Work/childcare balance- no support

[Morerollthanrock]

I was wondering how people get on managing work and children with no support?

DH works full time, I’ll be starting as a TA to fit in around everyone (nursery/school/dh-work).

Only trouble is; we have no support system, nursery can only have 3yo 3 long days a week, and the older 2 in after school club 2 days a week (full on other days). I just don’t know how I’m going to physically do nursery/school drop off pick up and get a job mon-Fri 8:30-3:30.

All my friends have good support systems, places in before/after school club, I have no mum and dad to ask (no contact due to abuse and alcoholism), DH’s have passed away.. so we have no one to ask for advice or help.

I enquired with 3 childminders and they’ve said it’s too much doing both nursery and school runs (at two separate addresses-both a drive away).

My TA course starts next month (full time, but WFH for the course) and I get a job at the end of it so silently panicking. Any advice for a knackered/skint mum, trying to get back into work and juggling the lot?

Thank you!

I became a childminder in your situation. Then when my kids were 10 and 12 I retrained. I made good money childminding by working long hours and having lots of children in the holidays. I did it because I realised when I was asking for myself how in short supply flexible childcare was!

Failing that, your DH simply needs to ask for flexible working and reduced hours. It's very shortsighted to look at his salary and weigh that up against what you'll be making, you need to consider the long term picture of what you'll earn by going back into the workplace and this period when your kids are small and need loads of childcare doesn't last long

The TAs at my DCs school do drop off and pick up as they're contracted school start time to end. But it is hard without support if you can't find childcare in the area. I WFH 3 days a week, DH shares drop offs and pick ups. Could your DH make a flexible work request, to start or leave earlier and make up the time?

We’ve never had any support from family either. We used childcare and as we have no support, I’ve always had to be very organised about booking this way in advance. It also costs a fortune.

we both have done flexible working arrangements to either reduce the lunch break and start later or condense to reduce number of days. It’s a team effort.

I appreciate that it’s not fair, especially when you see so many grandparents doing so much, but you have to work with what you have. Realistically, if you’re doing all school holidays by being a TA, your DH will need to do more of the school runs. Due to salary, it usually only makes sense to do it at your children’s school once they’re all out of nursery.

I'm a single mum since my youngest was 1. I've done a degree, now doing a masters and work full time. No family support.

You have to figure it out. Yeah, it's not easy, but if you want to work you'll have to sort it.

That’s helpful, @No33

I feel you, in a way, we’ve no support either. NC with DHs parents and mine are dead. It’s just the two of us.

I did find it difficult seeing the relationships my DC were missing out on with grandparents, and it’s undeniable that they have a somewhat easier time because they all get a day or two a week of childcare, and have babysitters for really bad periods or to go out… but it’s not something worth pausing on, because it’s not my reality, and it never will be.

The answer here might be finding a role that has less set hours, if you’ve got no way to meet the required ones. It may not be exactly what you want to do at this stage but it’s going to be a world of stress and pain if you’re constantly late or having to renegotiate hours, and you really need it to just fit together nicely. Objectively, your answers are wrap around care, different childcare, or a different job.

Get a childminder for each child? That way both kids get to nursery and school on time. Once your youngest moves up to school then you drop to one childminder.

My dh didn't always earn more than me but does now (3x) and he has always worked flexibly around me so that I can work too. He compressed his hours so we didnt need childcare for dd2 and worked around each other. He's in an industry where this is possible and I appreciate not all jobs can accommodate ( I for example can't wfh and my hours are set). This isn't just a problem for you, it's a family one and you should both sit down to work out how to make it work.

We have no family support either.

Can you work 3 days a week as a TA which will cover the nursery child, then your DH picks up the school age kids one day a week.
Lots of people don't have family support. We didn't got a long time, but it meant that dh and I had to find a way that worked for us.

Ds1 was in school while DS2 was in FT day nursery, we have 0 childcare assistance.

I'd drop ds2 at nursery at 8am, then ds2 at childminder at 8:10, get to work for 8:30. Then Dh would collect DS1 from the childminder (who did school drop off and collection) at 5 and ds2 from nursery at 5:15. We'd all arrive home for around 5:30.

it was this routine daily for 2 years until DS2 started at the school nursery with DS1 and now the childminder does both school runs for us, she is rock solid reliable and absolutely worth her weight in gold to us as there's literally no other help available to us.

