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Original poster

I’m massively struggling following best friends death and I don’t know what to do

35 replies

Senparentingwoes · 06/03/2025 21:03

Best friend of 16 years (since we were kids) passed from cancer 2 weeks ago. She has been battling it for just over 2 years, but went down hill rapidly over the course of a few weeks so it did come as a massive shock. Funeral isn’t for another 2 weeks and I am giving eulogy so I feel like I’m stuck in this horrible black cloud and can’t see a way out.

Have two disabled DC who have been utterly horrific the last 4 days with no family support. Dh has been quite frankly, useless, and I’m not able to talk to him because he has a fear of death and it makes him anxious. Been back at work for a week (NHS) and am really struggling being in a hospital environment too. That combined with 12.5 hour shifts and terrible insomnia, I feel so shattered. Have had two cold sores back to back and look like complete shit, have aged about 10 years 😔

I miss her so much. I have very few friends, she was the only person I really spoke to everyday other than my dc or husband. I feel completely lost without her and am really struggling to see the point in life, what is the point really? I feel like I have a hole in my stomach. Having a terrible IBS flair as well to top it all off.

is this a normal part of the process? Will I ever feel normal again?

OP posts:
nahthatsnotforme · 06/03/2025 21:08

OP I'm so sorry.

Sadly yes this is the reality of grief. It's awful, just awful.

The only advice I can give it to stay in the present. Just get through each hour, each day, and try not to let your mind wander off too much to the past, or the future for now.

It's a cliche but time really does help. The hard thing is getting through that time.

Again, I'm so sorry.

SauvignonBlonk · 06/03/2025 21:09

Oh bless you OP that is incredibly tough.
In my experience it’s completely normal after losing someone, especially such a close friend.
You will in time find a new normal. 💐

mdinbc · 06/03/2025 21:09

OP, I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm also sorry your DH isn't being more supportive. He says he has a fear of death, but explain you are struggling with being happy in your life at this current time, and you need a shoulder to lean on. My DH just lost his brother to cancer, and I can't imagine not wanting to support him in whatever way I can. Sending love...

Since you work for NHS, your HR should have some counseling available to you, please take advantage of it.

TrufflePopcorn · 06/03/2025 21:10

So sorry for your loss OP.

BellissimoGecko · 06/03/2025 21:11

I'm so very sorry for your loss. Be kind to yourself.

I'm afraid this is normal, but over time, things will change. They will get better.

But I think you'd be feeling better now if your h wasn't such a wet blanket and you could talk to him. Could he take over more childcare, give you some space and time to grieve?

FondantFancyFan · 06/03/2025 21:12

I am so sorry, I didn't want to read and run. Sending you lots of hugs. Take care of yourself, it's still very new and raw so you're going to feel all sorts of emotions at the moment.

Contact Cruse, the bereavement support specialists, and arrange some proper grief counselling. Can you take some time off soon?
https://www.cruse.org.uk/

If your husband isn't emotionally supportive then task him with the practical support of the children. You check yourself out of doing household chores & leave it to him to deal with it.

It'll take time to heal, you won't get over it but you'll find a way to manage your grief. At the moment, it is still very new so allow yourself time to grieve properly.

Cruse Bereavement Support

Grief can be overwhelming - you don't have to deal with it alone. Cruse Bereavement Support is here. Call our helpline or chat online.

https://www.cruse.org.uk

ipredictariot5 · 06/03/2025 21:12

Take some sick leave. It’s such early days and we have good sick pay usually. Your whole body and mind will be exhausted

SpringIsSpringing25 · 06/03/2025 21:13

Oh love, I'm so so sorry, i'm obviously a lot older than you, we have been best friends 42 years and I can't imagine my life without her.

My mum lost her best friend when she was in her 30s and her best friend 42. It definitely changed her life. (and ours as her her DH and 2 kids were is close family to us. Her DH and the kids came to live with us for awhile. And we all mourned her loss. I was a teenager at the time and I'm 55 now so it was a long time ago, but I still miss her very much and for my mumeven more.

I'm sorry, I can't say much to make you feel better because it is such a dreadful loss, but I just want you to know you are not alone it's some of my understand only too well what you're going through

You do learn to live alongside it as time goes on, for now just cry as much as you need to be as kind to yourself as you can 🥰

JeanPaulGagtier · 06/03/2025 21:14

I lost my best friend recently too, so sorry for your loss. I hope the eulogy goes well and you can celebrate their life. I think you need to take day by day steps to having some time out for you to process. I also got very run down and became deficient in B12 and D vit, so if you are getting ulcers it might be worth booking in a blood test? It's so easy to stop looking after yourself and manage to eat food, let alone good food, when grieving. Maybe ask your partner to keep an eye on you for a couple of months to make sure you get time out and mulit-vits/walks/time with music or whatever you need to begin to process and deal. Good luck with it all, just remember baby steps.

