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Original poster

How you doing deal with missing physical touch as a long term single?

40 replies

Scottysmydog · 17/02/2025 02:15

Im in my late sixties and lost my DP a couple of years ago. I know realistically I'm not going to have another relationship now. But I really miss physical touch i.e hugs, shoulder rubs and back massages etc, and just basically human touch. It makes me sad to think I won't have that again and it makes me feel lonely I'm not talking about anything sexual. It's not the type of contact you can have with friends or family either as it's too intimate although not sexual. I don't know if I'm strange for wanting and missing this but I can't see any solution either. Wasn't sure where to place this post, Chat might not be the best pace.

OP posts:

OnlyTodayJo · 17/02/2025 09:35

MrsPepperpotsCat · 17/02/2025 09:03

Why do you think your young child won't want to hug you in a few years time? I don't think hugging ever stops from your children. Mine is 15 and still hugs me all the time. Build it into your every day x

Show quote history

Her older sister doesn’t so I assumed she would also stop.

Untrained · 17/02/2025 10:57

Oh OP I know how you feel. My husbands hugs are one of the things I miss most about him! It will be seven years this year since he died and it does get easier.

noego · 17/02/2025 11:28

Skinship!! it's a thing. Companion with non sexual benefits. Although the skinship that I have does include intimate touching.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Dating General relationships

Original poster

Scottysmydog · 17/02/2025 12:15

scalt · 17/02/2025 06:18

This might sound silly, but there are "cuddle parties" or "cuddle workshops" (google them): events where strangers can chat and cuddle, because lack of physical touch and oxytocin is a well-known problem among single people, and lots of people don't like even talking about cuddling, never mind actually doing it. These parties are very friendly, and have rules such as no undressing, no sexual behaviour, and very importantly, that you must ask before cuddling anybody, and to use that MN cliché, "no is a complete sentence".

I used to go to them about twenty years ago, when they were almost unheard of England (they're very popular in the USA). They were attended by people of all ages, and usually began with the rules being carefully explained, and everyone practising saying "no". Everyone I told about these parties looked at me as if I was mad, but I loved them, went to them a lot when I was single, and always came away from them feeling very happy.

I've never heard of this!! I will definitely have a look into it 😊

OP posts:

Original poster

Scottysmydog · 17/02/2025 12:16

Middlechild3 · 17/02/2025 04:32

I think massages and some beauty treatments etc may serve this purpose to an extent.

I do enjoy going to the hairdresser's and definitely think regular massages would help, thanks

OP posts:

Original poster

Scottysmydog · 17/02/2025 12:17

Changethenameagain · 17/02/2025 07:16

I'm a long time widow.
I used to ache for physical touch.
I don't anymore , I've got used to it now.
But I do think it's affected my perception of myself: made me feel even more cut off and isolated from people.

Yes I totally understand that x

OP posts:

Original poster

Scottysmydog · 17/02/2025 12:20

MumofSpud · 17/02/2025 07:56

I am in a similar position to you and was recently thinking about this - lack of physical touch (non sexual)
Strategies:
regular massages ('normal' ones not Brian from Hull type)
Regular physio
Cat and dog get more cuddles
A back scratcher (Used to love DH scratching my back!)

I think it's this sort of touch that I miss more

Haha definitely no Brian from Hull! A back scratcher is a brilliant idea!

OP posts:

FinallyHere · 17/02/2025 12:20

Middlechild3 · 17/02/2025 04:32

I think massages and some beauty treatments etc may serve this purpose to an extent.

I agree

Cookerhood · 17/02/2025 12:26

I miss this too having lost my husband recently. Fortunately my children are huggers but not here often enough! Heated blanket has helped in bed.
I recently met a new friend (older than me, also widowed) who is a toucher & a hugger & it's lovely! Not the same as cuddling up in bed or on the sofa though.

Original poster

Scottysmydog · 17/02/2025 12:34

Thank you so much everyone for your suggestions, they are really helpful and knowing other people feel the same makes me feel more normal. I'm sorry for everyone else who is missing it too, it's really hard and can make you feel unwanted and lonely.
I'm definitely going to try massages, be a bit more huggy with friends and family ( the ones that like it obviously, I know some people don't) and I have been actually thinking of getting a dog so that was a great suggestion. I'll have to do a bit of research into that to find the right type for me. I'd like a rescue dog if possible. I love cats but I think you get a bit more of a relationship and company with a dog.
So glad I posted on here as it's helped me see there are ways that I can ease this feeling.
@VWT5 Your story about the swimming pool really resonated with me, that sudden touch when you've had none for so long, very poignant x

OP posts:

YogaLite · 17/02/2025 12:46

OP, never say never.

After living with no close touch for c 20 years, I also got the jolt like one of pps when joining ceroc dancing classes. That was before covid.

Angela Rippon is starting Let's Dance, see if there is any venue near you (2 March is the inauguration). It's not only a bit of exercise but who knows, u could catch someone's eye across the room. Best friendships I find are made through shared fun activities.

I also have a small group of friends whom we meet about once a month and we always hug. Ditto I would hug someone I know who might be celebrating a birthday.

But I don't like strangers in my personal space so beauty treatments or massages don't do anything for me.

I personally know of two widowers, really nice guys so there are genuine men around, one of them even likes dancing.

lets-dance.org.uk/

FinallyHere · 17/02/2025 12:51

I'm a very huggy person, give people a hug at the drop of a hat. Mostly I can tell from body language who is happy to join in and who not so that I. can smoothly put the brakes on at a good distance to anyone who does not seem receptive to hugs.

Just mime the hug and air kiss from a distance and hope to remember for future

An even better approach was demonstrated by a colleague who cane over as if to shake hands at going home time and asked with the sketch of a formal bow whether I would like a hug.

Turns out that although he is known to be quite grumpy and a tad abrasive, he gives great hugs.

Completely not handsy at all and very very welcome. His hello and goodby e hug is now a highlight of any visit to that office for me. It is possible to have non sexual contact with friends and colleagues.

OhBow · 17/02/2025 12:54

Thanks for starting this thread OP. There are some really great ideas here.

I'd also add those plug-in heated back massager thingys.

Original poster

Scottysmydog · 17/02/2025 22:04

I tried one of those long pillows but couldn't really get comfortable with it. I've fished out my hot water bottle though, going to cuddle that tonight.
Have you got a link to the heated back massagers @OhBow ? That sounds quite nice. I hold a lot of tension in my back and shoulders

OP posts:

OhBow · 17/02/2025 23:05

The one I have is on Amazon, search for 'Neck Massager, Deep Tissue 3D Kneading, by iKristin', it's £31.99 at the moment. You can get different sizes and shapes though.

The other day I was at someone's house and they had a heated throw but it was in a kind of shawl shape just for the shoulders and upper back. I bet that would be nice too.

I have an electric blanket in bed, and wear bedsocks. Basically I go for as much warm soft stuff against my skin as possible!

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