Something (almost?) happened at work with a colleague and I don’t know how to process

[scaredtogobbacktowork]

Colleague has been very ‘grabby’ last few months. I don’t want it but don’t feel able to say no. I’m a very smiley person and I don’t know how put boundaries in. It’s been getting worse last couple of months.

Last week he came into my office while I was alone, I was in the building early. He was sitting on my desk leaning into me. I didn’t want that. He didn’t say anything. I don’t know what he was intending. My colleague walked in and when she did he walked out without a word. She said she wasn’t sure what she had interrupted and said she felt uncomfortable for me. I told her just to leave it. She is much more senior than me and I’m not sure if she will have already told management.

I think if she hadn’t walked in something would have happened that I didn’t want.

I was abused a v v long time ago and the last couple of nights I’ve had horrible nightmares, panic attack yesterday and I’m dissociating. Things I’ve not had to deal with in a long time.

I’m the newest permanent staff and I don’t want to make a name for myself by complaining, I just genuinely don’t know what to do. I don’t want to be given the sack if I make a fuss.

Do whatever you can to make sure you're not alone with him.

In your mind roleplay a situation where he tries something on. Practise saying no and stop that firmly. Keep practising.

Talk again to the colleague who walked in. Tell her you are uncomfortable with him. Don't leave anyone thinking you could be enjoying his attentions.

Talk again to the colleague who witnessed the interaction. Explain how uncomfortable you have been feeling over a period of time, and then go and speak to HR.

This is awful OP. I'm really sorry this is happening to you. Good advice above.

If someone at work is sexually harassing you, you will not be ‘making a name for yourself’ in reporting. That is not ‘making a fuss’, it’s keeping yourself safe!

Forget being smiley Op. You need to set very clear, unequivocal boundaries here and show with your body language how you feel. So if he sits on your desk, you stand up and back away immediately and say something like “I need to get on with work now”. Keep interactions with them strictly professional and don’t engage in any other light conversation so it’s all unequivocal on your part. You can be polite but very firm,

As my granny used to say, you don’t need to show consideration in a situation where you are not being considered.

Did you mention to your other colleague that you felt harassed by this person? It’s a difficult boundary when they haven’t made an actual move that you can report specifically to management but they are threatening to do so.

You need to start logging any incidents however small so that if he does do something you can report, you can show the progression and that it’s not an isolated incident.

Sorry you are having to deal with this.

I'm really glad the senior colleague walked in when she did. She said she felt uncomfortable for you, it sounds like you may have a supportive allie here. I would talk to her again and tell her everything you've said here (if you feel comfortable with that).

Have you any rl support for the ptsd you're suffering from?

This is sexual harassment, op. Please don’t minimise his behaviour. You need to speak to someone; the manager who walked in and caught him in the act needs to be made fully aware of what is going on. They should have had the correct training to deal with this, but if they haven’t you need to make sure that you understand what you need to do to protect yourself. Don’t worry about appearing difficult or unsmiling. This is serious and it needs to be stopped now.

The first step you need to take is to say very clearly and loudly to him that he is making you feel uncomfortable and he needs to step away. It doesn’t matter if others are around, in fact the more people who hear the better.

You need to make clear boundaries, stop being smiley and start saying no. If you're continuing to be smiley and happy with this person whilst not telling them no, the behaviour isn't going to change as they potentially think it is welcome.

You cannot allow someone to continue making you uncomfortable whilst giving them no sign that you are uncomfortable - especially if you're then telling senior colleagues to "leave it", you want that senior colleague on side and understanding that you are also uncomfortable, not that you're a willing participant.

No one looks unfavourably on people who have clear boundaries at work, especially not when they're feeling harassed.

Colleague (the one that walked in) is lovely yes and very senior in the company, so would have a lot of influence if she said something. I do trust her very much. I think that is the thing, he’s not doing anything that I can specifically say ‘this was wrong’ but it’s the level of threat and feeling intimidated. There have been a couple of full hands on incidents but again, at least the second time, I laughed it off (despite dying inside) so I worry colleagues would think I was encouraging it.

Although the second time someone else quietly said to me ‘I told him a long time if he f**g touched me again I’d kick him in the balls.’ which makes me think I’m not being daft.