EstherGreenwood19 · 06/03/2025 21:14

it is a terrible time. I lost my best friend. Be very kind to yourself. Get some therapy if you can. It takes time but it does ease. Someone will drop into your life not to take her place but to ease your way to another friendship. This will feel impossible right now but you are only minutes away from when it happened and you still have the eulogy to give. I did that too. I wish you so much love and happiness (you’ll feel it again, but you have to go through this terrible time first.) x

TheEllisGreyMethod · 06/03/2025 21:15

Sorry for your loss.
I remember feeling very alone when my very good friend died, and that was all encompassing. I also tried to crack on with noone to support a d ended up quite unwell for a while.
For me, it's almost been 3 years, I still think of her often, the pain is still there and still unbearable sometimes, and I think it always will be. But also I can think happily on our good memories, and I am able to enjoy life again.
It's a horrific thing to go through, I'm sorry you're experiencing it to. Please teach out on here.
Would you like to tell us about her?

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 06/03/2025 21:18

Oh that sounds tough. Try and take it one day at a time. I'd recommend listening to griefcast. It's comedians talking about grief and honestly it's like therapy but more fun.

Also try and do the usual good health stuff like getting exercise, eating fruit and veg, sleep. You say dh is useless - is that because he doesn't grasp how you're feeling? Doesn't give emotional support? How is he with practical stuff? Could he take the kids out for the day so you could sleep?

Tooty78 · 06/03/2025 21:20

So sorry for your loss My best friend died last summer from endometrial cancer, she had a grim death and it was awful to see her suffering.
We have been friends for 60 years and I feel her loss every day and still can't believe she has gone.

It does get better with time and now I think of her as that glorious 17 year old dancing on her birthday, or the utter joy on her face when she told me she was pregnant.

I meet up with our other school friends once a month, and we always raise a glass to her, but seeing that empty place where she should be, hits hard.

Give yourself time, your loss is so very recent and it's right that you grieve.

Glitchymn1 · 06/03/2025 21:25

I’m sorry for your loss. It’s a huge piece of your life, it’s gone forever and it hurts like hell and takes time to overcome. You’ll never forget or replace them. Think of her the way she was, when you were both happy.

Is it possible to take some time off work? I’m guessing it might not be. I find it better to keep busy, but you’ve got a full plate at home too.
Can your DH at least take the children for awhile whether you go out, have a bath, go to bed, watch a film- cry and bawl if you need to. Just let it out, sometimes having it to keep it in is worse.

Are you able to eat, try to keep something down as you’ll feel so much worse if you can’t, sip water. Try to sleep.

Pairymoppins · 06/03/2025 21:29

I am so sorry, what a sad time for you. I get cold sores too when I’m very run down or burnt out. Definitely take some time off work, take a few walks in the sunshine, lie on the sofa and watch a film. You don’t have to always push through.

ThreeMagicNumber · 06/03/2025 21:30

ipredictariot5 · 06/03/2025 21:12

Take some sick leave. It’s such early days and we have good sick pay usually. Your whole body and mind will be exhausted

Agree with this. So sorry for your loss.

Bubbles1001 · 06/03/2025 21:31

I heard a lovely saying that I think about when I'm missing loved ones and it's that "Grief is Love with nowhere to go" and the reason we grieve so hard is because we loved so dearly. I'm so sorry for your loss OP. I'm afraid you'll likely carry that grief around with you forever but it will change. It won't always feel so heavy & consuming. I lost a beautiful friend when we were 18 - over 20 years ago - and I still think about him with a broken heart. Sending love OP.

Abra1t · 06/03/2025 21:33

I lost a very close friend about seven years ago and remember very clearly how wrecked I felt. I went on to lose my father and mother, but the friend’s death hurt in a way that felt outright unfair and cruel.

I’m sorry.

honeyfox · 06/03/2025 21:34

I'm so very sorry OP xx

Dolphinnoises · 06/03/2025 21:37

You poor love. I’d really consider some bereavement counselling, as your friend was the person who would normally support you through a shit time (your husband sounds like he wouldn’t be your go-to person) and you’re navigating all this without that support. If your DH cannot talk about this can he do anything practical to take the strain? Take the kids out so you have some time to yourself for example?

Lavalights · 06/03/2025 21:39

I lost my best friend 8 weeks ago now. I’d known them my entire life (we are 35 now), and like you they were the only person I spoke to every day other than dh/dc. It’s been really hard and I don’t know if I can offer much help other than say I know what you mean about feeling lost now. Do take some sick leave if you can. Don’t be afraid to speak to your GP either if you are really struggling. Mine have been very understanding and I’m trying anti depressants just to help me get through this early part. Most of the time I live in denial though, as it feels too big to be real.

MerryMeet · 06/03/2025 21:41

So sorry for your loss, OP. I am a cancer survivor (so far, touch wood) and I have been to too many funerals for people I was good friends with. Please take some time off work if you can, you sound exhausted.

Whateverwhateverever · 06/03/2025 21:41

Oh OP I am so sorry.Close friends are so precious .My dear friends are my sanity at times . Sending you my deepest condolences,💐 X

financialcareerstuff · 06/03/2025 21:44

I'm so sorry for what you are going through and that you don't have the supportive people around you that you deserve.

It is totally natural that you feel utterly miserable and overwhelmed and that your body is also expressing and experiencing that.

Your best friend sounds lovely and I am so sorry that you have lost her. Flowers

iamnotalemon · 06/03/2025 21:47

I'm really sorry to hear about your loss x

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