Has your partner’s attractiveness faded with age and lack of effort?

[SparklyNewMe]

In a long-term relationship here, he is mid-fifties, me mid-forties. Both have always taken care of ourselves in a well-groomed way, healthy weight, nothing fake. Probably 6-7 out of 10 on a vanity scale. He has lost interest in looking good in the last few years.

No denying that with age it has started to take more effort, but DH has not felt the pressure to make that extra effort, in fact he cares less. Personal hygiene is impeccable but facial hair grows out in all the wrong place, he cuts his nails less often, shaves less, does not bother to tidy his neck between haircuts, dry skin he does not bother to moisturise. Does not even bother with nice clothes, same stuff on rotation. He will only scrub up before a big event or holiday, very comfortable in his skin and, I guess, does not care if I find him attractive. I have mentioned this to him, but understandably he got angry. It feels very sad, like a part of his personality has changed, I used to be so proud of how he presented himself. I know the world would not stand for a man saying to woman to take better care of herself, so I am unreasonable. Still, kind of very sad, I do not fancy him as much with grey hair poking out of his nose and Brezhnev brows…

My DH was incredibly attractive when he was young and as he’s moved into older age - he’s now 53 - he’s still gorgeous. He’s lost his hair - he was blond when younger and now shaved his head but it totally suits him. He takes extremely good care of himself - gym 6 days a week and has a better body than most 25 year olds - not an ounce of fat and a washboard stomach. He also has a better “beauty” routine than me! He’s always impeccably turned out. He’s one of those men that seems to get better with age - I still fancy the arse off him just as much as I did when he was 19! 😝😝

Been together 40 years so we've grown old together I guess. I think we've both aged quite well and still fancy each other but it's not the same as when we were 18. We're just about to retire so I'm hoping we can relight the fire!!

My dh is late 50s, personal hygiene is good, he's losing his hair, he does use moisturiser, gets his (rapidly dwindling) hair cut every 4 weeks or do. He's not overweight. Clothes wise I have a battle to get him out of his rut of the same old stuff, but we can all fall into that. He's not as attractive as he used to be - but neither am I!

Funny that wheras I think it's a matter of self respect and respect for your partner to try and maintain basic routines - hygiene, hair , shaving etc - I would find my DH or male partner having a " beauty " routine or moisturising an absolute turn off.

Mid 40's and together for 20 years.

He was receding and grey when we met but besides a little less hair, a few more wrinkles (and one denture after an accident at work) he hasn't changed a bit to me. Still absolutely gorgeous.

Me on the otherhand. I've had 3 children and was diagnosed with arthritis 7 years ago. I am massively overweight due to steroids and illness and my self confidence has been at rock bottom for years now. He still seems to see me as beautiful though. Not sure how sometimes.

There was obviously a massive reason for me "giving up on myself" but had he ever said this to me I'd have been so hurt.

(Working on losing weight although I'm poorly again at the moment)

I think trimming nose and ear hair is the absolute minimum I would expect! I find it disgusting. I also think flaky dry skin is super unattractive, why not whack some moisturiser on to deal with the issue?
I wouldn’t want my DH letting himself go like this, so I agree Op.

Dh is slim, looks after himself. Looks good in his 50s. His parents are the same and look impeccable in their late 70s. Good genes help.

I more stir of the dump but am trying to make an effort and get rid of menopause weight....

Instead of framing it as a ‘no self respect’ or ‘no desire to be attractive for me’ issue, could you just have mentioned in passing that x needs a trim? Like, a casual reminder?

Priorities change with age. Peacocking and polishing takes mental and physical energy and I guess falls down the list and becomes just another chore.

Is that you Victoria? 😉🤣

that’s lovely though.

We are both in our fifties, DH has lost a lot of hair he had Hugh Grant style huge hair when we met. I have gone grey and am allergic to hair dye. It’s for both of us our hair that’s changed us the most. He is exactly the same body wise, I have gone from a size 8 to a 10 currently a 12 but I had six months of illness last year where I was housebound for around 3 months and limited mobility for a further 3.

