Is this love bombing?

[Gardenyear]

Or is he just a bit naive and keen?

Known him about 2 years and it's grown out of friendship.

We were actually spending an abnormal amount of time together as "friends" before we got a bit tipsy together and admitted it might be more. That was in November.

Since then he's been lovely. Reliable, interested, wants to see me. He's not showering me with gifts or anything, but he declared he was in love within a couple of weeks, hasn't felt like this in a long time and whilst he's not OTT with declarations of love on a daily basis, is very keen to see me. E.g. he'll we both have busy schedules with work and sporting commitments but he'll find time to pop in for a cuppa between meetings or sessions. He does this almost daily and is very comfortable inviting himself. He's also very good at organising things to do together at weekends, to the extent that I sometimes have about 2 hours to myself over the course of a weekend. I could easily say no, he'd accept that fine, but I find that I want it too.

On the one hand it's lovely that he wants to (he also takes it well if I say I'm too busy) and to be with a man who doesn't leave you wondering when you'll see him next, but also there's something about it that feels a bit odd.

By his own admission he hasn't had many relationships, 3 longish term ones and none for 5 years, now in his 40s.

It's one of those if it seems too good to be true ones...

When I say pop in for a cuppa, I mean tea. He's not coming expecting sex.

I don't think men can win these days. I'd say the transition is quite easy and he feels comfortable as you were friends already. I wouldn't say he's love bombing just keen which is nice. You have found a man that likes you and wants to spend time with you not just for sex...

It doesn’t sound like lovebombing to me, it sounds like he really likes and values you.
If you want more time to yourself then tell him that, his reaction will tell you if he’s toxic/a narcissist, because people like that don’t like hearing the word ‘no’.

but also there's something about it that feels a bit odd.

There's nothing ringing huge alarm bells from what you've said but do listen to your doubts, they're there to protect you.

He does this almost daily and is very comfortable inviting himself.

This needs watching carefully.

but I find that I want it too.

Is it for things you would have normally wanted without his input or are you finding yourself agreeing that you want it too?

He arranges things we'll both enjoy and I like being with him. I was perfectly happy pottering about on my own at weekends before, but these weekends are better! He also asks what I'd like to do and arranges that.

If I say no, he's disappointed but fine and kind about it. Last night I kicked him out early as I had a 6am start and he was a bit "aww do you have to" but left within about 10 min of my request, no sulking or anything.

That's not love bombing, no.

I think you need to stop reading all these terms and trying to make them fit when they don't.

You're obviously not as into him as he is you or you wouldn't be feeling that it's 'too heavy ' (which is the impression I'm getting)

You're allowed to not feel the same and you're allowed to back off. But take some responsibility and accept this may be a 'you' thing not a 'him' thing.

Then it sounds like you have found one of the good ones, don’t overthink it all.
There is nothing you are saying that would make me feel cautious, infact if anything I think I feel a little jealous!

That sounds okay to me @Gardenyear . There's no harm in being careful and keeping your eyes open but enjoy what you have with him

I don't think men can win these days.

I would much rather someone questioned something they're not comfortable with than accept it so as not to rock the boat or upset someone. It's the acceptance of the little things that can lead to so much more. It's better to question at the beginning, listen to the voices of experience and put ourselves and our safety first. I know there are good men, many of them, but there are also ones we need to be aware and wary of and downright avoid. It is never wrong to try and protect yourself.

Yes perhaps that's what feels odd. We've missed that anxious will/he won't he call stage.

I think this is just "love". You're overthinking it

It sounds like you don't have a lot of agency or control over your time or as much as you're used to having.
Do you ever make arrangements? Do you ever change or negotiate changes to his arrangements? How does he react?

Say for eg he plans something for Saturday and you say you have something on in the morning but will meet up with him in the afternoon, are his plans up for negotiation?

Does he check what you might have planned first?

And him dropping in and inviting himself, to me that feels like an expectation on you to just be there waiting for him.

Show him you have a life outside of him and see how he reacts.

It sounds suffocating to me. He’s arranging your life .

I know you said you can say ‘no’ but it would be interesting to see his reaction if you do.

He may just be an eager beaver, but it could also be seen as controlling. There’s a fine line between caring and controlling.

