Functioning Alcoholic

[getdowwwwwn]

A friend seems to drink far too much.

She's fine during the day whilst at work but as soon as she's home she appears to drink a lot. It's quite a lot every evening without fail and then probably from lunchtime onwards at weekends, ie with lunch and then continued through into the night.

She would deny she has a problem as she holds down a good job, but I'm concerned as she has children at home.

At what stage would you class someone as a functioning alcoholic?

Is it the amount they drink or how often, or both?

Thanks!

What's 'quite a lot'? One glass of wine in the evening... probably not an issue (I used to have a daily glass and couple at weekends until I added it up and realised it was more units than I thought then I quit and now have the odd glass at the weekend at most) But if she's sinking a bottle a night or 4 gins or whatever then she has a problem. Holding down a job is irrelevant...my Dad was a functional alcoholic all his life (cut short by said alcohol)...he had a senior job, never missed a day of work, but he was an alcoholic nevertheless.

If she has young children is is drinking, what happens if one is ill, or has an accident? Would she still drive? Are the children at risk? (Obviously it's a huge issue if they are seeing her getting drunk) I would be concerned. However there isn't a lot you can do if she's in denial :(

It depends. Functioning means you have the facade of a normal life eg holding down a job and paying bills, but you're self medicating with alcohol.

Ultimately there's little you can do regarding her drinking as most alcoholics are in denial. Our culture also encourages it and it's normalised.

I would probably mind my own business.

It's not your problem. Is her child well looked after and loved? If so back off.

How do you know she drinks that frequently? Do you live with her?

This

It's not an exact science. As you are concerned about her and do you know her well enough for a gentle chat? Sadly it's very well known that alcoholics will not stop drinking until they choose to do so, so even if you do have an honest conversation with her she will probably ignore you and continue to ignore people until she reaches rock bottom.

When there are dc involved people shouldn't mind their own business.

Do they have a dp op?

If your estimation of how much she drinks is accurate, she definitely has a drinking problem. Correct me if I'm not understanding this correctly, but are you saying she drinks heavily every evening and from lunchtime to bedtime on weekends? That is grim.
The thing about a functioning alcoholic is that without intervention, they become non-functional eventually. However, she has to recognize she has a problem and want to change.

I know how much she drinks because she tells me and laughs about it.

She says she usually has AT LEAST a bottle of wine to herself each night plus a few large G&Ts or beers.

That's one hell of a lot and it will be having a real effect on her. And her parenting.

Not sure there's much you can do :/

The old belief in a binary system, whereby you're either an alcoholic or you're not has moved on now. We say 'alcohol use disorder' with the understanding that there is a spectrum.

A helpful guide is 'When your alcohol use is causing a problem for you or for someone else'.

Another clue is if someone tries to reduce their drinking by setting rules for themselves but find they don't stick to them.
Eg:
I'll only have two drinks when I go out tonight
I'll only drink Fridays and Saturdays

Good heavens. Imagine thinking that's something to brag and laugh about. How pathetic.

I hope she isn’t driving the next morning. If she is, report her to the police as she will still be over the limit.

@MuckFusk

I think that by laughing about it she's kidding herself into thinking it's no big deal and not serious!

She almost seems obsessed by alcohol and her whole life seems to revolve around it.

I am completely tee total so have no idea what how much the average person drinks per day and whether her intake is dangerously high!

You can read about alcohol units here. Guidelines are 14 units a week and a bottle of wine is approximately 10 units.

You say she's drinking a bottle of wine plus spirits a night which is over her weekly limit. I imagine she's drinking well over 100 units a week.

Alcohol is really sneaky, in that we are sold it as a lifestyle and its almost glamorous or at least socially acceptable, until its not. Even on this thread, MN is advertising 'the best prosecco'.
But its addictive and when it tips suddenly everyone gets really judgey. That's nt helpful.
There is a lot of stigma around alcoholism but there are more things coming up now for grey area drinkers which may feel a better fit for your friend than the traditional AA approach. If she is still functioning, managing her commitments, kids etc, but also needs to cut down, there are programs or things that can work.
It's whether she can cut through the marketing bullshit that booze is all fun and games really, because those messages are strong.

I have a friend who drinks about a couple bottles a night. A dozen during the week anyway. She's 'fine', in that even while drinking she behaves normally. She doesn't work but does 100% of the home care. Her kids are adults now but she did this while her sons were young.
I've tried to get her to cut down(she has occasionally said she'd like too), I don't drink during Lent so suggest every year she join me. Or not drink Monday to Thursday. I think the most she's done is two consecutive days.
She has a husband who doesn't drink much at all.
Can't do anything more really. She's had warnings from her doctor but she doesn't really want to stop.

Don’t know if you’ve heard Marian Keyes’ R4 show but there’s an episode of it where she discusses alcoholism (as a recovering alcoholic herself) and the notion of a functioning alcoholic- which she is critical of and defines as “an alcoholic who is still able to earn money”. It’s well worth listening to. https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/the-functioning-alcoholic-problem/id1603235494?i=1000684811529

of

It absolutely is dangerously high. She will develop liver disease (and other serious health problems) eventually if she keeps it up.

I have an ex who became a drunk. He behaved the exact same way.
His life revolved around drinking. He laughed about his drinking and laughed about other people drinking heavily. In his case, all his friends were also problem drinkers. He stopped seeing anyone who wasn't. He sneered at and made fun of people who don't drink, including me. Naturally, I left him.
Addicts will suck the life out of you if you don't get some distance. So I recommend you tell her you believe she has a drinking problem and that you will support her in getting sober, but that if she she chooses to keep destroying herself you can't bear to be around to see it.

I suspect it is easy for it to creep up on you. A glass of wine here or there, then one every night, then more than one. She is definitely drinking a lot more than she should.

Ime it’s the level of dependency on alcoholic.
Someone can like a drink but takes days off without craving. Can decide not to drink on a night out because they’re going to be the driver and this doesn’t cause them any discomfort.
A person with a dependency won’t be able to do these things, they’ll make excuses, or become very bad tempered. If they’ve developed a physical dependency then the physical symptoms of sweating and shaking set in.

There’s a drink aware quiz https://www.drinkaware.co.uk/tools/drinking-check#/overview

I think my friend could well be drinking a couple of bottles most nights too.

She doesn't act "particularly" drunk. Well, she's not falling all over the place. She messages me regularly at night and it can take me a while to make sense of what she's saying because it can get quite garbled.

Her partner is quite a drinker too.

They'd probably both class themselves as just sociable people as a lot of what they do revolves around good food and "good" drink.

The children aren't small, but it doesn't feel right!

As an aside, I was just wondering how to explain who she is like. She (jokingly) reminds a little of Patsy in Absolutely Fabulous (Joanna Lumley's character).

She's 'functioning' only in a sphere where others can see her working.

Behind closed doors at home, she is not functioning at all, and her unfortunate children are not being parented responsibly in the evenings or at weekends.

Obviously she's in denial.

Is there any responsible adult in the home to care for the children when she's incapacitated?

You should contact the children's school/s.