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Original poster

How you doing deal with missing physical touch as a long term single?

40 replies

Scottysmydog · 17/02/2025 02:15

Im in my late sixties and lost my DP a couple of years ago. I know realistically I'm not going to have another relationship now. But I really miss physical touch i.e hugs, shoulder rubs and back massages etc, and just basically human touch. It makes me sad to think I won't have that again and it makes me feel lonely I'm not talking about anything sexual. It's not the type of contact you can have with friends or family either as it's too intimate although not sexual. I don't know if I'm strange for wanting and missing this but I can't see any solution either. Wasn't sure where to place this post, Chat might not be the best pace.

OP posts:
buffyfaithspikeangel · 17/02/2025 02:31

My dad met someone new and he's 75, they've been together a couple of years now Smile met in the local pub!

For me I have a friend that I've slept with previously, but he's in AA (long story, he's 3 years sober)
We both said about missing physical touch but he doesn't feel ready to have sex with his recovery. So we curl up on the sofa together, he rubs my back or my feet, and we cuddle
Sounds odd probably but it feels right and there's nothing sexual really about it, it's just like draping myself over a very old friend!

Original poster
Scottysmydog · 17/02/2025 02:37

Aw that sounds really lovely @buffyfaithspikeangel for both your dad and you to have found someone. Perhaps I'm giving up hope too easily

OP posts:
Original poster
Scottysmydog · 17/02/2025 02:51

Sorry the title was meant to be How do you deal etc. It's the middle of the night, can't sleep and my brain's not in gear haha

OP posts:

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Middlechild3 · 17/02/2025 04:32

I think massages and some beauty treatments etc may serve this purpose to an extent.

scalt · 17/02/2025 06:18

This might sound silly, but there are "cuddle parties" or "cuddle workshops" (google them): events where strangers can chat and cuddle, because lack of physical touch and oxytocin is a well-known problem among single people, and lots of people don't like even talking about cuddling, never mind actually doing it. These parties are very friendly, and have rules such as no undressing, no sexual behaviour, and very importantly, that you must ask before cuddling anybody, and to use that MN cliché, "no is a complete sentence".

I used to go to them about twenty years ago, when they were almost unheard of England (they're very popular in the USA). They were attended by people of all ages, and usually began with the rules being carefully explained, and everyone practising saying "no". Everyone I told about these parties looked at me as if I was mad, but I loved them, went to them a lot when I was single, and always came away from them feeling very happy.

Pancakeorcrepe · 17/02/2025 07:02

OP you say that you don’t think you could ask your friends to hug you, but just to let you know they may be more than willing. I wasn’t in the habit of hugging a particular friend but we started recently to hug when we greet each other and she always says how much she appreciates the hug. She too is in her late sixties and lost her partner.

discdiscsnap · 17/02/2025 07:12

I read (probably on here!)about a woman in a similar situation. She would hug/hold hands with friends and said tgat managed her need for touch.

Changethenameagain · 17/02/2025 07:16

I'm a long time widow.
I used to ache for physical touch.
I don't anymore , I've got used to it now.
But I do think it's affected my perception of myself: made me feel even more cut off and isolated from people.

RollerSkateLikePeggy · 17/02/2025 07:35

I used to go for occasional massages and it has always stuck with me that one time the masseuse mentioned she had a client who came weekly, as that was the only time anyone touched her. I am married, but one day likely to be the only one left so I imagine I will do the same.

MumofSpud · 17/02/2025 07:56

I am in a similar position to you and was recently thinking about this - lack of physical touch (non sexual)
Strategies:
regular massages ('normal' ones not Brian from Hull typeGrin)
Regular physio
Cat and dog get more cuddles
A back scratcher (Used to love DH scratching my back!)

I think it's this sort of touch that I miss more

CalicoPusscat · 17/02/2025 08:03

Love it, I'm not a tactile person. Closest I got this week was when I squeezed my brother's arm after our mum died. He's not tactile either.

That's not really helpful though, perhaps try to meet someone on the same page who would like cuddles without any sexual intent? Don't think it's over, you're still relatively young. Plenty of people enjoy snuggling up. Massages for the time being?

CalicoPusscat · 17/02/2025 08:04

A cat or dog? I'm sounding stupider by the minute!!

