Things that never seem to happen to other people

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Eating your own hair, particularly when out in a restaurant

Items flying out the pestle and mortar all over the kitchen when you're trying crush spices

Biting the side of your mouth or tongue ruining the rest of the meal

Trying to get into the house with your car key

When wearing a scarf, the label always seems to find its way to the front of the scarf, looks terrible

Flyaway hair when wearing jumpers or scarves (with the label showing)

What else?

Your pants falling down underneath your trousers.
Wearing your clothes inside out, or worse, putting your trousers on back to front, and deciding they are more comfortable that way, due to middle aged belly and shrinking bum.

Oh no! I was reading all these and nodding along but this one seems uniquely unlucky, BlossomWood.

Would be worse if you stood on a shit with that barefoot. 🤣

Oh god it really would! Not happened yet, but I am totally the type of person to step in dog chocolate!!

What a thought eh. I would definitely ditch the sandals for fear 😬

I will ONCE it will happens - I like them too much in the meantime!

As well as catching sleeves on door handles, I recently caught my jumper on a chair and knocked the chair over. I don't know how that happened.

Washing my face, the water drips down my arms.

Socks riding down my feet forming an uncomfortable little ridge under my sole.

Are you buying Victoria Beckham trousers?!

Drinking and just tipping it down your front instead of into your mouth. Not even touching your mouth to the cup/glass. Just full on missing your mouth. Always in front of someone too!

Catching belt loops on door handles. How? I couldn't do it on purpose if I tried!

When I first met DP he shut my hair in the sun roof mid date😂

Shoelaces constantly coming undone - obviously this is a normal thing to happen, but I never actually see other adults having to stop and do up their laces.

Hair blowing across my face so I can't see. Happened today, talking to someone, big gust, I look like Cousin Itt, and the other person is somehow completely unaffected.

This happens to me more than I care to admit.

I never ever see people with hair all across their face in the wind. Only me with the hair blindness thing. Other people's hair just stays in place, lovely long luscious hair just moving very gently, mine is buffeting around as if Ive put my fingers in a plug socket

If it helps, I am not too bad when upright. But a scarecrow comes and 'does' my hair in the night. Even worse when I had short hair, I looked like one of the Tiny Tears dolls with half the hair cut off (was that Toy Story or did I invent it?!) These days it's more like a very sad Barbie that got dropped down the back of a radiator. Every time someone wakes up looking amazing in a film there is a voice in my head that screams: "Liar, liar, pants on fire!!!!!"

Picking up poo while walking the dog and finding the end of your vibrator in it, that you had no idea said dog had eaten in the first place. Anyone else?

Falling up stairs. I once landed so heavily my thighs were both completely purple and I had a dent in my left thigh that was there for two years.

That happened because my shoe fell off, which also happens. Often.

Staple-gunned my finger. More than once.

Got green ink all over my face. Again, more than once. And only ever in the first lesson of the day in a five lesson day.

I’m a walking liability.

This happened to me today I smashed my phone.

Well today my skirt fell down off my hips - completely so that it was just around my ankles - and I was left standing in a small black jumper, my knickers and tights in the middle of an open plan office.

I work in a big corporate office in the City and have to go back again tomorrow.

A bit of bra strap forever showing unless I wear a turtleneck

Me too - toothpaste, food, and coffee fairly regularly. I look like a toddler sometimes 🤦‍♀️

Missing my mouth when eating/drinking. Thinking I’ve removed all mascara then waking in the morning clearly showing I have not. Wind blowing and my hair sticking to my lipstick.
ps @Noodge, you win! My dogs are eating their way though my books, but not any ‘devices’ yet..

I have never ever managed to successfully remove make up with 'make up remover'

I do my best and then it just wipes off over the next couple of days. I wear make up at weekends only so I spend the rest of the week with vaguely black eyes.

Wearing predominantly navy including shoes, and realising, once out in broad daylight, that I’ve put on black tights - or vice versa.

Wixing your mords up

I have twice misjudged walking past a sturdy piece of furniture, swung my foot into it instead of past it, and broken a toe bone.

Buying the one broken item in the shop.

E.g I bought a £1.99 storage box in Home Bargains, walked out the door and DH noticed part of the lid was snapped off. Turned around and pointed it our to the cashier who served me 20 seconds prior and said I'll go and grab a replacement, this one is broken and dangerous due to sharp edges.

Cashier sarcastically said "oh no, we don't do returns" (?) resulting in me having a strop with the manager.

I won't list them all but i seem to be drawn to broken things 😆.

I bought a pair of swishy summer trousers.
The first time I wore them, I ripped them.
Now I have a pair of swishy summer pyjama bottoms.