Is this love bombing?

[Gardenyear]

Or is he just a bit naive and keen?

Known him about 2 years and it's grown out of friendship.

We were actually spending an abnormal amount of time together as "friends" before we got a bit tipsy together and admitted it might be more. That was in November.

Since then he's been lovely. Reliable, interested, wants to see me. He's not showering me with gifts or anything, but he declared he was in love within a couple of weeks, hasn't felt like this in a long time and whilst he's not OTT with declarations of love on a daily basis, is very keen to see me. E.g. he'll we both have busy schedules with work and sporting commitments but he'll find time to pop in for a cuppa between meetings or sessions. He does this almost daily and is very comfortable inviting himself. He's also very good at organising things to do together at weekends, to the extent that I sometimes have about 2 hours to myself over the course of a weekend. I could easily say no, he'd accept that fine, but I find that I want it too.

On the one hand it's lovely that he wants to (he also takes it well if I say I'm too busy) and to be with a man who doesn't leave you wondering when you'll see him next, but also there's something about it that feels a bit odd.

By his own admission he hasn't had many relationships, 3 longish term ones and none for 5 years, now in his 40s.

It's one of those if it seems too good to be true ones...

I think he just likes you and is wasting no time messing about. Maybe it is just a bit too fast for you or possibly you just aren't as into the relationship as much as you thought. I would ask for some space and just go on weekly dates and build that excitement back up if it is something you still want to explore !

Definitely enmeshed, as we share a lot of friends. He's very sociable and loves being with (any) people, but I have some time I protect with seperate friends and he sees his too.

He tends to work with little blocks of time and will find a way to squeeze things in. E.g last night we were both training separately until 9pm and then he came round to watch an episode of a box set we're working through. He's happy to meet for an hour if that's all we have.

On Sunday, we trained together in the morning, went to breakfast together with friends, he went to the pub (drove so sober) to watch football with a friend ,while I visited my parents, and we went to the cinema afterwards.

When I say I only get a couple of hours to myself at a weekend, I mean alone. There are times when I'm with others. And he'd have been fine if I'd said I didn't want to go to the cinema.

He sounds like my husband. I’ve been with him 31 years. I did have to tell him in the beginning “yes i know you love me you’ve told me 60 billion times already today!” He was also a tight hugger which i had to have a words about.
My mum told me he was a keeper and she was right.

Love bombing is something else entirely and is about control. I don’t think he is controlling you he is just keen. Enjoy the attention.

It isn't love-bombing, no. It's a normal relationship with someone reliable and steady who isn't interested in playing games.

My now DH was like this too, I had to ask him for space and not to message me for a week or so at one point because I'm usually a bit of an introvert / happy pottering or just doing my thing and just got a bit overwhelmed with it all! We've only been living together 3 years now but it's been a fantastic relationship so far. It's still an area where we're different and I have to ask him for space occasionally but that works absolutely fine. I think it's lovely.

Sounds like you had a friendship before this became more. That's why he's become so comfortable so quickly.

You say you enjoy him popping in and his company on the weekends. Embrace it then!

If it ain't broke don't fix it!

My husband who is 60 ish only had two relationships prior to meeting me. Not always a red flag let alone MASSIVE.

It sounds like he genuinely really likes you . It sounds like you like being with him too ?

I don’t think you’ve mentioned your own relationship history - is there a chance that you are worrying because of things that have happened in the past ?

I would just go with it if you are enjoying yourself - if something is ‘off’ other evidence will present itself - no harm in coming back to MN for advice if it does

This is what it sounds like to me too.

Oh, my own history is one very long, and with hindsight, maybe not that great relationship, and then he died.

Probably I've just spent too long on MN 🤣

I am usually quick to jump on red flags but the only red flag I see here is that perhaps you are not being entirely honest with yourself. You say that he responds well when you say no but that you don't often WANT to say no. And yet, yo uhave concerns. So I'd say that either:

he doesn't respond as well as you THINK he does and you are feeling subtle pressure
OR (equally likely)
you have your own issues and would actually like more time to yourself but you can't articulate that because you also enjoy spending time with him.

Not in any way the same, but I love spending time with friends and doing things but I am, at heart, an introvert. Sometimes I say yes to things because I don't want to miss out and I know I'll enjoy them... then kick myself because come the end of the weekend I'm exhausted. Are you doing some version of this?

