I'm so done with parenting teenagers

[whatifear]

really really REALLY had enough. I have signed myself off work because I just feel so miserable. I have 2 that are 15 and 18. the oldest one in particular is so so critical of everything I do all the time. wants my help but I'm never doing it right. I know that this is normal teenage behaviour but I think it steps into not normal. I have realised that I mustn't argue/disagree so thought the best approach was to listen and be non comical in responding etc. but that's not good enough. they get so angry with me and today there was a massive outburst and lots of crying because 'they can't speak to me'. I am totally bamboozled. this is just not true, they have always been able to talk to me about anything and everything. I know way more details about their lives than I wish I did I feel gas lit. it is a total onslaught of sustained criticism. I just can't take it anymore. I don't want to see them or speak to them. I will be expected to apologise and I will get another 'lecture' about how I was wrong and how they wanted me to react/what I should have said. I want them just to f off and leave me alone. I don't even care that they were upset. they keep creating conflicts out of thin air and I just don't want to bloody engage, go away

I don't think any of that is normal teenage behaviour at all, especially for an 18 year old.

Are these the kinds of people coming up in to the next generation? They can't be disagreed with or they cry?

Tell them to fuck off.

I agree, its not normal at all. My teenagers, while annoying at times, didn't react like that. However, on the bright side, if they feel they can emotionally offload to you like that, I'd do exactly the same to them. Be as brutal as you like and see how they like it. I would absolutely tell them to fuck off, leave the house for a while and let them get on with it. It sounds as though they are using you as a punch bag. Remove yourself from the situation and don't engage with them until they improve their attitude towards you.

I’d tell them to fuck off and leave you alone. I say that to my younger kids but in a politer way when they are being annoying

Are these the kinds of people coming up in to the next generation? They can't be disagreed with or they cry?

Nightmare.

Have you ever told her to get out of your house and only to come back when she has corrected her behaviour and apologises?

Don't allow her to behave like this, or to lecture you. She's meant to be a functional member of society, not some tantrumming child.

What is going on with the 18 year old in their life that you feel you know too much about? How do they want you to communicate with them?

Teens can be hard work but that doesn't sound normal OP.

No not normal, and you need to say that face to face. Tell them you will no longer be their whipping boy, and if they don't like it they know where the door is.

At that age you can criticise their behaviour and make it clear how they are making you feel. Particularly at 18. There is no need to avoid disagreeing with them - going into adulthood without being able to deal with disagreements is not great for them.

I went on strike for a week last summer and things have been better since then. Slowly I'm seeing some criticism and disrespect creep back and I'll go on strike again soon if he keeps at it. There are reasons to do with trauma in his childhood, and I've tolerated too much because of that, but at some point he has to take responsibility for himself and not blame me for everything.

Commiserations, OP. It's really hard.

Doesn't sound like regular teenage behaviour - has your 18year old got some mental health problems, as the way she is acting is not acceptable.

I wouldn't tell her to fuck off or to leave the home, but I think you can tell her that you're hurt and upset by the things she's said to you, and you need some time alone to get over it, and you do love her, but she needs to apologise.

Can you take yourself out, ideally for a couple of days, or even just for an afternoon at the cinema to get some time away from it all?

I hope she'll engage when she's calmed down. Is there a school or guidance counsellor she could talk to, as a first step.

I'd tell her to go and live elsewhere.

I certainly wouldn't be taking sick days off work due to her behaviour towards you. Tell her to fuck off out of your space.

Don't be taking no this shit off your 18 year old.
She is now legally an adult and will be respectful to you in your home or she can find someone else to put up with her shit.

Are you a single mum? Siblings & I had ZERO boundaries after parents split bc poor mum wouldn't put her foot down. It took her bursting into tears to realise. Regret it.

This is absolutely not how they should be behaving, nor should you tolerate it. I have one that age and there's no way he'd dare to treat me like that - I show him respect and I expect the same in return.

And to the pp questioning whether this is how the new generation of kids are - no, thankfully not most of them!

Op, you need to be tougher with them... imagine you'd behaved like that as a teen? I doubt your parents would have allowed it?

Yes you need to stop apologising and sometimes lose YOUR temper. Especially when you are tip toeing around them in any event.
It's half term so I'd just do your own thing and let them stew
Sometimes shock tactics are the best!

