Anyone else have kids who don’t let them throw stuff away…?

[MumGuilt101]

We are drowning in clutter. Mainly toys. Mainly soft toys and squishmallows.

11 year old is a messy little bugger but I’m working on it. She’s not so bad re chucking stuff.

8 is a different story. She will rip through bin bags. Wail about clothes that no longer fit being thrown away. I have to appease her by telling her I’ll just put them in the garage but now the garage is packed.

I can’t tell you how much space in this house is taken up with shite because she won’t let me chuck it out. I can’t lie and tell her things are in the garage when they aren’t because she will literally check/ask for them in six months time.

What’s the best way to handle this? Do you just bash on and chuck them anyway because it feels a bit mean to me to just be chucking her stuff away when she doesn’t want me to.

we have an enormous toy kitchen that they barely play with. I suggested we clean it all up together and donate it. Nope.

Might it work to sit down with her and explain the problem - lack of space - and suggest that you both come up with a list of possible solutions. Write them all down, however silly, and then cross off any that are unacceptable to one of you and see what you're left with

Could include suggestions made here -

Taking a photo for a scrapbook
Donating to somewhere she is fond of (DS loves to donate to his old nursery)
Selling and having money for other things

I have to admit to saying 'come on, if Santa comes in with your room like this, he'll end up breaking a leg and nobody will get their presents this year'. But I also bought collars with bells on for the cats to wear Christmas Eve, as the sound of bells tinkling in the distance meant the little buggers ran back to their beds to pretend to be sleeping (and then went to sleep) in case he didn't stop because they were still awake and up.

Take control and sort things out without telling her.

I have learned from experience that it is not okay to do this.
Young adult DC holds a lot of resentment about us decluttering the most ridiculous items. He literally holds on to everything. I am pretty certain he will end up an absolute hoarder, no matter how we’ve tried to encourage him letting go of things over the years. He actually picks things out of the bin to rescue them (I’m talking broken things that can’t be recycled/given to charity). It’s painful to see how attached he is to things.

I have two that were like this at (& before) 8.
The 10 is now the most proactive donator of all of them (I think years of acceptance from us that things were important to her & we would try to keep if we could gave her the confidence- this is the child who sobbed for days aged 6 when our broken washing machine was replaced!!)
The 14 is still tricky but accepts that if we put the item in a drawer for 6/12 months he will be happy for it to leave the house after that. He says he just needs the distance from the thing.

So just wanted to reassure you that it's unlikely to stay this hard!!

Yes it's sad it no longer fits

Out it goes

You are the adult you have to help them learn - and that includes the fact that things can be sad sometime and still have to happen

Who is the parent? Stop pandering to your child hoarder. Better still just stop buying anything else and tell other adults to stop also.

Our youngest was like this. When she was around your DD's age, maybe a little younger, I introduced her to the Marie Kondo method - specifically the bit where you thank your belongings and say goodbye. It really seemed to resonate with her.

She's 14 now and very minimalist!

Yeah I’m trying to do that whilst not obliterating any trust she has in me and her dad

We used to go through stuff together. Once in November “to make room for Christmas presents” and once during the summer holidays to “make room for birthday presents”. (We were lucky that my two have birthdays in July.) We used to have a stand at a regular second hand charity toy and clothes sale once a year too where the pitch and refreshment money would go to the scouts and we would make some money to put towards presents which was split between all of us.

It’s not about breaking her trust it’s about being the responsible adult in the situation and explaining to her that she can’t just never get rid of anything and continuing to fill the house with more and more things. It’s not right or healthy and will lead to hoarding habits.

You need to explain that it’s ok to have somethings that are so special that you keep however some clothes and toys etc are not meant to be kept for a certain amount of time until they not longer fit or are not suitable and then they are to be passed along to other children to be used.

When she’s at school or out of the house clear things out. Stuff that’s been stored away or not touched for a long time.

Gosh of course it's fine to sort through and get rid of stuff.

