Ideal age gap, in your opinion?

[idealagegaps]

We have baby DC1 and love being parents. I was wondering what MN think is a good age gap between siblings and why.

I like the idea of each DC getting a fair amount of attention when they are young and do enjoy the baby stage. I am under no illusion that the toddler stage will probably be a lot more tiring. Also mindful of future costs like uni and driving lessons not clashing. Equally, it seems like with a smaller age gap there are more shared interests and days out etc are easier. A small gap would also mean our DC and our DN are all close together in age, which might be nice for them growing up and also grandparents.

Other factors:

• Both DH and I will need to work, but I can be part time 0.6. DH works long hours
• One MC previously but conceived quite quickly each time
• We’re in our mid 20s currently
• I had hypertension in pregnancy which might recur in a future pregnancy, so I will need to be as calm as possible (but maybe also not leave it ages as it could worsen with age?) also experienced quite severe PGD.
• I will be having another caesarean
• We have a 3 bed house but DC would probably need to share a room or we’d have to move, as 3rd room is not big enough

I know it’s a personal choice but what gap would you think to be ideal if these were your circumstances?

21 months. I’d wait a bit longer if I was your age though! That was why I didn’t wait around as I’m mid thirties. Having said that, I think if my eldest got to say 3, I’m not sure I’d want to do the baby and toddler stages again.

Such a personal choice! Difficult to advise…

I have 19 months between one and two, and almost four years between two and three. I like the smaller age gap a lot more ! I wish my third had come closer together to my second, but these things come when they do.

My older two have an amazing relationship, but DC2 isn't interested at all in DC3. I hope their relationship improves as she grows older. Right now he mostly complains that she ruins their games (which she does, to be fair, but only because she wants to play with them).

I should add that dc1 is a great brother to dc3 so a bigger gap doesn't always mean a distant relationship. But logistically, a small age gap is harder in the short run, but much easier in the long run !

Our gap is less than 2 years (just) and they adore one another. If you need childcare lots of people will suggest waiting until the eldest is at school but there’s no right or wrong. My children share a room. It’s really normal, but no one admits it. I have friends with children at private school, their kids share.

Honestly though every pregnancy is different, I had ante and post natal depression with my second and I was basically off work from the moment I knew I was pregnant and suffered until I was 4 months PP. With my first it was physical, I had PGP to the point I could hardly walk. There’s not a “newborn bubble” in the same way: you’re still your older child’s mummy.

Mine are 5.5 years apart but I was aiming for 4-5 years . It’s a great age gap with no jealousy or competition ( obviously depends on child’s temperament!).
because my older one is at school I’ve been able to have all the one on one time with baby and 5-6 year olds are mostly able to help themselves to snacks , getting dressed , getting shoes on etc .

20 months here, never regretted it. But DD1 was very easy going and accepted baby from day one. DD2 kept me on my toes, but fitted in with big sis.

They are 12&13 now. Some days they are best friends, some days best enemies.

Other advantage has been only having to consider one age group when planning holidays, days out etc. They could go to ski school together, or canoeing together, or a museum together etc.

I can’t tell you the best age gap. But I have a 3.5 year gap. Bare in mind I’m a SAHM

Pros
Oldest more independent and potty trained

She understood about babies needs and taking time to breastfeed

They now have a cute bond and are starting to play a bit at almost 2 and 5 but the older one does get annoyed by the younger one when she does toddler stuff and doesn’t know exactly how to play the way she wants or knocks stuff down

I had a hard year of them together but I like how my first got 3 solid years of attention and now she’s at school I have my younger one who has my attention, it’s obviously less but we still get that time during school.

Any closer together wouldn’t have been easier imo and I don’t think I would have physically hacked it

I know that I can trust the older one to not run away etc whilst I’m keeping an eye on the 2 year old. Although this wasn’t the case when bigger one was 3 and I had a newborn. But at least now with a toddler I know the bigger one knows about being safe.

Cons
They like different stuff, different toys, different TV, different activities. Books even, my older one loves reading chapter books but my 2 year old obviously wont sit through that and I need to keep an eye on her so that’s limited to bedtime. They do like some stuff the same thankfully.

When I have them both together I have to watch toddler like a hawk and feel guilty that I can’t give my 5 year old the same sort of level of attention. I’m hoping this will
balance out more as toddler gets out of her lethal to herself phase

Overall I like this gap, my little one adores her bigger sister and they are starting to play a bit now. I can’t imagine having a baby and a 2 year old or less myself. But lots of people do and after the hard graft it seems worth it. No age gap guarantees friendship though, that depends on personalities of your children.

I love it when siblings can play for hours and hours together, my two are the same so I know how heartwarming it is.

Me and my sister were in consecutive school years (she was the year above me) too and I always felt so privileged that my older sister didn’t mind me hanging around with her and her friends, even in secondary school.

All our friends and family used to joke that me and my sister were in our own bubble and had our own little world together, and even though we are mid-40’s now people still say the same.

When we are with our friendship group (the same group we had as teenagers) they still say that although they can’t explain it, there’s just an underlying sense of a strong connection between me and my sister that they are all on out the outskirts of.

We finish each others sentences all the time, we accidentally wear similar outfits when we arrange to meet up, we’ve also been known to buy the exact same birthday cards for our parents by chance 🤣🤣

We message each other a lot during the day, she will send me images of things she knows I will find funny and vice versa. We borrow each others clothes, books, handbags, jewellery etc etc and we go to lots of events together and I’m the only person she will cry in front of.

Our relationship really makes our parents smile and like I said, they still joke about how we are in our own little world whenever we are together.

I’m extremely lucky to have her. We had many friends growing up, and met many new people through university, jobs, becoming mothers etc but she’ll always be my most ever favourite person.

I really hope your daughters stay the same ❤️

Mine have got closer as teens. They are 19 months apart and get on so well. They go to gigs together and the cinema.

Mine are 11 months apart. Neither were planned. They’re toddlers now and I also don’t recommend it😂 absolute hell tbh

We are looking at 4.5 year age gap and for us this is perfect. We couldn’t afford two in nursery anyway. Our eldest will be going to school during maternity leave which means one on one with the baby and a chance to help eldest settle into school.
Of course they’ll be into different stuff but I feel like that’s a given unless you have a gap of under 2 years. Friends who have had tiny gaps have really struggled and not enjoyed the second baby at all

I had a baby, a one year old and a two year old. I loved it and wouldn't have wanted any different. Having a big age spread looks far harder. I know most won't agree though

Two years here and it's been fine, no regrets at all. It means they are in the same settings (nursery, school etc) for longer periods which makes logistics easier, also days out and holidays, shared interests etc. Career disruption all got out of the way in a fairly short spell of time. We were warned about GCSE and A level year but it was fine, I think it would have been worse having them separate as one would have been working flat out while the other wasn't. One of mine took a gap year so no uni overlap either. Pretty well all the other families we know with DCs the same age had a two year gap too.

We started trying after 3 years . Fell pretty much straight away .