DH spending a day/night a week away for work - young children

[ginoa]

DH has just had a great job opportunity come up - something much better suited to his interests than his current role. The only obvious downside is that it would involve one day a week in an office quite far from us (about 2h in no traffic; 3h or so in rush hour). Realistically he would probably need to travel up the night before and drive back the night afterwards, to save spending the best part of the day sitting in traffic.

We have a toddler and I've recently found out I'm pregnant. Toddler is at nursery four days a week and we were planning for that to continue if we had a second.

Can someone help me snap out of feeling a bit apprehensive at the idea of having a day/night a week where it's on me? I currently work quite long hours around toddler's day but it works with us splitting drop offs and pick ups. I'd also be the default for sickness pick up whatever's going on at work/even if I'm in London. Then when baby's here I will have had a c-section so a bit less mobile for a while. Plus I still remember that feeling when your DH walks through the door and you're itching to pass them the baby who won't be put down, so you can wee/move!

I definitely think he should still go for it but think I need a bit of a pep talk/some practical tips on managing the home side of things! Thank you for any wisdom!

I think you would adjust to it quite quickly. Once a week isn't too much, the only issue would be making sure DH is contactable close to birth (and maybe for a few weeks around your due date he should travel rather than stay to reduce the time hours away, especially if you labour quickly so the c section would need doing without much notice).
For the c section again I think doing the travelling on the day for the first month or so would be better whilst you're recovering.

My DH works from home Monday then is away Tuesday morning until Wednesday night, we have a 20 month old and a four year old.

I won’t lie, it is really hard because he’s often (not always) away for Thursday too and I feel like 95% of the parenting and house stuff falls on me but I’m trying to work as well. I think that’s the tricky thing really, it isn’t the logistics but the attitudes that start to become immersed if that makes sense.

That said in just two years things will be a lot easier!

For one day a week, I'd expect him to come home. Otherwise, I wouldn't want him to be accepting the job offer.

You can do it. I remember feeling almost invincible, that I could cope with anything on my own with the kids, because DH wasn’t available. Make the day/night he’s away the day you don’t work to remove that pressure.

I used to commute 4 hours a day, five days a week when I first graduated. He can EASILY do that commute for a day a week! Some people do commutes like that full time for 10 years.

I would say absolutely no to staying overnight once a week. But just because every couple I knew who ended up doing that, the partner (man or woman) who stayed overnight somewhere else had an affair and long term, all the couples split up. I think you end up living separate lives to some extent if you have a setup like that

I think with some flexibility in the early days of new baby it’s doable and has he checked that he’d be eligible for pat leave if he joins when you’re x number of weeks pregnant?
also what is the Pat leave entitlement? If he doesn’t want to disclose your pregnancy yet he can just ask for the full details of the benefits package.

bug in terms of managing the travel, I’d suggest that he goes up the night before but after dinner and toddler bedtime, so 7pm or 8pm, traffic will be easier and he is still there to do his bit.

then he gets in the office the next day at 7am or 8am and leaves at 3pm to beat the traffic and home for usual dinner etc.

I would add that if it were me in your position, I'd propose he do the commute one day a week and the money that would've gone towards a hotel stay/accomodation will go towards extra help for you having a long day with no help from him for morning/evening childcare. So maybe pay for a cleaner or extra childcare hours.

I think all of that would be quite doable as a family.

He should download podcasts/audio books etc for the long journey. You can actually start to enjoy it if you do this. If it's a train journey you can download TV episodes/films too.

It's really common in some sectors and of course frequent business trips or longer term deployment isn't unusual. As to whether you can make it work as a family that's very personal but if it means that the family overall can have a good quality of life then often it's a case of needs must.

If my dc stays in their current employment it is quite likely I'll have to step up and have future grandchildren to stay for months! They would choose to be domiciled close to me for schooling once dc gets close to school age obviously, both military.

Can you move closer to work as that's a lot of time lost commuting?

Thank you all so much. That's been just the pep talk I needed. Really reassuring to know that this is fairly common. Hats off to those who do it more regularly!

DH and I have had a chat and I've made it clear I think he should definitely go for it but just want us to be realistic about the practicalities upfront so we can go at them with a clear head. He said he'd be willing to see what it's like without a hotel stay if it makes things easier.

Thanks for all the practical suggestions. Agreed that if there's any choice over his office day it makes sense to make it our toddler's non-nursery and my non-working day before I go on mat leave. Then as a PP said, no issues with drop offs, pick-ups, sickness etc.

Then if/when baby is here I think we will just have to play it by ear for a while and see how the new routine falls into place all round. Unfortunately he wouldn't qualify for any statutory pat leave (not even unpaid) as I'm already pregnant and the father needs to have worked for his employer for 41 weeks before the due date. I think that's bonkers - I'm reading past threads about dads in new jobs having to beg for annual leave or an unpaid day off for just the day of the birth(!) But I think all we can do is mention it to the recruiter and see how/when they think he should broach it.

I agree it’s not that bad. Lots of week nights my husband doesn’t get back til 10pm so I have put a toddler and newborn (and now preschooler and toddler and am pregnant) to bed by myself possibly dozens if not into the hundreds of times

I'm 99% sure all the organisations I have worked for previously would suck up pat leave whether the father was legally entitled to it or not, so if they won't give you unpaid leave at an absolute minimum, then I would seriously consider whether they will be a good organisation to work for.

I'd agree, his paternity leave is something he should be discussing NOW before he accepts the job.

If they don't agree to it I wouldn't accept the job. With a very young family to consider you're likely to need some random days and flexibility over the next few years.