Different childminders for different children?

DH is a TA. There were times when childcare cost more than he brought home.

Kids school opened 8.45-3.15. DHs was 8.45-3.30 and a 20min drive.

We managed with a primary school with wraparound care plus after school clubs. (No childminder in the village and ones from other villages pick up at schools local to them).

When we could bribe the kids, they did after school activities until 4.15. if they refused, they went to wraparound after-school club which was £30 a day for 2 of them.

We have no functional family network either.

Could you move your kids to the school you'll be working in?

Can the youngest go to a childminder instead of nursery and then childminder also do after school for the older

Again, why send the child to nursery when they could just stay with the childminder? That’s how we managed childcare (with no family / outside support). We dropped them both at childminders, CM looked after the preschooler all day and did the school run with older ones. We collected from CM at end of the day.

I am the one earning 3x my DH salary, and we split the dropoffs / pickups. He dropped down to 3 days which helped, but I did most of the drop off at 7.30am and we split pickups around 5 - 5.30 ish.

If your household manage financially on just your husband's salary, then your job is not secondary and all childcare needs to be organised and managed together in terms of drop offs, pick ups and sick days.
His job doesn't take priority.

Have you looked into Parental leave? It's unpaid but might help you with the holiday care dilemma.

For me the only way I can work is to work 9.15-2.45 WFH each day. I do drop offs and pick ups. The youngest is in the school run pre school so no additional costs outside of his 30 hours but is term time. No where local to me offers 3 year old holiday care unless already in nursery to in the private school pre school. However for him to go into a nursery and me to go back full time the eldest childs wrap around care plus extra fees from nursery would make me worse off than now. Means my career is currently as stagnant as a pond.

You have my sympathy. Trying to make it work whilst having a career and home life is so hard.

Just wanted to say thank you for the advice.

Ive been frantically making arrangements, nursery and school can do breakfast clubs and DH has agreed to do some pick ups which will alleviate some of the days.

Looks like it’s an expensive do but ultimately, money wise we probably will be slightly better off (after wraparound care costs) money wise so it’s worth it for us (me being a TA).

Atleast I know I’m in the same boat as others and you seemed to have made it work, which is promising!

So a big thank you once again!

That's great! One thing to consider is the inset and occasion days where you will be in school but the kids might be off depending on what the difference is in the holidays - in some cases you will be able to do a holiday club but in others you might find nothing available. I am a couple of hours away from family but we planned the insets well in advance if we needed help to cover them.

My husband and I have both always worked full time and we are immigrants so have never had anyone to help with anything. He used to also work away a lot so it was often just me.

We both put in for flexible working after my maternity leave and work full time in 4ish days - so I was around for everything on Fridays and he was around on Mondays. We then just had to juggle 3 days a week. I just had to use leave when he was away on a Monday so he tried really hard to avoid it.

We found a daycare that had an after school
Club on site for when my son started and have done many different versions of childcare since. School holidays were always an adventure!

It's all easier now the kids are older and we have hybrid jobs.

My husband has always made more money than I do but that's never part of the conversation. His job is more flexible typically unless he's away so he would be the first person to call if a child was unwell or something else happened if he was here. When he was away I just had to cope and have stayed at a job for years now mostly because my boss is wonderful.

Sounds like you have a plan now but just wanted to give some encouragement. I know it feels endless, but childcare is actually a temporary problem and building up your career and earning potential is so important for the future. Good luck!

DH and I don't have family around to help and we manage childcare between us and after school clubs/childcare. A lot of families at school are from overseas and don't have family to help, so it's not expected here. But quite a few families have nannies collecting from school, and most have 1 or 2 dcs, so it's less of a juggle. We have 2 dcs and if we had more, it would be more of a struggle to juggle all the clubs as theres a lot of ferrying in different directions.

Well, the dad also can take annual leave. Inset days are tricky unless the school has a holiday club which caters for inset days as well.

I see you have found a juggle, which is good.

I think if you have chosen a job where you can cover the entirety of the holidays so DH can work full days then, the quid pro quo is that he does more in term time, even if that is WFH and booking out an hour so that he can do the pick ups and hand over to you when you are back from your job.

I'm glad you've found a solution. It will be expensive, but it won't be forever.