Work/childcare balance- no support

[Morerollthanrock]

I was wondering how people get on managing work and children with no support?

DH works full time, I’ll be starting as a TA to fit in around everyone (nursery/school/dh-work).

Only trouble is; we have no support system, nursery can only have 3yo 3 long days a week, and the older 2 in after school club 2 days a week (full on other days). I just don’t know how I’m going to physically do nursery/school drop off pick up and get a job mon-Fri 8:30-3:30.

All my friends have good support systems, places in before/after school club, I have no mum and dad to ask (no contact due to abuse and alcoholism), DH’s have passed away.. so we have no one to ask for advice or help.

I enquired with 3 childminders and they’ve said it’s too much doing both nursery and school runs (at two separate addresses-both a drive away).

My TA course starts next month (full time, but WFH for the course) and I get a job at the end of it so silently panicking. Any advice for a knackered/skint mum, trying to get back into work and juggling the lot?

Thank you!

This is the big problem with school jobs. They are great for the holidays but not so much for the day to day grind! I’ve had to adjust my hours to two days a week because of this.

Ah it’s so hard isn’t it. We just can’t afford the wrap around care for the kids if we both work FT non term jobs unfortunately.

If I only work a couple of days a week we’ll be camping for every holiday and beans on toast twice a week, struggling to pay the mortgage etc still 😞 I just want to contribute and make sure we’re not struggling every week but physically can’t 😔

Your issue is the childcare not the missing support system. Myself and plenty of my friends don't have any family nearby and manage.

Have you looked into a p/t nanny who drops off/collects and cover for 1 hour in the afternoon? I would be careful if your working hours are really 8.30-3.30, most of the TAs in DD's school were there earlier and I saw them leaving around 4pm (DD had two after school clubs). So you actually may need more cover than you think.

Could your DH temporarily change hours? I know not every job can accomodate it but it's worth investigating.

How long is your course and is childcare sorted for that?

Your DH may need to look at a flexible working request so he can do either the drop offs/pick ups. Women always change their careers around men in this situation and IME men often have a stock response of 'that won't work with my job' when actually, many women doing the same job just make it work. Make sure he also knows he's on the hook for half the days off you'll need for last minute sickness cover for your kids.

I have a complex full time job and I'm a single parent, so I've just had to make it work. Something that helps is thinking of necessary childcare costs as non-negotiable and not breaking it down against my salary! There have definitely been points where it would've netted me more cash to drop hours/change career but overall we're better off me working. Agree with others who've said nanny for an hour or something - cost is astronomical but hopefully it's just for a short time.

No support system. We managed it by splitting pick ups and drop offs which we did by using wraparound care for school, or full nursery days for pre school. Split illness between us.

In short, your DH needs to step up, why do you need to do nursery and school?

Your child has two parents. Why hasn't DH spoken to his work about flexible hours?

Share the pick ups with your DH
I was always very firm on this.

Honestly? We picked jobs around childcare available. Now we generally have one of us start earlier while the other drops off and the one who started early picks up so the other can crack on.

Unfortunately the lack of support is an issue, I don’t just mean family/moral support in that but I know many grandparents/aunts/uncles that do the school and nursery runs so the parents can get to work.. I see that as support.

Course is 3 weeks and all sorted for childcare (negotiated with DH work).

I will talk to DH about splitting the drop offs/pick ups- unfortunately his wage has always been 3 times higher than mine ever has been (I worked in MH/LD support and he’s a higher level manager) so naturally we’ve had to work around him.

However; even if I did drop offs and he did pick ups.. I’d still either be late to work or the kids as nursery starts at 8:30/school 8:55- finish 2:30 nursery/school 3:25 and they’re a 10 minute drive/then 5 minute walk (you can’t park in and around school) from each other (school is rural).

I enquired with 3 childminders and they said they can do nursery or school, not both I’m afraid (said it’s too much).

I worked 9.30-2.30 when my dc were in primary school, I did have to sort holiday care though, expensive for under 8's but by 8 they could attend a council play scheme which was £10 a day and my then dh's employer had to lump it and he went in late, men don't get a free pass.

I had zero family help btw

Your DH may earn 3x more than you, but your job is equally as important to your employers as his to his employer. So you both have to get involved and if he was an office-based job it can absolutely be more flexible. He needs to put in a request, though, and many men don’t like doing that, but too bad. If he WFH once or twice a week that would help, along with early/late starts.

I think your real problem is being rural.

Do your school age kids have any friends with a mum you get on with? Could you approach a school mum for an informal agreement about pickups and drop offs

Your DH definitely needs to do some pick ups and drop offs, I bet he has plenty of colleagues at his level who do.

Have you got on the waiting list for the other wraparound days?

Could you use a different childminder for the nursery child to the school age children?

If you get a TA job at your kid's school, won't they let the kids in earlu when you arrive and leave after school with you? At least that was the case at my DCs primary.

@Morerollthanrock When I returned to work DH's salary was 3x mine. Still, he did more than his share of collecting when DD was ill or sorted out appointments during the day than I did.

The reason - his work is a lot more flexible than mine, I am bound by certin timings when part of my work is happening, he is not. He could leave and just worked in the evenings or when DD napped from home (long before Covid and hybrid working)

He did this because he knew that on the long run it was good for my work, my job is equally important and we are partners.

Your husband has to chip in with his own children. Earning more than you isn’t an excuse to not bother. Many, many men and woman work in high earning professions and drop their kids off or pick them up.
No one “helps” us, my DH drops the kids off 5 days a week and I collect them 5 days a week. I work earlier in order to finish earlier and he starts later in order to drop off.

I found a pre and after school club that picked up from two other schools.

Might be worth checking?

Your nursery pick up is very early though.

Separate childminders for the nursery child and the school children?

You could offer some childcare during holidays in return for dropping off/picking up

What has his salary got to do with anything? Chances are, if he's in a more senior position, it'll be far easier for him to be flexible than it will be you in a part time school role.

Can your school age children use a breakfast club at school and then your nursery age child could go to a childminders? I have done a term time school hours job but still needed to use a breakfast club and after school clubs in order to be there for the required hours.

Couldn’t the childminders keep your younger one’s with them instead of dropping them to nursery? Then it’s just the school run.

Regardless of what he earns your DH has to do his share of drop offs and pick ups
He should put in a flexible working request asap

Theres a retired childminder help in our area who does drop offs help and thats all she does

Id ask for anyone on local fb page, as they will be people who this would suit, also ask other parents if they know of anyone

Hopefully their school will do free breakfasts clubs too