It sounds nice but full on and down the line you may look back and think / feel like he’s taken up all of your time and space and you’ve not had enough time alone. Once it’s well established it will be hard to go back and try and exert boundaries / get your free time back.

I’d start to be a little less available and create some boundaries about your time which is precious.

I don't think he is being controlling. He's fine when I say no, I just find I don't want to very often!

I have one fortnightly thing I've done for years with a (male) friend. New man is interested in the thing and would like to come/share my interest, but I've put my foot down and said I'm keeping that for me and my friend, and he's been absolutely fine and supportive of that.

Actually it's really helpful to chat this through because it's not like that at all.

One of our shared interests involves competing at various venues. I like to go to the same one regularly because I enjoy the community of seeing the same people each week. He likes to go and visit lots of different venues.

He makes it clear he'd like me to go with him/I'd be welcome if I wanted to, but he doesn't put any pressure on and I usually go to my preferred option. Sometimes he comes too but probably only 10% of the time and only when there some special reason to do so (eg someone's birthday).

He's also very happy if I make a suggestion of something to do or when to meet, he makes it very easy for me to say what I'd like without fear of rejection.

He just seems keen and secure enough in himself to show it rather than play games

Always trust your guts. If you say there is something odd about him then there is definitely something off about him.
The fact that he has not had many relationships is a MASSIVE red flag. Why is that? Have you probed him on that front? I think he may be hiding something about his past.
Be on the lookout for any creepy behaviours. Follow your instinct. And when in doubt, get rid of him just to be on the side.

I don't think he's hiding anything. I don't think he has a particularly high sex drive, so hasn't felt the need to have relationships for relationships sake.

He is a bit "different", possibly on the spectrum and he's very short, which probably hasn't helped him with women 🤣

Agree though, the lack of realtionships is probably one of the things making me think this feels a bit unusual.

I've met his parents and his brother and his wife, plus his friends. He's not worried about anyone inadvertently telling me his secrets

When do you get time to see friends if he takes up all of your weekends? It sounds a little like you live in each others pockets and your time is all quite emeshed which usually isn't a sign of a healthy relationship but fairly normal for teenagers and young adults. It sounds like you are in your 40s though.

Looking at your updates, this doesn't sound at all like love bombing - especially as you'd already known him as a friend for a couple of years before you started seeing each other romantically. Utlimately, he's had two years to work out that he loves you.

Honestly, this sounds pretty normal and you appear to be happy with the amount of time you spend with him - and if you're not, he doesn't get annoyed or guilt-trip you.

Make sure that you absolutely do set aside time just for yourself when you want to, and if you feel there's any emotional blackmail or possessiveness happening then that's obviously a red flag, but you've said that you enjoy spending this much time with him, so I'd say it's not really an issue.

He sounds a bit like a child a small child who won't leave their mother alone.
Follows them into the bathroom etc.
i don't like the sound of it.
But I am listening to 8 stages to homicide. Feminine. With prof Jane Monkton Smith on bbc radio 4. File on four.
You are happy pottering around on your own in your flat at weekends.
Now you barely have 2 hours to yourself.
I knew someone like that. It was suffocating. Seemed nice at first.
You'd be better with someone who has more matched contentment pottering solo.
And most of all you said something feels odd about it. About him.
Also early love declarations are mentioned by prof monckton Smith.
And in my experience and reading too. This is concerning. it is odd.
Stand back a bit.
Also he is too comfortable dropping in to your place unexpectedly.
That could be very controlling.
Even though it does doesn't seem like it at the moment. It is intrusive.
Keeping tabs. Or unable to amuse himself with without you. Over dependence. With a possibility of developing into expectation that you will become equally needy of him.
And if not? Then what?
Beware.

The fact that he has not had many relationships is a MASSIVE red flag

It's really not.

That's not love bombing, no.

I think you need to stop reading all these terms and trying to make them fit when they don't.

This. With bells on.

Same as people who use gaslighting flippantly and without knowing what it means! My friend's DH went for a few pints with his mates but told her they were going for tea (to keep her off his case as they're trying for a baby and she doesn't want him drinking) and she told me he had gaslighted her 😂