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Original poster

DH spending a day/night a week away for work - young children

38 replies

ginoa · 08/03/2025 08:07

DH has just had a great job opportunity come up - something much better suited to his interests than his current role. The only obvious downside is that it would involve one day a week in an office quite far from us (about 2h in no traffic; 3h or so in rush hour). Realistically he would probably need to travel up the night before and drive back the night afterwards, to save spending the best part of the day sitting in traffic.

We have a toddler and I've recently found out I'm pregnant. Toddler is at nursery four days a week and we were planning for that to continue if we had a second.

Can someone help me snap out of feeling a bit apprehensive at the idea of having a day/night a week where it's on me? I currently work quite long hours around toddler's day but it works with us splitting drop offs and pick ups. I'd also be the default for sickness pick up whatever's going on at work/even if I'm in London. Then when baby's here I will have had a c-section so a bit less mobile for a while. Plus I still remember that feeling when your DH walks through the door and you're itching to pass them the baby who won't be put down, so you can wee/move!

I definitely think he should still go for it but think I need a bit of a pep talk/some practical tips on managing the home side of things! Thank you for any wisdom!

OP posts:
CharSiu · 08/03/2025 08:45

It’s one day a week, that sort of commute one day though not ideal once a week is ok. I have a friend who commuted like that for a decade every day. Post covid she still goes in 2 days a week.

SoundedCat · 08/03/2025 08:45

My DHs job meant that he didn't see DD from Monday morning to Thursday evening until she was around 6. He still came home every night, just after she went to bed and he left home the next morning when she was still asleep. He used to write little notes to her on those mornings and drew her pictures. She still has them! It was tiring, but you just get on with it and you get used to it. It would be more tiring if you were a single mum.

Can your DH adjust his hours so that he isn't driving in rush hour, so he's able to get home. Early start, early finish?
Or early start, late finish with an agreement for time of in lieu

Is moving house an option?
How long does he image he'll stay in this role?
After maternity leave is done, would you prefer to go back part time?

In practical terms, cook more the day before, so you just need to reheat leftovers for tea when he's not there. Flip the script and make that night a special night, create a different routine for just you and the kids. Make a tradition of having a weekly film night, or disco dance in the sitting room, or go out to a restaurant that has a soft play. Have lower expectations of getting chores done.

MightyBust · 08/03/2025 08:55

Are you sure he needs to stay over? It seems like it should be do-able once per week without that.

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NotMyDayJob · 08/03/2025 08:58

It’s not impossible, my DH travels regularly and has done since my oldest was 6 weeks old. He is often away either a very long day or overnight once a week several weeks in a row.

But does he really need to stay over? I know sitting in traffic is not fun but lots of people have long commutes and it’s only once a week

BeaAndBen · 08/03/2025 09:03

It will be fine, honestly. It feels intimidating before it happens but you drop into a rhythm really quickly.

DP used to leave 6am Tuesday and get home 9pm Thursday, so that was me on my own for three days with three children every week - from the youngest being 2 months. I was scared stiff that I wouldn’t cope.

I sorted out supermarket deliveries so no need to drag them to the shops. Wednesday and Thursday in particular were always very low effort meals. We went to two toddler groups so they could burn off energy and be sociable while I held the baby and drank tea.

Within 3 months you’ll wonder why you were concerned.

Good luck with your birth and new baby!

Alalalala · 08/03/2025 09:04

He won’t need to stay over. He can do those drives for one day a week. Tough but doable.

HenDoNot · 08/03/2025 09:08

Who is suggesting that he needs a night away?

If he leaves the house at 6am he’ll be there for 8am. Worst case scenario he’s home for about 8pm. It’s one day a week. My DH does this frequently.

Sassybooklover · 08/03/2025 09:08

My husband used to have to stay away overnight (Belfast) so coming home wasn't an option (we're in Dorset), when my son was a toddler. In the beginning I was nervous being on my own, and wouldn't sleep well but eventually I adapted. My husband used to travel to London from Dorset too, and he travelled there and back in the same day. He has travelled to Manchester and back in the same day too (although not often!). I don't really see why your husband couldn't travel 2 hours (3 at a push) to and from work, once a week. Leave early in the morning, and see if he can leave at a reasonable time. If it's a job he's been offered, negotiate with the new employer! They might have core hours he needs to be in work. However, my husband can be in work at 7 am and leave at 4 pm.

Comedycook · 08/03/2025 09:10

I'd be fine with this if I was a sahm...but if I was working too, I'd be more concerned.

DustyLee123 · 08/03/2025 09:12

My DH worked away all week for years, you get used to it and adapt.
And I can see him driving down the night before, but surely he can come home after he’s worked. Plenty of people do that kind of commute.

TickingAlongNicely · 08/03/2025 09:20

Its one of those things which seems daunting in theory but you quickly adapt. Just like adapting from 1 to 3 children!