100% don't do it while she's there. She'll not notice. If she ever does, I usually go with 'oh yeah I haven't seen that for a while, not sure where it is.' Then distract with something else.

We’ve had many many many discussions. She doesn’t want to hear it.

conversations at that age don’t really work… what about consequences? show her the garage is full, point out her room is full. So she can’t have anything new.. toys, clothes etc as there is no room. Stick to it for her whilst continuing buying for everyone else who does get rid of stuff. If she has a birthday during the process get money for her bank… which she can spend when the existing stuff goes. Clothes will get uncomfortable if they’re too small. You might feel guilty but stick to your guns op

Not all kids are the same you're right to parent the kids you have.

Honestly my 14 is still properly distressed at suggestions to just get rid of clothes he's grown out of but as I say above if we don't fuss & just agree which drawer/box they can live in he will wave them away 6 months later.

It was never worth breaking his trust in order to empty a drawer sooner & I'm glad we didn't.

Get rid of the garage stuff when she's not there. She's 8, stop pandering to it.

I also wonder if because over the years, you've oandered to it, it's become ingrained.

If from young, toys did dissappear, drawings from school were 'lost', she never learnt that stuff going was normal. Now you have a pattern of behaviour to try and break. If both your kids are like it, perhaps you have to look at your parenting strategies?

Crappy each child now has a drawer for junk modelling. They can keep whatever they want as long as it fits in the drawer - it’s a variant of the container concept.

This is me too with one DD. I have tried most of these suggestions but now it's got to unsustainable levels. She needs a desk for homework but will not tidy or make decisions on what she wants to keep so there is no change.

Do they have young cousins? My boy enjoys sorting out things for his cousin, it means he'll see them again and will get joy out of the cousin using them.

Oh goodness.... You're the adult here! What you say goes. There's not enough room, we'll donate it. End of discussion.

Stop buying things for starters. If they are overwhelmed with “stuff” it’s hard to see the woods for the trees.

Ask relatives to put money into an account rather than buy stuff (craft kits, toys, novelty items) for birthdays and Christmas. If you’re in the trap of always buying them a keepsake from a day out, stop. Take a photo of all of you at the event / venue and put it in a physical album. Fill the album with meaningful pictures.

also though, some children get really sad about everyday “things”. They feel bad for the poor items being thrown away and not needed. So finding a way to say thank you to the item, and talk about how it will now be recycled to become something new or go to a new home might help.

and finally yes get tough. You cannot keep everything. If everything is special, nothing is special. That’s not how special works.

14yo DC2 is like this. She doesn't like change, and it's probably in part a reaction to my not being very sentimental over stuff. For example last week I cleared out a large cupboard, and there was quite lot of (IMO) primary-school aged craft stuff in there, including playdoh themed sets, Hama beads, that kind of thing. She was not happy to let them go, and back in the cupboard they went.

I have sometimes had success with clear outs when Christmas or her birthday is on the horizon: "Let's make room for all those lovely new things you're bound to get!". And sometimes I've taken the Toy Story 3 approach and convinced her that it would be better for someone else to be enjoying the things rather than having them gather dust, and given them to some kids over the road. That appeals to her more than passing them on to a charity shop.

You're the adult, it's up to you to decide how your house/space is used. Clear out the garage, get rid of all the old stuff and ride out the inevitable fallout, which might not be as bad as you anticipate. I don't think it's a good idea to allow a child to be a hoarder, or to become very emotionally invested in having loads of stuff.

Might be worth upgrading to 'Hoarders'- seeing the visual of houses that never throw anything away.

They also have some good techniques in there you could try. Like they get the hoarder to rate the value of items to them 1-10 and ask if they would be ok to only keep the 9's or 10's. Or ask if they can take the items below 9 out of the house for a while and see if they are ok with them being gone and could let go of them permanently.

Who’s the parent here? Why do you have an appease an 8 year old (who won’t be devastated, she’ll be upset for a bit)?