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Original poster

Son bringing "girlfriend" home

63 replies

navigatinglifewithteenagers · 16/02/2025 23:54

My 17 year old son has a "friend" who he meets up with occasionally. Apparently she's not a girlfriend but more of a friends with benefits. They've known each other a long time, get on well and are good mates.

On Valentine's Day evening he asked us if we were planning to go out as he'd like to bring her home after they'd been out for dinner. We were staying in so he didn't.

We haven't met her and, as she's not a girlfriend as such, I doubt she's going to want to come when we are home and meet the parents!

This made me think generally about what age/stage do you let your young adults bring a partner home to stay the night and would you have any "rules" around this?

In my mind I'd like to think they are in a "proper" relationship and that I'd met her a number of times.

In addition, I'd want him to be sure she's of a similar age, or older.

Oh and I don't want to hear them up to anything!!!!

OP posts:
polinkhausive · 17/02/2025 07:22

I am surprised that your 17 year old has a good friend he has known for a long time that you haven't met even once

I think my rule would be that they need to be someone that my child has introduced to me properly, e.g. has come over for dinner

Ferrazzuoli · 17/02/2025 07:23

My DS had his girlfriend to stay over when they were both 17 and had been together for a few months.

Original poster
navigatinglifewithteenagers · 17/02/2025 07:40

Mulledjuice · 17/02/2025 06:43

If they're good mates why hasn't she/can't she be at the house at other times, for lunch or dinner or whatever, and you can meet her?

Agree with PP that bantering about FWB and saying he's being very respectful doesn't really go together.

It was just a bit of a lighthearted conversation, ie "are you going out for Valentine's night, if so perhaps i can bring * round"! All said with a slight smile to get a response from me.

OP posts:
renomeno · 17/02/2025 07:45

From what I understand teens now describe relationships quite differently than we did, my son has had a few girlfriends but from the way they describe it 'it's casual' and don't use the terminology (this is from the girls side as much as the boys). Had you not been at home they probably would have come home to 'hang out' and have sex, personally I wouldn't have an issue with that as long as they both used protection etc. I think a lot of people are misunderstanding how teens view relationships these days!

Climbinghigher · 17/02/2025 07:48

We have adult children and a friend in thirties living with us. Our rule is in an established relationship. It’s not so much about the sex - although don’t want to hear it - but more about not wanting a bunch of randoms in our home. It’s a family home, not a shared house, so if people (including friend who lives here rent free) want the freedom to bring someone they met that night or someone they found on the internet home to shag they need to be paying rent somewhere else.

There are many advantages to living in this house, but one disadvantage is you have to think of others & not bring a succession of random strangers home for a shag.

Hoolihan · 17/02/2025 07:51

Wouldn't have a problem with this at all and I'm very surprised by the previous responses. My son had his gf stay over from 16.

Tbh I am very encouraging of all real life interactions - I'd rather he was shagging than sitting in his room on his own on his phone/xbox!

Climbinghigher · 17/02/2025 07:53

renomeno · 17/02/2025 07:45

From what I understand teens now describe relationships quite differently than we did, my son has had a few girlfriends but from the way they describe it 'it's casual' and don't use the terminology (this is from the girls side as much as the boys). Had you not been at home they probably would have come home to 'hang out' and have sex, personally I wouldn't have an issue with that as long as they both used protection etc. I think a lot of people are misunderstanding how teens view relationships these days!

This is true - which is why I go with my definition of a relationship. Tbh it’s not been an issue other than me having to tell friend that no his Tinder date he had met for 5 minutes a few days before couldn’t come and hang out here. He says he didn’t want her to anyway (which is probably true).

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 17/02/2025 08:04

Maggispice · 17/02/2025 00:23

When he's able to take financial and psychological responsibility for a child.

Show quote history

Hopefully he's been parented well enough to make sure there is no child until they are financially and psychologically ready. Did you wait to have sex until this was the case? I didn't but I was when I had a child.

ooooohnoooooo · 17/02/2025 08:08

Rule in our house was we had to have met the person , had a dinner with them, know their name 😬. And that our home wasn't a shag pad for all and sundry.

Worked well even during one child's, ahem, hedonistic phase.

My children's sex lives are private and their own business, they can shag who they want to. But I'm not willing to have a bunch of strange people bumping into me on the landing in my pants.

polinkhausive · 17/02/2025 08:09

renomeno · 17/02/2025 07:45

From what I understand teens now describe relationships quite differently than we did, my son has had a few girlfriends but from the way they describe it 'it's casual' and don't use the terminology (this is from the girls side as much as the boys). Had you not been at home they probably would have come home to 'hang out' and have sex, personally I wouldn't have an issue with that as long as they both used protection etc. I think a lot of people are misunderstanding how teens view relationships these days!

