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Original poster

police welfare check - please help

34 replies

Bubbles9 · 23/02/2025 06:37

Good morning,

I was just hoping to hear some views on a situation that occurred last night. Yesterday, I received a call from the police asking if I had put a claim of DV in against my ex partner. I explained that the information was inaccurate and I was not supporting police action and it has been completed. The police officer started to talk about the DV and I cried whilst I recalled an outline of what had happened. She asked if I had support services for DV, I said yes thank you, and good friends. Said good bye and then took my child to Legoland for the day. That evening at 08.30pm the police turn up for a welfare check saying the officer on the phone thought I was 'slurring my words'. I explained the situation and said I had been crying - invited them in and let them meet the children, who one was watching telly after riding during the day, and the other just having a bedtime story. I'm currently going through court with my ex-who has been abusive. So it is all really scary. The police said all was fine and they were happy and left. But it has caused me to feel really worried.

OP posts:
bottlemom · 23/02/2025 06:47

So there was DV, but you're not going to press charges (they can still pursue it without, by the way)? The officer was worried about how you sounded so they came round to check you were ok. Sounds fine to me.

Mindymomo · 23/02/2025 06:47

Did you ask why they were phoning you. Something must have happened for the Police to call you, perhaps your ex has done something and is in custody. Maybe the visit was just that, a welfare check as they were worried. It sounds like they are just doing their job and asking if you are getting support, but there doesn’t seem to be any reason why you should be worried.

Original poster
Bubbles9 · 23/02/2025 07:33

Thank you. It was a shock really. If I pursue my ex for DV, he could get a criminal record, then he can't do his job, the girls would loose schooling and maintenance, and I would not be able to afford the mortgage. So I am literally trapped.

OP posts:
ladymammalade · 23/02/2025 07:38

Bubbles9 · 23/02/2025 07:33

Thank you. It was a shock really. If I pursue my ex for DV, he could get a criminal record, then he can't do his job, the girls would loose schooling and maintenance, and I would not be able to afford the mortgage. So I am literally trapped.

It's not up to you to decide if you want to pursue it though - the police can (although I assume if you refuse to give evidence it might make it more difficult to secure a conviction)

Did you report it to the police originally or did someone else?

myplace · 23/02/2025 07:38

The police did similar to a relative, it turned out her ex had called them making accusations against her. They needed to see the DC ‘right now’.

It’s possible someone who knows you had reason to think you were in trouble- maybe they couldn’t get through on the phone, or maybe your ex was sounding off and making threats- so they asked for a check.

Whats important is that you and the DC are ok.

I am concerned about the ex. Have you explored it with domestic abuse counsellor? Do you have reason to trust you are now safe?

Original poster
Bubbles9 · 23/02/2025 07:39

Thank you. I do feel anxious at the moment. The police were lovely and said they were happy and left. I am still confused about the original call. The police officer said the information on the system was different in two different counties. I did seek help at Christmas as my ex was in contempt of court and took our child out of school, would then text me on my birthday telling me he had removed her from school, he would call me at work and at home, turn parents and friends against me, register our child at a new school - discussing this, push into me when passing me - and this is the small but continuous stuff he did after I left him.

OP posts:
Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 23/02/2025 07:43

It’s ok. They were on your side. Have to double check you’re ok.x

Original poster
Bubbles9 · 23/02/2025 07:44

I understand the police can pursue if they wish. I think it is good that they can. In this case they have said without my support it would be difficult to achieve, so have decided not to take action unless I change my mind - I think this was reasonable. To be honest the ex calmed down and life has been a bit better.

OP posts:
ashamedtramp · 23/02/2025 07:44

how did they get your details if you never made a complaint? i'm surprised they called you in the first instance rather than come in person?

im also very surprised that it took them all day to do a welfare check on you if on the initial call they were worried about you? something dosent make sense?

Original poster
Bubbles9 · 23/02/2025 07:49

I asked for advice during Christmas time - hence my details.

Yes, that is very odd. I thought that. Not sure what to think, hence I was worried. but I think I will try and put it behind me.

I just want to focus on being a good parent and getting the bills paid - a quiet life!

Thank you for your thoughts and advice x

OP posts:
mitogoshigg · 23/02/2025 07:56

If you don't support any prosecution for dv he is free to do the same to someone else, and that could be the real reason for the welfare check (they wouldn't be allowed to disclose). I'll be honest, why are you putting money above him being prosecuted for a crime? He needs to be held accountable for his actions

ThePoshUns · 23/02/2025 08:20

Hmm ex police here.
I'm wondering if the welfare check originated from your ex. Maybe he was hoping police would turn up and find you having a glass of wine then you would become the bad parent.
If the officer on the phone thought you were slurring they would have sent someone around there and then not waited until the evening.