I feel like I'm loosing my mind. and my daughter. I had a bit of a break done after my OP. did some reflecting and conceded that I am stressed (in chronic pain from a disability which affects my mobility, mum died last year after 5 years illness, financial difficulties blah blah) so I haven't been the best parent, probably detached, irritable, sensitive, less supportive etc. I apologised and I thought yesterday that the air was cleared and we might be starting afresh. but it has quickly gone wrong again today. I upset her apparently by talking to her 'in a tone' about chores and again didn't respond when she talked to me about an issue (that we already discussed this morning). from my pov we have been talking since 8am, about her, her life, good and bad stuff. AND I'm the mum, surely taking a tone about chores is fairly standard without the kitchen ds having a mental breakdown

I honestly have no idea anymore if it is me or her. they are both telling me that I lie about what happened, who said what, how they said it. and I don't feel certain that they are wrong. I don't even know where to go from here. we just can't speak to each other without arguing

I agree. I have an aspie 20 year old who was a household terrorist when he lived here (he's in uni at the moment). I'm dreading him returning. He threatens to hurt himself if we give him so much as a look that he doesn't approve of. We're too old for this crap and it's been making us ill.

There comes a time when you just have to stop giving a shit.

She isn't seeing you as a separate, unique person with your own perspective and way of living life. She sees you only in the context of her need of you.

She is still young so I don't know how you broach this with her in a way to help her understand that this manner of engaging work you can't continue. Maybe some therapy (for you) might help with that.

But you can perhaps explain boundaries to her and start enforcing some of your own. Eg 'I can speak to you about this for 30 minutes, and then I have to her things to do'. 'I won't listen if you are shouting at me' (and leave if she shouts).

I get how hard it is though when it is irrational and gaslighting. You can use phrases like 'I remember that differently', 'I'm sorry you feel that way', 'I understand that is your opinion, but I feel differently'. You don't have to dance to her tune and you can try and stay true to yourself. Easier said than done, I know.

I am stressed (in chronic pain from a disability which affects my mobility, mum died last year after 5 years illness, financial difficulties blah blah) so I haven't been the best parent, probably detached, irritable, sensitive, less supportive etc Have they been the best teens? Perhaps tell them how sorry you are that they feel you’ve not been the best mum, but that you feel they haven’t been the easiest of kids.

I think a short, sharp shock is needed, along the lines of ‘Who the fuck do you think you’re talking to? I’m your mum, not your emotional punch bag, I will use whatever tone I want in my house and if you cannot handle a simple conversation about chores without crying, then you need to make a dr’s appointment or, if life here is so terrible for you, consider whether you’d be happier living elsewhere now that you’re 18’

I honestly have no idea anymore if it is me or her. they are both telling me that I lie about what happened, who said what, how they said it. and I don't feel certain that they are wrong. I don't even know where to go from here. we just can't speak to each other without arguing You can’t rely on emotional honesty from teenagers. They will do almost anything to weaken that bit of control you have and make you doubt your own judgement so they can use it to their own advantage. The only possible response here is ‘I am not arguing with you. This is my house, these are the rules and what I say goes. If you don’t like it, you can move out on your 18th birthday’

You sound completely broken and are still grieving. Have a day off and go out and have a nice day by yourself, go to the cinema or a museum or art gallery, eat somewhere nice and arrive home late. Do you have a friend or family member you could meet up with to have a bit if a moan?

The teenagers need to have explained to them that you are not their whipping dog but it might be better coming from someone else, e.g. do they have a grandparent or aunt or uncle they would listen to.

I spent a few years, 2 teens 2 years apart outwardly staying neutral with responses like "hmmm yeah", "if that's what you think is best" while inwardly thinking god give me fucking strength! I did a lot of acknowledging but not engaging in stuff that wasn't particularly important to me (or them in the grand scheme of things)

I think my eldest has ADHD but she isn't diagnosed. she was assessed around age 6 but they didn't think so. but she has so many traits. she is very intense

this is exactly right, she doesn't view me as my own person. she is trying to control me do that I am like her. I have been trying to tell her this today. I need time to think and process if we have argued but she won't let me have that time. she needs me to talk about it straight away. and talk about it until she has convinced me that her perspective is correct. and quite often I concede, just to make it stop