Yes, there's probably an element of that. I take the "opportunity" to spend time with him , but do miss time to myself. That is more about me than him thought

This honestly looks to me like he’s just mature enough to communicate what he wants and to make time for something/someone that is important to him.

I had this with my husband of now 22 years when we first got together. Granted we were both late twenties, but he had not had many serious relationships, whereas I had had a couple that were in hindsight more problematic than I had realised at the time.

I was expecting to have to do more reading between the lines and holding back, based on previous experiences, and the idea of a man actually just being completely into me and not afraid to say that he wanted something long term was slightly disconcerting. But we had both felt within 5 minutes of meeting that we had met “the one”, even if we didn’t mutually admit that until later, and I decided to just embrace it.

The lack of game playing, the clarity of communication, the knowledge even quite early on that I was with someone who wanted to have an adult relationship that was worth working on and overcoming communication difficulties… all of this did leave me wondering what was wrong because I wasn’t used to someone treating me that well. I’d normalised a lot of bullshit in the past, clearly, if its absence had me twitched!

As it is, we’ve been together 27 years, married for 22, and I’m glad I got over my poor expectations because I wouldn’t be without him now.

There’s no harm in letting him know that you’re used to your own company and would appreciate blocking off some time for yourself each week. But the key thing is looking at what you want for the long term: is it a long term relationship with cohabitation and full sharing of each other’s lives, or a long term relationship with a greater level of independence?

I don’t see the low number of prior relationships as a red flag. My husband’s best friend has had a very low number of relationships, but he’s a lovely bloke and quite happy with his own company. He had a break of around 10 years between relationships because he was happy to wait for someone who clicked with him on a deeper level, and he’s been with his current partner for 6 years now. I personally find it more of a green flag that he doesn’t just start relationships for the sake of it.

Ok, well that sounds fairly well-balanced actually. I thought you meant that you only had a couple of hours without him on the weekends. I don't think he's manipulating or love-bombing you at all but there is something there that is niggling away at you since you ask the question. I don't know what it is and maybe it is just that you are not getting as much alone time as you are used to. The need for alone time might come back once the initial new relationship rush calms down but then you can have a conversation about that.

It doesn't sound like love bombing (and I agree with PP about the dangers of all these terms being over-applied). Love bombing is a form of abuse aimed at manipulating you. It doesn't just mean "a bit keen".

That doesn't mean that he's not moving a bit fast for you and it's perfectly reasonable to say you'd like to take things more slowly, if you would.

It sounds like it has the makings of a great relationship. I'd just carve out more time to myself if I were you.

I think maybe another thing that feels off is that he started making long term plans very early e.g. he was talking about next Christmas this year and he wants to plan a trip for October, but maybe in his head we've been together longer than we have becuase we were spending a lot of time together "before". In fact lots of people were assuming we altered a couple long before we knew it.

But yes, maybe it's just refreshing not to have the game playing and it's just different rather than off.

It dies sound like , although you enjoy his friendship and attention, there’s a few things are bothering you .

From the original post and your latest update, what jumps out at me is is, is he moving too fast? Although he respects your boundaries, he’s already inviting himself over frequently, arranging your weekend activities, and planning future events. Although it’s flattering to have this attention, and have someone who wants to spend time with you, it’s moving at his (fast) pace, not yours. He’s controlling the narrative a bit too much possibly.

(and is he game playing, but a different game?)

Haven’t read all of the replies but he sounds really nice to me. Perhaps you’re not used to nice guys? I’ve always made the mistake of being attracted to awful men who I subconsciously try to fix rather than someone who is already nice and doesn’t need to be fixed. Perhaps he’s the second type and it’s uncomfortable for you. Forgive me if I’m speaking out of turn. I hope it works out for you.

Agree with this, He sounds lovely. It reads as though you are a bit scared of lowering your guard, getting very close to him and then it going pear shaped. Have you had that happen in the past ? Because nothing in what you’ve said sounds like live bombing or manipulation, it sounds more that you are falling in love with each other.

Thanks everyone. I am prone to over thinking and spend too much time on MN reading about all the pitfalls

I was single for 4 years and really thought I loved my single life, living the dream with a busy social life and no one to please. I thought if I ever did have another relationship it would be very light touch, fitting him in a couple of times a week and the odd weekend away!

And yet here we are, but I don't think that's been against my will. I find myself not wanting to give up the opportunity of an hour or two (or longer) with him.