Christmas202 · 23/02/2025 08:29

mitogoshigg · 23/02/2025 07:56

If you don't support any prosecution for dv he is free to do the same to someone else, and that could be the real reason for the welfare check (they wouldn't be allowed to disclose). I'll be honest, why are you putting money above him being prosecuted for a crime? He needs to be held accountable for his actions

Please don’t say this to the op. Unless you’ve been in a position like this you can’t begin to understand the pressure.
My situation is different but similar. i miscarried at college and was forced to see the guidance shrink. All I said to her was I was attacked and held hostage at 11 by 3 adults if I can cope with that without telling anyone I can cope with a miscarriage. She went to the police behind my back and reported it without my permission. The police came to my house and made me give a statement. The police officers words were think about the others when I stated I didn’t want to press charges. I’m sorry?? It had been 8 years at that point, my family didn’t know. It’s been 20 years now and I’m at peace with my decision. He had 2 young boys at home I didn’t want to rip their dad from their lives. No matter what he did to me I didn’t want his kids to pay for his mistakes. Until you’re in that position you can’t explain how backed into a corner you feel. Don’t hop more guilt onto the op.

Teenybub · 23/02/2025 08:32

mitogoshigg · 23/02/2025 07:56

If you don't support any prosecution for dv he is free to do the same to someone else, and that could be the real reason for the welfare check (they wouldn't be allowed to disclose). I'll be honest, why are you putting money above him being prosecuted for a crime? He needs to be held accountable for his actions

This is an awful thing to say. OP has been through enough, she has every right to seek a comfortable like for her and her children how she feels best instead of suffering more turmoil. I’m sure she would like the DV dealt with but unfortunately that will make her life more difficult, I’m sure she recognises the injustice in this.

TagSplashMaverick · 23/02/2025 08:58

ThePoshUns · 23/02/2025 08:20

Hmm ex police here.
I'm wondering if the welfare check originated from your ex. Maybe he was hoping police would turn up and find you having a glass of wine then you would become the bad parent.
If the officer on the phone thought you were slurring they would have sent someone around there and then not waited until the evening.

This sounds likely. It sounds like your ex may have been embarking on a campaign to discredit you in every way behind your back, and this is the first sign of it. It might be worth talking to friends, family, your children’s school, your employers etc, to see if he’s been in contact with any of them reporting ‘concerns’ about you.

I’d be worried about this I think.

Farellyo · 23/02/2025 08:58

ThePoshUns · 23/02/2025 08:20

Hmm ex police here.
I'm wondering if the welfare check originated from your ex. Maybe he was hoping police would turn up and find you having a glass of wine then you would become the bad parent.
If the officer on the phone thought you were slurring they would have sent someone around there and then not waited until the evening.

Maybe, maybe not. Either way, they are correct that OP has experienced DV and it's good that they did a welfare check. If this is the case even more reason for OP to pursue the charge to get the abuse on record.

ThePure · 23/02/2025 09:02

Yes I agree. I bet it was your ex making allegations that you are neglecting the DC. It fits with all of his previous behaviour in trying to keep them with him doesn't it?

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 23/02/2025 09:04

mitogoshigg · 23/02/2025 07:56

If you don't support any prosecution for dv he is free to do the same to someone else, and that could be the real reason for the welfare check (they wouldn't be allowed to disclose). I'll be honest, why are you putting money above him being prosecuted for a crime? He needs to be held accountable for his actions

OP has been through hell, no victim of abuse or sexual assault is responsible for their abusers actions or for stopping them from doing it again. I hate this bullshit sanctimonious pressure on women and making them defacto responsible for men and disgusting men at that.

ThePure · 23/02/2025 09:04

Also whose to say they didn't go round earlier and no one was home

Theresacatinmykitchenwhatamigonnado · 23/02/2025 09:08

The police may complete a notification to let the school know they've been round and the broad outline of why. I'm not saying this to worry you, and as they weren't called to an incident they may not, but we get alerts if the police went to a family home and there were school aged children present.

Cantgetausername87 · 23/02/2025 09:13

I really do mean this kindly but you should be pressing charges.
Ss and the police will be concerned that he will return to the family home, and they you're still under his control.
Also going to call it - keeping him from being charged doesn't mean he's not going to start the financial abuse soon. He sounds like a right peace of work and dangerous using the children like this.
I think it's time to suck it up and co-operate with the police and get some justice.
I also think you're really strong for trying to carry on but please make sure you're looking after yourself and getting the appropriate support.
You also owe it to future women to leave a marker on a clares law referral.

CaptainMyCaptain · 23/02/2025 09:16

It sounds to me like the Police did the right thing coming to check you were OK. You could have been being coerced over the phone. Its better they check than leave a woman in a position of danger

Original poster
Bubbles9 · 23/02/2025 11:14

It's not money, its the children's home, it's the children's school - its their stability.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bubbles9 · 23/02/2025 11:18

It's not an easy decision. I just want the children to be safe. Its is all recorded with the police - so it does stay on his record. But he has put me through 5 years of court, I took out 14 loans to protect the children, my parents have died and I don't think it will help the children right now to prosecute. That said, its all recorded from the time and when I feel the children are safe I will sett forward.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bubbles9 · 23/02/2025 11:18

Thank you

OP posts: