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Original poster

I think I'm at breaking point

30 replies

QuestionableMouse · 02/03/2025 14:56

Christ I don't even know how to start this but here goes

My mum nearly died during Covid and has been quiet unwell since then. She spent most of that year in and out of hospital, seriously unwell and it played hell on my mental health leaving me with PTSD.

It's happening again - she was taken into hospital the first week of Feb with a chest infection and fluid on her chest. Since then they've diagnosed her with mild (? I don't even know if that the correct term but it's the one she used) heart failure and she's again quite unwell. She's been in and out of hospital since then and was taken in again last night because her diabetes has been affected by her medication (steroids) and he blood sugar was over 35.

She's just rang me to say she's being discharged tonight which is great but I'm fucking terrified of her being at home.

It's all on me - hospital runs, bringing her home, making sure my dad is okay (he was in hospital in November with such bad seizures they asked about a DNR and hasn't been right since - I think it may be the start of dementia but I haven't been able to get a gp appointment for him), taking care of my nephews during the week because my sister works awkward hours and there's no suitable childcare.

She doesn't really help and they don't ask her - it's always me. I can never relax probably and I'm fucking terrified of the phone ringing because it's usually some kind of emergency. I just don't know what do do - I genuinely feel like getting in the car and running away. I've been referred for talking therapy and already taken anti anxiety meds.

I don't know what practical help there may be or even if they'd accept it. I don't know what the point of this thread is either but thank you if you read this far!

OP posts:
Maitri108 · 02/03/2025 15:01

I'm sorry to hear about your mum OP.

There's lots of information at the British Health Foundation and they have a good helpline should you need support.

Mo819 · 02/03/2025 15:06

Wow that's alot.
First of all ,this can not all be on you your sister has to pull her weight . Secondly contact your local carers centre they can offer practical amd emotional advice.
Your local ss can assess both your mum and dad to see if they are entitled to any home help ect.
Take care.

Original poster
QuestionableMouse · 02/03/2025 15:12

Mo819 · 02/03/2025 15:06

Wow that's alot.
First of all ,this can not all be on you your sister has to pull her weight . Secondly contact your local carers centre they can offer practical amd emotional advice.
Your local ss can assess both your mum and dad to see if they are entitled to any home help ect.
Take care.

She absolutely won't.

I had a stomach bug a few weeks ago and begged her to take my dad to the hospital (and take my mam some clean nighties and pants) and she refused.

I ended up driving to the hospital, walking dad up to the ward and sitting outside in the cold because she just won't help.

I'm also not well myself - I'm waiting on MRI results for what could be a brain tumor.

I think I'm at breaking point
OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Dementia & alzheimer's General health
Original poster
QuestionableMouse · 02/03/2025 15:13

Maitri108 · 02/03/2025 15:01

I'm sorry to hear about your mum OP.

There's lots of information at the British Health Foundation and they have a good helpline should you need support.

Thank you.

I absolutely can't engage with that today but will ring them in the morning.

OP posts:
Maitri108 · 02/03/2025 15:15

QuestionableMouse · 02/03/2025 15:13

Thank you.

I absolutely can't engage with that today but will ring them in the morning.

Show quote history

No problem. Obviously I meant British Heart Foundation. If you check out the page I linked there's lots of useful information. You can of course contact the Samaritans day or night to talk. Sometimes it just helps to get if off your chest.

Mo819 · 02/03/2025 15:16

@QuestionableMouse I'm sorry your sister is so unsupportive and that your unwell. It sounds like you really needs to get some help from ss.

curious79 · 02/03/2025 15:16

If your sister won't help with the things you ask, I don't think you should be available for her childcare. Why should that be on you?

Slobberchops1 · 02/03/2025 15:16

Time to tell your sister you can’t provide childcare anymore - give her a weeks notice .

