Child speaking disrespectfully

[purpleme12]

Child is 11
How do you deal with a child speaking rudely to you? Speaking disrespectfully? In a horrible tone of voice?
Often it's not what she says, it's how she says it.

Consequences don't work

Surely we must be able to get to the stage one day where she can control herself to not speak disrespectfully?

To answer some questions that might come up perhaps she does have ADHD. But I haven't been able to fit her into the questions you have to answer on the questionnaire to get referred.
She's fine at school.
For me, this is the worst part, the disrespect.

If anyone has had this what has worked?

I ignore - literally cannot hear sentences unless they’re said to me in a civil way. I’ve sent dc away to think about how she wants to speak to me and she can come back and try again. I do not rise to it at all, but speak to me like shit and I’ll not acknowledge you even.

This approach has worked for us and dc very rarely speak to me in a rude manner.

I think a lot of the time the disrespect is just said to something that doesn't need a response anyway that's the thing.

We had this with DD. Every time she said something to me in a disrespectful tone, I would say, very calmly, "Now say that again, paying particular attention to your tone." Sometimes, she had to repeat it a second time. She didn't like it because it delayed things eg 'Can you pick me up from x's house?' wouldn't receive a quick answer. I explained that tone really matters because if you offend someone, it can wreck your relationship with them and if they really don't like it, you may end up with a slap across the face. This lipiness starts when they go to secondary school and It's really unpleasant.

@TeenLifeMum I think this is exactly the way to approach it. Nobody likes to be not acknowledged so I'd imagine it works more often than not

I don't believe in ignoring at this age-that's for toddlers experimenting. She's 11, she knows what she's doing.

I used to say "Try again" and not respond until they got it right.

I think I do do this

It's just we haven't got to the stage where it's stopped

I think that she is very impulsive and she finds it hard and doesn't mean for things to come out a certain way. But we must be able to not have this surely.

And half the time it's in response to something I've said but not something that needs a response from me either. So ignoring isn't going to work then

I don't do favours for people who are rude to me.
That's what I've started teaching my 10 year old when he's been trying that.

He was being rude to me all Saturday. Same way yours was.
On Sunday he'd arranged to se his friends.
He needed me to take him.

I said absolutely not.
He'd been rude, disrespectful and that had hurt me.
I don't do favours for people that treat me badly.

No lifts, no money. Nothing.

How long do you put the consequences in place?

Of course the problem here is that the consequences don't work. It doesn't stop this problem next time

Forever.
I don't do favours for rude people.
So if he wants something he needs to show continued respect and good manners.

If it gets worse the consequences get worse.
Devices go next.

The consequences I've stopped her from playing with her mate who lives pretty much next door (which I know bothers her and is absolutely the thing that affects her most) and took her laptop off her which she uses for music to go to sleep with and took her phone off her (she's not a huge phone user though) one week when it was really bad

Gradually I gave her back the things (because she was speaking nicer)

But long term.... It doesn't stop it happening again...

I think you need to keep picking her up on it, and be explicit that the tone isn't OK. Explain that the way she said it made you feel belittled/attacked.

I think they are genuinely still learning at this point. Have you noticed that tweens are also sometimes pretty awful to each other- not only parents - and they are actually very forgiving of each other? It's because none of them have fully figured it out yet.

It's our fun job is to teach them the subtleties over the next few years!

Realistically it won't.
It is developmentally normal.
Don't tell the children that obviously but we have to expect some age appropriate drama.

I hate to think back to how I was.

As others have said just calmly say you need to try again that tone was disrespectful or rude or please ask again in a way that is respectful and just don’t engage until she does. Or encourage her does she want a few minutes and then you can continue the discussion in a way that is not disrespectful. Doesn’t have to be all out consequences unnecessarily but modelling the appropriate tone and behaviour. And pick her up on it consistently don’t let rudeness go unchecked. But you show her the same respect in your tone and how you approach her as well. She will soon learn the message, you are not ignoring which can just make the situation worse but are setting a clear expectation and boundary…

He is a child who has no other means of money/transport presumably, that is just using your power over them because you can as the adult 🤷‍♀️

Unfortunately it's unrealistic to think that telling her once (or a few times) and giving consequences will change her behaviour. It's like how you have to keep telling them to say please and thank you when they're little. You have to keep doing it over and over again and eventually it will sink in!

Why do consequences not work? What are you setting as a consequence?

Just saw your other post. It won’t stop it from happening immediately but you have to remain consistent. Every time she is disrespectful to you there is a clear and calm consequence that you stick to. I would avoid week long sanctions as they lose impact and you’re more likely to cave too, keep them short and achievable. They do work. She needs to know you’re not putting up with it and that she has to come up with her own coping mechanisms if she’s feeling frustrated or angry.

If they're being stroppy, it's also worth talking through what they're feeling (at a non-conflict time!). If you ever get PMT, you know how hormones can make you feel ragey. I think teenage hormones are the same.

This might well feel pretty new to them, and they don't understand why they feel so irritable all the time, or have any practice at not taking it out on others, or even any strategies (like going off to their room if they need to calm down).

I don't mean you should excuse bad behaviour - just that it's worth helping them understand themselves better, and at the same time reinforcing the boundary that even if they feel irritable it's not OK to take it out on other people.

Has she started her periods, OP? I wondered whether she was worse at certain times of the month.

Exactly.
Welcome to the real world.
Why would I teach a child. A boy, who will become a man one day. That you can treat people like shit and they'll still run around for you?

I'm not rewarding shitty behavior.
I'm not handing money or my time to someone who can't even show the basics of respect when I know he's been raised better.

I'm not asking him to climb Everest.
It's the very simple basics of human decency and then I'm more than happy to help.

For me I would just get her to repeat it again but this time think about her tone. You could say that you hope she doesn't mean to come across as rude as she could be rude to her friends who won't stay her friends if she keeps doing it so best to get out of the habit now. We simply said, try that again.

We always used the table talk, everyone in the family sat at the table and we laid out expectations, so for her the expectation is she speaks to you politely because you wouldn't put up with it from friends, work colleagues or your husband/partner so no one is modelling this behaviour for her and you won't put up with it from her.

She clearly knows she cannot talk to a teacher that way otherwise she would be in trouble. You don't need to threaten anything, simply ask her what would happen in school if she spoke to a teacher or the head teacher that way? She knows there are consequences in school; the implication is there will be consequences at home too.

They absolutely know and often want to prompt some drama like a tv show. Teens love drama, don’t feed it.

The other people I'm close with all have better behaved children

was just going to say this, it's part of development; going from thinking your parents are the best thing in the world to thinking they are embarrassing dimwits. Is is not so they want to leave home at some point and don't stay at home with your parents for ever?

Having said that, that's not to say carte blanche to be constantly rude.