared together. She was my absolute favourite person as children, as teenagers and now as adults.

We had all the same friends, we did the same things together, we spent all our time together, we never argued and it was like having a best friend who just happened to be my sister too. Every memory of my childhood is wrapped up in her and we can spend hours crying from laughter when we reminisce about all the mischievous things we used to get up to together.

As a result I wanted to have the same for any children I had but sadly life had other plans and the age gap between my two boys is 3.5 years.

They currently absolutely ADORE each other, they want to do everything together, they hate being away from each other and they will always say they are each other’s best friend. Their relationship is so special and it’s exactly like how me and my sister used to be.

However, they are currently 11 and 7.5 years old and I’m under no illusion that their relationship will remain like this. I imagine in a few years my eldest son will start to find his young brother annoying and not want him hanging around etc and their separate friendship groups and lives will start to emerge. I do feel really sad about that because I would love them to stay like they are now forever, so I just remain grateful for the wonderful relationship they have now and wait for the day it starts to change.

There have been benefits to having the larger gap, but overall I wish they were much closer in age.

Wow!

We have a 3y11m gap and it works well. DC1 was in nursery and almost in school when DC2 was born so I had a proper mat leave experience with both - days packed full of baby classes, massage and swimming and afternoon naps. Lots of individual attention for each child and less juggling (it helped that DH had a long paternity leave). I was fully recovered from childbirth and back to pre-baby weight before getting pg again. I breastfed both dcs until 3.5 years so they got all the nutritional and emotional benefit from that, and I got the oxytocin and reduced cancer risk.

They play together well, it helps that they are both girly girls and into the same thing so age matters less. The eldest still loves imaginative play and has been able to enjoy younger activities for longer, and the younger one has grown up quickly and is physically big and cognitively advanced for her age, so they meet in the middle and are able to do a lot of the same things.

In future I'm sure I'll be glad that that DC1 will be done with A Levels by the time DC2 starts on GCSEs, and DC1 will be finished with uni before DC2 starts!

I had 18m between DC 1 and DC2 and then 23 months between DC2 and DC3
Great age gaps in my view.
Dc1 and 2 were in consecutive school years and then 2 school years between 2 and 3.
They were all into the same things at the same time. They were and still are a very tight unit, even tho 2 are at uni.
They are 21, 19 and 17 at the moment and it's been an amazing ride. Having 3 under 4 was tough, but really fun. Three teens was also chaotic, but in a good way.
Major downside is that they have all flown or are flying the nest in quick succession. So it's gone from mad crazy to very quiet very quickly!

I love the 2 year age gap between my two. They played beautifully with each other when younger and now they are 20 and 18 and T socialise with each other occasionally. I did go through the simultaneous A’level/Gcse period but it wasn’t that bad.

I have a 2 year gap and it's fab-they were good mates as kids and get on really well as adults. 2 at university at the same time was pretty crippling, though.

I've heard 3 year gaps are good ;)

4 years and 2 weeks between mine. My eldest wasn’t an easy baby and I wouldn’t have coped with 2 very close together.
We would have liked a 3 year gap but it took us a little while to have the second, with a miscarriage along the way.

I've got 13 months between my two and it's been amazing so far - they are best friends and do most of the same activities and clubs, and enjoy a lot of the same things. They are in consecutive school years so logistically everything is straightforward. I realise it may be intense in the teenage years, though, and university will be expensive.

I've got 14 months between my girls( Year3/4) and they are the best friends. They have their own school friends but at the end of the day they are each other's best friend and they play for hours in their own world completely lost and oblivious to everyone else around them. Today they spent three hours outside in the garden building a fairy garden/den.

I'd always assumed it would come to an end at some point perhaps as teenagers or adults but your post gives me hope that they may just always be really close.

Mine are 3 yrs apart and I think it’s a great age gap. DS was old enough to understand and help a bit - no jealousy at all. Still close enough that they are good company for each other. They won’t have public exams in the same year!

20 months between mine. The first year of 2dc was hell. Pure hell.

But now I’m past that I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I think there are advantages and disadvantages to any age gap. Pick your own adventure 😂

I have an 18 month age gap with my sister and although as children it didn’t feel like it. Really she was my best friend. Mine have 3 years and as the oldest enters the tween years it feels quite big now. They are less interested in the same things. The younger one gets upset if the older one is up later or doing more ‘grown up’ stuff but then the older one gets upset if they’re excepted to do stuff independently when younger one gets help. I

I don’t think it’s perfect but if affordable 18m-2y or maybe 5y so that the older one ‘gets it’ a bit more.

I had 15m between my first two. It was my favourite gap. Had a couple of years between 2 and 3 and 3 and 4 though. 4 children in 6 years. It was such fun!

For your circumstances I have voted 4-5 years. All age gaps have pros and cons. But I think 4year gap can be really special as the older sibling really understands and actually loves and cares for the baby too. But still small enough to relate to each enough, rather that totally different life stages always, even as adults. It’s nice if they can be at primary school for a while together.
4 year gap is a much more ‘calm’ option that gives you chance to enjoy and devote 1:1 time to each child. It just requires you to have time on your side and to not be especially keen to ‘get it over and done with’ or to have a small age gap. These don’t sound like factors for you, so might as well take the benefits of that larger gap.

My first was an easy baby which convinced me to have an 18 month gap, my second was the opposite of easy! I think 3-4 years would’ve been better in hindsight for me. That being said we have lots of lovely moments between the chaos.