RenegadeMister · 17/02/2025 08:17

I remember silently sobbing during a massage post-divorce, didn't realise how much I'd missed being touched gently and with care. I'd definitely try a massage OP, although it can't meet that middle of the night need, it might ease things for you.

I found one of those really long pillows (maternity type) nice to cuddle in to at night. And a hot water bottle/electric blanket- being in bed alone is cold!

Have a think about people around you and who, historically, might be the most huggy! Similar to a pp, I have certain friends and family that always greet with a hug. It became the norm during a difficult time but I appreciate it so much (despite never really being a hugger).

And lastly, please don't give up hope/write yourself off, if that's not what you want Flowers

helpfulperson · 17/02/2025 08:17

Pets are good for this. I also get regular massage and facial.

RenegadeMister · 17/02/2025 08:20

CalicoPusscat · 17/02/2025 08:04

A cat or dog? I'm sounding stupider by the minute!!

Also, this isn't a stupid suggestion, especially if it's something OP was considering! Pets can be comforting 😊 having something around can take the edge off loneliness- me and my dog have some great chats. He's a good listener!

CorsicaDreaming · 17/02/2025 08:25

CalicoPusscat · 17/02/2025 08:04

A cat or dog? I'm sounding stupider by the minute!!

I think this and massages are a good solution

My friend is now single and has a retired racing greyhound - it is the most lovely placid calm dog with smooth silky fur and I can imagine it would be a lovely companion. They actually only need two twenty minute walks a day apparently- and a good run occasionally - and otherwise are quite happy to be just around the house.

EBearhug · 17/02/2025 08:32

Regular massages

HibbidyHabbidyHoo · 17/02/2025 08:37

A weighted blanket helps

Summerhillsquare · 17/02/2025 08:38

Cats!

Beebsta · 17/02/2025 08:48

Every time I get a massage I think that if I was missing human touch I would get regular massages. Same for facials.

Otherwise the suggestion of getting a dog is a good one. While it’s not a human touch it will give you lots of affection and joy.

DancingLions · 17/02/2025 08:55

I have 2 very affectionate cats, so much so I sometimes end up feeling "touched out" 😂They're also both very fluffy so it's like live teddy bears!

But then I'm not a fan of human touch in general. Not a hugger, a massage is my idea of hell etc. So the cats more than meet my requirements.

OnlyTodayJo · 17/02/2025 08:56

I know the feeling. But I don’t even like hugs from anyone else. DH was the only adult I willingly let hug me, and I miss this so much. I have a young child who still hugs but in a couple of years she probably won’t anymore and that’s it. For various reasons I know I won’t have another relationship but I still have potentially several decades to live. I hope I will eventually get used to it like Changethenameagain.

MrsPepperpotsCat · 17/02/2025 09:03

OnlyTodayJo · 17/02/2025 08:56

I know the feeling. But I don’t even like hugs from anyone else. DH was the only adult I willingly let hug me, and I miss this so much. I have a young child who still hugs but in a couple of years she probably won’t anymore and that’s it. For various reasons I know I won’t have another relationship but I still have potentially several decades to live. I hope I will eventually get used to it like Changethenameagain.

Why do you think your young child won't want to hug you in a few years time? I don't think hugging ever stops from your children. Mine is 15 and still hugs me all the time. Build it into your every day x

VWT5 · 17/02/2025 09:08

As a widow I recall being lane swimming at the pool and a pleasant family man in the next lane (was interested in my hand paddles for strength training) put his hand flat on top of mine (innocently to compare hand size vs paddle size) - and it sent a shock through me. The realisation that no one had touched me for 2 years and the sudden physical sensation - warm, surprising, lovely - but sad all at the same time.

I see a sports therapist for massage sometimes which is lovely.

Ditto, don’t rule out meeting a companion…

blobby10 · 17/02/2025 09:32

@Scottysmydog I'm 55 and feel the same. Divorced 10 years ago, met someone else a couple of years later but he died in 2022 after a breakdown/alcoholism. I can't bring myself to actively search for another partner as I can't face the emotion of another breakup/loss but I do really miss the physical contact (even amazing bear hugs from my two sons and my dad don't quite match). I have regular sports massage from an amazing therapist but its not the same as cuddling up to someone, holding hands etc.

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