Something (almost?) happened at work with a colleague and I don’t know how to process

[scaredtogobbacktowork]

Colleague has been very ‘grabby’ last few months. I don’t want it but don’t feel able to say no. I’m a very smiley person and I don’t know how put boundaries in. It’s been getting worse last couple of months.

Last week he came into my office while I was alone, I was in the building early. He was sitting on my desk leaning into me. I didn’t want that. He didn’t say anything. I don’t know what he was intending. My colleague walked in and when she did he walked out without a word. She said she wasn’t sure what she had interrupted and said she felt uncomfortable for me. I told her just to leave it. She is much more senior than me and I’m not sure if she will have already told management.

I think if she hadn’t walked in something would have happened that I didn’t want.

I was abused a v v long time ago and the last couple of nights I’ve had horrible nightmares, panic attack yesterday and I’m dissociating. Things I’ve not had to deal with in a long time.

I’m the newest permanent staff and I don’t want to make a name for myself by complaining, I just genuinely don’t know what to do. I don’t want to be given the sack if I make a fuss.

Wow. Do you think the other colleagues were projecting too? Sadly men still act like cunts all over the world.

As awful as it sounds, it's good you know he's got form for this. It means it's not just down to your word against his and hr will likely find evidence during an investigation. Please do reach out for independent rl support (call a helpline?) and get some help processing what's happening so that your symptoms subside. You don't deserve this. None of your colleagues do. I think you will likely get a lot of support from them and the senior person. Thank goodness she walked in when she did.
Stay strong

Ask for a 1:1 meeting with the woman who interrupted the situation.

Explain that you need help because you don't seem to have the skills you need to establish appropriate professional boundaries with this man, that you don't want to cause trouble but his attentions are not welcome. Thank her for having intervened previously in a situation that you were very uncomfortable in and ask her how you should proceed to ensure you don't find yourself in that kind of situation again.

It is much much better to talk to people in "real life" about this even if you get good advice on this thread. You need allies in the workplace.

Just read your update Op where you said,

I think that is the thing, he’s not doing anything that I can specifically say ‘this was wrong’ but it’s the level of threat and feeling intimidated. There have been a couple of full hands on incidents but again, at least the second time, I laughed it off (despite dying inside) so I worry colleagues would think I was encouraging it.

The problem is that you don’t recognise that a full “hands on” incident is worthy of reporting op!

It’s not your fault, I had issues with this when I was younger as I was taught to be polite and accommodating of others.

Its only now when I am older that I have learnt to draw better boundaries.

Please know though that it is

NOT ok to touch someone without their permission, even in jest. . If you feel threatened and he is touching you, you need to say “no” and report.

Good luck op 💐. He’d despicable and it’s awful that you are having to deal with this!

He knows exactly what he is doing, take the fuckers power away, say as others have said something out loud, colleagues have noticed so the support is there.

Bite the bullet, it would stop the behaviour fast and take away that daily anxiety, you deserve to be safe and respected at your place of work, everywhere actually but def at work.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I would speak to the colleague that came into your office and ask for her support. Tell her you’re feeling uncomfortable about this and hopefully she will support you going to hr.

Remember you don’t owe any kindness or good will to this man. You don’t need to be nice to him. You’re allowed to ice him out.

I would talk to the senior colleague as soon as possible in private. I would explain what has been happening and would say that because of abuse in your past you have learnt to cope by smiling through things. But if she saw you smiling when he was there it was not because you were happy he was there but because you were trying to protect yourself. She will understand that. Ask her if she can take it further for you. She shouldn't have left the room particularly as he seems to have a reputation. Also speak to the other person who mentioned kicking him. Tell her what happened. Silence gives him power. That power must be taken away from him.

You are in a good position in that a senior woman witnessed and was offering support with this, she gave you an opening with her words. Go back and talk to her, asap, say exactly what you have said here. You don't have to say anything personal about yourself or your past, just about his behaviour and the way it makes you feel. This is about him not you. He clearly has form for this as another woman has confirmed. Find and use your words, in getting support. It is totally unacceptable and you shouldn't put up with this. These types always prey on the new female as they are the most vulnerable.

My friend’s boyfriend was too handsy, so I now say loudly, “I don’t like being touched; please don’t touch me.”

I don’t care if it offends him; I’m not here to make him feel comfortable about his lack of boundaries.

Please talk to the lady who witnessed it, and the woman who said he did the same to her. The audacity of these fuckers is astounding

Im sorry you’re having to go through this, but I’m glad it sounds like you have allies who see him for exactly what he is

I completely understand from reading your posts why you’re uncomfortable, but I think you need to tell him to stop. Would it help to rehearse a speech almost on what you want to say, being firm and unequivocally clear that no you wont tolerate his behaviour and your next steps will be to go to HR.

The first time this utter sleazebag touched you he crossed the line. You deserve to have your boundaries protected op. The senior woman knows his reputation and will be delighted to support you. Go and ask her for help. Does your workplace offer counseling or mental health support? It would be helpful for you to seek extra mental health support as these episodes have obviously triggered some traumatic memories. Wishing you all the best.

I completely get where you are coming from and understand why you’re uncomfortable.

What you need to remember is that although you don’t want to come across as being difficult etc (which you wouldn’t), you also don’t want anyone thinking that you are encouraging it or enjoying it.

Firstly, try not being alone with him at all.

Secondly, try and have phrases ready to stop him touching you. If he asks for a hug(which I’m sure he will soon), tell him no because you don’t like hugs and stick to it.

I had a similar situation but he was my boss.
I didn’t report it either because it was such minor things and like you I didn’t want to cause any problems for myself.

We went for a Christmas party (he wasn’t there) and had a couple of drinks and one women called him a creep. I said I agree and I don’t like being alone with him. My assistant manager was in shock and said she had no idea I felt that way and that she will make sure I am not alone with him and arrange ‘training’ over lunch so that I’m too busy to talk to him.

She was amazing and I’ve not had any issues since.
I didn’t report it and she told me to come to her for just a chat or if I want to make it official anytime I want.

If you can’t get away from it, then a chat to a senior member of staff is really helpful.
Even if you are not officially reporting it, just asking for advice means they are aware of it.

I'm sure the senior female colleague is champing at the bit to do something about this individual. He's already sexually assaulted you twice and it's continuing to harass you. Speak to your colleague. Get the ball rolling. Anything that happens with Mr Handsy job wise is down to his own actions.

This is an appalling post. This is exactly how men get away with predatory behaviour. Shame on you for this being your response to the OP.

OP you have had lots of good advice, please totally ignore this one!

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

Speak to one or both of the women that you have mentioned, they have the measure of him and know exactly what he is capable of. Please get yourself some support, you don't have to face it alone.