Try to have his "away" day as the non nursery day (not sure if that's your day off or alternative childcare) so you don't need to worry about puck ups, sickness etc

Changeissmall · 08/03/2025 09:24

How will the overnight stay be funded? If he’s getting a hotel it would be worth considering how that money might be better spent on additional paid help in the house. A cleaner maybe.

popandchoc · 08/03/2025 09:26

It’s one day a week so I’m sure it would be fine . I’m a single parent though so do it all myself most the time !

Middleagedstriker · 08/03/2025 09:29

Is it somewhere he can get the train to? He could then get some work done on the train. Or sleep or listen to audiobooks.

Girasoli · 08/03/2025 09:32

I think it would be quite a tiring drive but doable once a week. Maybe when the DC are older he can stay overnight?

DH does this once or twice a month and it's quite nice, me and the kids have snack foods and movie night then all go to sleep in the big bed (They are 5 and 8). He doesn't stay in a hotel though, he sleeps over at his parents and also quickly helps with any admin/errands.

pudha · 08/03/2025 09:36

Military wife here. DH has gone away for months at a time, we've done stints of him working away M-F. I'm not recommending that 😂 but one day a week will be fine! You'll just crack on with it.

Although I agree with others it might not really require a hotel stay, I'd rather save the money tbh.

Fluffycloudsfloatinginthesky · 08/03/2025 09:38

Where I work people do a 2 hours commute each way 2 sometimes 3 days a week. You just get used to it.

Leave early (6am latest) and if possible leave by 4 coming home.

Codlingmoths · 08/03/2025 09:40

I would expect this when baby is tiny tbh. My dh drives over an hour to work, and leaves work quite early to do the pickup since I work too. Yes it’s less time, but it’s every day, and your dh doesn’t have to be back and collected children from both school and nursery by 6pm.

its a slippery slope op- I’d ask can he not stay over for the first 6 weeks after your c section, and if children or you are sick ? Did I read correctly that you think this will make you the default parent, or did you mean just the days he’s not there? Talk about this with him. Are you really prepared for supporting him in this job to mean your career flatlines? I wouldn’t be. I’d say I’ll support him, if he doesn’t stay over the first 6 weeks and when his family need him, and he makes very sure you aren’t the default parent all the other days too. Kids home sick are shared with us, to mitigate the impact on both our jobs, even though I wfh regularly and dh can’t the same way.

HAF1119 · 08/03/2025 09:44

You'd be alright :) husband in office on toddlers nursery day, plan together to have the meal prepped ready for that evening, baby in arms when you do toddlers bed time if needed (or they may be sleeping), bath skipped that day if it's hassle, take each stage as it comes and try to just adapt as you go.

Weirdly when one person does 2 children sometimes they find/create a real solid routine that works and helps with all the other days when there's 2 of you

Shintoland · 08/03/2025 09:49

I think you just get your head into that space and crack on. Build your own routine of what works on those nights. It can look different to other nights - maybe skip baths etc, eat something easy. I used to buy ready meals and feed the kids pasta/toast when DH was away.

Also traffic tends to be pretty light at 6am!

Newborn stage inc C section is a slightly separate case. You need something robust around that if possible. He could perhaps ask for some accommodation round that time, or you could call in help from family, or could he delay starting the job until after that period? Or do more time away before the baby is born and then WFH more for those first couple of months.

Strangeonthenet · 08/03/2025 09:52

I don't think it's that bad tbh. Surely he'll travel there after dinner and bedtime etc? And then it's just one day a week where he's back late.

Needspaceforlego · 08/03/2025 09:57

Op it will be fine because presumably he'll be in the house during the day have dinner. Help you get kids down and presumably leave about 8pm get to hotel for 10pm. And I'd assume he'll leave the office at around 6pm home for 8pm.

So really it's only one night when you are on your own trying to get kids down.

WhoWhereWhatWhy · 08/03/2025 10:16

I think if it’s a good professional move for him and for you as a family, it is well worth accepting it. DH has a job where it isn’t a certainty when he leaves in the morning what time he will be home that night. He leaves at 7:20am and is often only home when we’re all asleep. He is rarely home before 8ish.

And that’s pretty much every day, and has been for the best part of two decades since we had DC. There isn’t much of a difference, in practical terms, whether he is there during sleeping hours or not.

I’m not saying it’s ideal. But being on my own with the DC for most evenings since they’ve been born is normal for us and many other families I know. The trade off is more disposable income, a nicer home, better opportunities and earlier retirement.

bookish83 · 08/03/2025 10:17

HenDoNot · 08/03/2025 09:08

Who is suggesting that he needs a night away?

If he leaves the house at 6am he’ll be there for 8am. Worst case scenario he’s home for about 8pm. It’s one day a week. My DH does this frequently.

Same

whatsappdoc · 09/03/2025 11:59

I'm assuming the day in the office is a Friday because otherwise how would he be able to travel back the next morning? Say goodbye to Saturday morning if so. He's having a laugh if he can't get back in the evening. You need him at home, long commute for one day a week is doable, let him off childcare duties that evening as a reward😜