You have too much on your plate with your parents and your own MH to carry on with the arrangement

2025willbemytime · 02/03/2025 15:19

That's embarrassing of your sister. With all the help you give her she still can't get her kids clean pants and plates? No, she's more than likely making that up to make you feel bad. Stop helping her since she won't help her parents.

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 02/03/2025 15:21

Yeah I’d knock the childcare on the head if that’s her attitude.

Original poster
QuestionableMouse · 02/03/2025 15:21

There's no one else to look after them after school and tbh it's the least stressful thing in my life a lot of the time!

I mostly need the constant ambulances and hospital visits and all that stuff to stop.

OP posts:
Slobberchops1 · 02/03/2025 15:27

QuestionableMouse · 02/03/2025 15:21

There's no one else to look after them after school and tbh it's the least stressful thing in my life a lot of the time!

I mostly need the constant ambulances and hospital visits and all that stuff to stop.

Not your problem

if you want to carry on being a martyr go for it . Or you could make some changes to give yourself a break

zeibesaffron · 02/03/2025 15:28

This is so hard but there are things you can do:

  • Benefits - are you and your parents claiming everything you can
  • Are you listed as a carer with the GP and have you had a carers assessment? The GP can tell you where to go for this
  • Reduce having your sisters kids - prioritise you and put boundaries in place - I am sorry they are her kids not yours she needs to find a solution (especially as she won’t do anything to support your parents)
  • has your dad been referred to the memory clinic for assessment / support - GP can do this
  • social care - call them and ask for help you can no longer do all of this stuff so what is on offer and when can they do an assessment of need?
  • Do they need district nurse support? if so GP can refer - in some places you can self refer in?
  • home shop/ meals delivered to the door? would this help?
  • Life line - the necklace with a button if they need help they press this and the control centre call 999/you or your sister - age uk have a good one (or they used too)
  • how can age uk or other charities help? Age uk locally do things like garden services/ house DIY for a fee, they have groups and befriending services too (thats where its helpful to know if you can claim any benefits)
  • Is there a hospital transport system that can take your Mum to and from hospital - are there any volunteer driver groups locally? They normally only charge for petrol.

I hope some of that is helpful, the key one for me is reset your boundaries with your sister! Take care x

TonerNeedsReplacing · 02/03/2025 15:30

You can’t make your sister help but you can withdraw the help you are giving to her. And frankly I would.

CatherineParr · 02/03/2025 15:31

Lay it on the line with her. She helps or you don't do childcare

Mum2So · 02/03/2025 15:32

Your sister is taking advantage of you. She needs to take responsibility for her sons, especially if she expects you to take care of your parents! I mean, you need a life as well. If you don't have children, what about you having some of your own life back to meet a partner? Your sister is completely hogging and wasting your time to get on with your own life and your child-bearing years (assuming you want children). It's almost as though she's abusing you and you can't see it. You need to take a stand and start saying No to her.

rookiemere · 02/03/2025 15:36

It sounds like neither of you had the ability to take your DF to the hospital in that situation.
Options :

  • He doesn't go
  • if he's that bad he phones an ambulance
  • He takes a taxi

It sounds like you have some serious health concerns and your DPs are no longer well enough to be home without a support package.

YourWildAmberSloth · 02/03/2025 16:00

QuestionableMouse · 02/03/2025 15:21

There's no one else to look after them after school and tbh it's the least stressful thing in my life a lot of the time!

I mostly need the constant ambulances and hospital visits and all that stuff to stop.

Did you post about this before OP. I have a vague memory of sister who wouldn't help, but who's children OP was happily looking after, even when she was ill. Anyway, I think you are missing the point. It's not a question of whether you find looking after your nephews difficult or not. You have a big sign on your forehead saying 'martyr' but then you are complaining that you are being treated like one. Your sister absolutely refuses to help you or your parents. Your response is, that's fine sis, I'll still bend over backwards to help you. It's about valuing yourself and making sure that others value you. It sounds like neither of you value you. Nothing will change until you do. Your sister will find a solution to her childcare issue, even it means changing jobs, because that's what people do. You can look at what help and support is available for your parents - again, there will be other options. What do you think happens with people who don't have family? I am not saying that you should wash your hands of your parents, but you can get help.

plinkyblonk · 02/03/2025 16:05

QuestionableMouse · 02/03/2025 15:21

There's no one else to look after them after school and tbh it's the least stressful thing in my life a lot of the time!