Mine has never moisturised, he is very clean and keeps his very close cut beard in good order.

I wouldn't say irl but I feel.similarly. my DH is 60, I am mid 40s.
When we first met we both worked hard but also we're very fit. Obviously that was different when we were young and without kids, although I try to exercise 4 or 5 times a week and DH probably 2-3 times/wk

DH is quite injury prone (obviously thats not a criticism) but doesn't want to spend money, or put effort into rehab/recovery , or have the patience to do strengthening exercises, so has periods of no exercise.
He also drinks a lot.(way exceeding recommended amounts) He has put on about 2 stone and got quite a pronounced belly. He doesn't like it, but is very defensive if I suggest maybe not drinking during the week would help him lose weight.
He used to look great when he put on a suit to go out somewhere smart or go to a wedding , but he hasn't updated any smart clothes recently, so wears a jacket and chinos and a shirt that doesn't fit his neck so leaves the top button undone. (Even with a tie, which I think looks messy)
He once said he "wouldn't let me get like my mum" (eg very overweight) so it almost feels a bit hypocritical that he doesn't look after himself. His hygeine, hair, and skin is all fine though!

Surely it's quite sad when a LTR is based on little more than "fancying" that person like you're at the 5th form school disco.

My sexual attraction to DH isn't based on whether or not he has moisturised his face and plucked his hair nose.

Probably 6-7 out of 10 on a vanity scale

🤣🤣🤣

I personally think men get better with age

So how would you feel if they said you let yourself go, Or your looks are fading or you dont look as good as 20 years ago or something along those lines

There was a brief period post lockdowns where, as a result of mostly working from home and falling into the habit of not really going out much, DH let his appearance slip a bit. I bit my tongue for a bit, but then was just honest about it: the unkempt pirate look beard combined with watching him slope around the house and garden in a pair of ill fitting bobbled tracksuit bottoms and a cardigan which looked as though he’d stolen it from a drifter day in day out just wasn’t doing it for me. And he understood. He was a little butt hurt initially; but I think that was more because it had taken someone to point it out, and he found that a bit embarrassing. And I think he was glad to be pulled out of a slump.

Age comes to us all, and I find DH just as attractive and enjoy sex with him just as much now as when met, regardless of the signs of aging. But I think that active lack of effort in ensuring you look good for the person you’re supposed to care about most of all is often the beginning of the end, though: I wouldn’t show up to meet a friend or my brother with an unbrushed hair and in a pair of leggings with holes in them, so it’s important I don’t make a habit of it around my husband

Just a bit! Yuck, the preening! 🤮😅

Give me a man made in Yellowstone over a man Made in Chelsea any day of the week!!

I think what you describe is quite minor. It’s only a bit of hair and you say he is not smelly.

The only truly clean man I ever knew was my father who was immaculate every day of his life and spent longer than anyone in our family of five in the bathroom in the mornings. I find most men, especially younger ones, quite scruffy and slovenly. I don’t go round with Love Island types though. Exh’s personal hygiene wasn’t great but fortunately he wasn’t sweaty or hairy so he got away with it 🤣

As long as somebody is clean I honestly don’t have any issues with appearance. It really is nothing important and not what makes me love someone and find them attractive.
Presumably I am in a minority then?

Really, you find dry white flaking forehead skin everywhere more attractive? Everyone should moisturise, it's a basic like brushing your teeth.

no one believes you

That sounds more like a medical condition that needs treatment.
My late father had something similar and he had to use ointment prescribed by the GP.

Well that is your choice of course

Totally agree!! Obviously high on personal hygiene and smelling nice, getting rid of stray hairs, but anything else is over the top. Can’t imagine him having a cleanse tone moisturise routine 😂😂. In fact I’d find that a turn off as you say.

Mine is still good looking but doesn't make the effort