We do have constant cctv and alarm systems (due to nature of the job) so anything would be witnessed, but in my office especially the cameras don’t have a good view of the desks at all.

My clinical supervisor would support I think, but I’m not due for supervision for a while.

I just want to do my job, it’s so bloody difficult, and I shouldn’t be lying awake at 4am as I was today panicking over it.

I’ve had therapy for anxiety management etc, but stopped a year ago - on meds. I’ve never really talked to anyone in detail about the abuse - wrote it down for CPN when I was very unwell a couple of years ago. Do have cptsd diagnosis yes.

I’ve never told anyone in my social circle or family, I’m not sure they’d believe me if I did.

Keep being your smiley self but don’t be smiling at him! Use body language to tell him to keep out of your personal space. Step away, turn your back, fold your arms. If this fails use your words. You could use humour at first if you feel that would help, “ sorry I keep moving away from you Paul but I don’t like it when people are in my personal space, nothing personal. I got sacked once for chinning a previous boss” (then smile). You can do it.

Please please go speak to the woman who witnessed it. And go to HR.

Ot sounds like he has form for this, and you being the newest he's seeing you as a fresh victim he can harass.

Please talk to your colleague and tell her you feel uncomfortable. You deserve to feel safe and to be protected and this man sounds like a predator. I’d also look in to self esteem work. The book overcoming low self esteem is a great place to start.

I thought that so I put up with the first time back in autumn, and then when other colleague said that a couple of weeks ago (that she had to tell him to stop) I realised probably not imagining it. The stuff in the past is making it harder to deal with, because I couldn’t stop them either.

If he touches you again, say Please don't touch me in a lout clear voice. Practice it at home.

You want others to hear and look and for everyone to know that you don't want him touching you. Doesn’t matter what kind of touching, he shouldn't be doing it.

And it doesn't matter what his reaction is after you say it. You say the phrase "don't touch me" and you set the boundary.

@Lifeisnoteasy84 , telling a vulnerable woman that she may be imagining the threat, is unsupportive and actually dangerous. I had a mother like you. I'm old now and I still think this is one of the most damaging things I've had said to me.
@scaredtogobbacktowork , don't question yourself, just talk to your manager.

This behaviour needs to be stopped. You should nit have to put up with it @scaredtogobbacktowork

Firstly, the colleague that told him to foff - go talk to her. Say hes doing it to you but you cant handle it. Ask her to help you deal with him. This should be official ie via HR complaint. Let the senior colleague kniw what's happening too.

It won't reflect on you. Good luck.

Talk to the senior lady and tell her that his behaviour does make you uncomfortable. See what support she can offer.

You don't have to be smiley with him, just professional. You are definitely allowed to put boundaries in place. If you don't feel confident enough to do it with words yet, do it through body language. No more smiling, move away from him , turn to the side , move back, leave the room (need to get some printing, get a coffee, check something with Judy) , pick up the phone to make a phone call to a client, I'm busy right now, etc. Make it clear his presence is an inconvenience and not welcome. Only talk to him if required by the job .

Sounds like he has form for this .

FFS. No.

You need to disclose your vulnerability to the colleague and ask her to support you to put boundaries in place.

Tell him in front of someone else, the other day you came into my office and made me uncomfortable. You have touched me several times and I do not want you to.
Do it in a calm, quiet but pointed way ' Hi Jim, I just wanted to let you know that whilst you may be comfortable with touching others, I am not and I would appreciate it if you could be more considerable of my personal space, leaning over my desk the other day was a bit much'

Get the other colleague to be around for this, or if your not comfortable with the idea, send him an email/teams message. Can't deny he didn't know how his actions came across or made you feel then.

Once you've done this, if he makes any indication of making you uncomfortable you report him to HR.

I'd also speak to the senior colleague and ask to write a statement with her, just incase it's ever needed.
He clearly has form for this, and you may not actually need to put a formal complaint in, if the business can see evidence for themselves (such as an email)

Your senior colleague will certainly help with this situation if you ask her, but OP sadly this man won’t be the only man you meet who wants to push your boundaries , so you also need to find a way to stop smiling and say no. Find some counselling sessions or other support to do this. Good luck.

Wow, I'm shocked you find it so surprising, unfortunately sexual harrassment isn't rare and yes they really do think they can get away with it, especially when people say things like "are you not reading more into it"!