I mostly need the constant ambulances and hospital visits and all that stuff to stop.

How old are her kids? Can they not go to after school club. Regardless I can't believe she has put housework above helping when you are sick. Bowls take seconds to wash. If the kids need clothes shove what the desperately needed in the machine and put them on radiators to dry quickly.

We have all been there house is a shambles and something happens to family. You leave the mess and deal with family. The house can get sorted later.

As others have said I'd probably not be so keen to help with childcare now. She's shown how little she care about you or your parents. Look after yourself for once

Original poster
QuestionableMouse · 02/03/2025 16:50

They're primary ages. The school has an after school club but it finishes at 4:30 and she doesn't leave work until 5pm, and has a 45min drive home.

OP posts:
Original poster
QuestionableMouse · 02/03/2025 16:51

Mum2So · 02/03/2025 15:32

Your sister is taking advantage of you. She needs to take responsibility for her sons, especially if she expects you to take care of your parents! I mean, you need a life as well. If you don't have children, what about you having some of your own life back to meet a partner? Your sister is completely hogging and wasting your time to get on with your own life and your child-bearing years (assuming you want children). It's almost as though she's abusing you and you can't see it. You need to take a stand and start saying No to her.

I don't have a life, you're right.

I have constant anxiety and worry, and days of running around after everyone else.

OP posts:
Original poster
QuestionableMouse · 02/03/2025 16:53

zeibesaffron · 02/03/2025 15:28

This is so hard but there are things you can do:

  • Benefits - are you and your parents claiming everything you can
  • Are you listed as a carer with the GP and have you had a carers assessment? The GP can tell you where to go for this
  • Reduce having your sisters kids - prioritise you and put boundaries in place - I am sorry they are her kids not yours she needs to find a solution (especially as she won’t do anything to support your parents)
  • has your dad been referred to the memory clinic for assessment / support - GP can do this
  • social care - call them and ask for help you can no longer do all of this stuff so what is on offer and when can they do an assessment of need?
  • Do they need district nurse support? if so GP can refer - in some places you can self refer in?
  • home shop/ meals delivered to the door? would this help?
  • Life line - the necklace with a button if they need help they press this and the control centre call 999/you or your sister - age uk have a good one (or they used too)
  • how can age uk or other charities help? Age uk locally do things like garden services/ house DIY for a fee, they have groups and befriending services too (thats where its helpful to know if you can claim any benefits)
  • Is there a hospital transport system that can take your Mum to and from hospital - are there any volunteer driver groups locally? They normally only charge for petrol.

I hope some of that is helpful, the key one for me is reset your boundaries with your sister! Take care x

Edited

Thank you. 💐💐 I will go through this list tomorrow when I'm feeling better and tick off what I can.

OP posts:
TonerNeedsReplacing · 02/03/2025 22:55

QuestionableMouse · 02/03/2025 16:50

They're primary ages. The school has an after school club but it finishes at 4:30 and she doesn't leave work until 5pm, and has a 45min drive home.

When you originally said she “works awkward hours” I was envisaging she was a shift worker having to do ever changing hours into the night etc. Not someone who works until 5pm and needs childcare until 6! That is incredibly normal.

Neveranynamesleft · 02/03/2025 23:04

Her children are her problem, not yours. Please stop helping her out with care, you have enough on your plate. You are going to run yourself into the ground and will be of no use to anybody then.

Lighttodark · 02/03/2025 23:06

Hi Op
do you want things to change? Or do you want to rant?
if you want things to change, it starts with you. Easiest plate you can drop is childcare for your selfish sister.

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