Child speaking disrespectfully

[purpleme12]

Child is 11
How do you deal with a child speaking rudely to you? Speaking disrespectfully? In a horrible tone of voice?
Often it's not what she says, it's how she says it.

Consequences don't work

Surely we must be able to get to the stage one day where she can control herself to not speak disrespectfully?

To answer some questions that might come up perhaps she does have ADHD. But I haven't been able to fit her into the questions you have to answer on the questionnaire to get referred.
She's fine at school.
For me, this is the worst part, the disrespect.

If anyone has had this what has worked?

If it's part of development how long should we expect stuff like this to go on? Out of interest

From what I've seen here and from talking to other parents.

We get them back early 20s.

It's so draining

It is.
Some days I've had to really dig deep and look for the good in my child. To fight to remember that I like him.

It’s the one thing i was really strict on as I can’t stand disrespectful kids. I pulled them up on it every single time, and consequences. I also modelled behaviour I wanted to see, calm household, no raised voices. This started when they were very young, so by the time we got to the teens years it was ingrained in them. That said, both quite laid back kids, so sure that helps.

Yes not sure she could be described as laid back 🤣

Don’t put up with rudeness. If your child can be pleasant to friends or other people they can control how they speak to you.

To answer some questions that might come up perhaps she does have ADHD.

^

So what???

This give her free rein to be disrespectful???

If I'm being totally 100% honest, I've rarely ever pulled DC up on it because it doesn't bother me, half the time I don't even register it. Yes I probably did notice that they were talking in a more exasperated tone, but I put it down to mood rather than any marker of respect. I probably use the same tone back if I am exasperated myself - it is only recently I have really clocked that I probably shouldn't!

DS1 is 16 now and doesn't do it any more, and his teacher said to me he is always polite and respectful and then added that she can't say that about all the pupils.

The thing I wouldn't let go is stuff like physical aggression, insults/name calling, anything like that (but me/DH also would never do these things although both of us can sometimes use an irritated tone). But attitude/disrespect/tone, no. I can't get worked up by it.

What I have found for DS2 (who is much younger so may not help) is to disengage in the moment when he is getting to the point of shouting and then later on, ask to talk to him and then say I didn't like being shouted at. Trying to address it in the moment when they are having the worked up emotion that is making them shout/have the attitude doesn't work because in their head, they are having a totally proportionate response. When you get them later on, they can see the wood for the trees a bit and recognise it's not an appropriate way to speak to anyone.

What on earth

This whole thread was about stopping it!

@BertieBotts it does get to me to be honest

I think she does recognise (definitely after it's happened!) that she's done it when I've pulled her up on it.

Hopefully we'll come out of it one day

It's hard going to me