I don't think it's necessarily a moral judgement people are making - but more not feeling comfortable with having someone they don't know at all overnight in their home

BunnyLake · 17/02/2025 08:15

Quitelikeit · 17/02/2025 03:40

I think it’s very controlling to state that you’d allow her there if she was his gf but now won’t because she is a fwb

I think you're allowed to control some of the rules in your own house.

fiorentina · 17/02/2025 08:22

To answer your question, whilst my DC are not as old, many of my friends DC are older teens and have been allowed long term boyfriends or girlfriends to stay since college age - 16+. It’s up to you if you’re happy with this, but having some ground rules agreed helps to maintain respectful boundaries.

samlovesdilys · 17/02/2025 08:26

Can I offer an alternative view? If my child is having sex I would rather it was in a safe place where contraception was available, and they felt able to say no if wanted. And that is home. If they want to have sex they will, I would rather it was here than outside somewhere/on the car etc.

icclemunchy · 17/02/2025 08:49

As long as they're over 16 I wouldn't have a problem. Mine aren't quite that old yet but I've spent all their lives installing in them enthusiastic consent, alongside talking about being safe/using contraception and making good choices for them.

If they want to have sex they're going to, I'd rather it was in my house than some grubby back alley. We already have plenty of open chats about sex, relationships, sexuality and the like, I don't see any reason for that to change in the next couple of years. We have basic rules around being respectful to other people in the home anyway, which will cover any scenario where they want to bring someone home.

Its not for me to judge the choices they make just because they're not the same as my own.

JollyLilacBee · 17/02/2025 08:57

I’m not sure if I would be comfortable with it. Not so much about the sex but I would wonder why I hadn’t met her if they are such good friends. My Dd brought a friend home from uni recently, I have no idea if there is more than that going on but I felt comfortable with it because he ate dinner with us, chatted to us and joined in with our family weekend.

OverTheTopOfTheMountain · 17/02/2025 09:07

I didn’t stop ds to bring anyone home at that age, regardless of circumstances.

Theyre having sex anyway. Telling your ds (or mine) he can’t bring her wouldn’t change anything. Wouldn’t make a difference about her age etc….

Id have more issue with him having issue bringing that friend meeting us tbh.

OverTheTopOfTheMountain · 17/02/2025 09:12

Also your ds is nearly an adult at 17yo.
Having rules about ‘bring a proper gf, being the same age, having met her’ etc… sounds crazy to me. I mean in September he’ll be at Uni? Do you think he’ll conform to any of those then?
And do you really think you can tell him who he is going to fall in love woth/have sex/what type of relationship etc….?

Please treat him like the adult he nearly is.

StarlightLady · 17/02/2025 09:12

At that age (quite a while ago, l’m in my 40s), mum would let me bring a boy home if she knew them and liked them. The depth of the “relationship” or otherwise was very much a separate issue. Some evolved and became serious others didn’t. Consent and safety were the key issues. But girls/young women are more at risk.

Mum and dad both knew l was having sex by then, but l never had sex at home when they were in.

irregularegular · 17/02/2025 09:16

Until now this question had only come up when they were in a proper boyfriend/girlfriend relationship (and they were over 18) so that was an easy yes. I was a bit thrown more recently as our 22 year old daughter is living with us again for a bit after graduating and asked if a man she had seen a few times could stay the night. She made clear it was "very casual" but as he is also living at home, they had nowhere to go. Which was fair enough really, but also a bit awkward. I decided the rule was she had to at least introduce him to us first. She declined that first time, but soon afterwards he said hello and stayed. It's tricky. If she was at university or sharing a first place with friends then she'd have her own space and freedom and I wouldn't think anything of her having a sex life outside a serious relationship. What are they supposed to do?

PaperAeroplane · 17/02/2025 09:17

I have a son and our rule is girlfriends yes, one night stands/ absolutely not. Girlfriends staying over was allowed from 21, probably would have been earlier but age 18-20 was in covid lockdowns.

Busyrelax · 17/02/2025 09:21

I'd be having a conversation about whether she knows she's fwb. I don't think it's usual to make special plans for Valentine's with a fwb...?

SheilaFentiman · 17/02/2025 09:22

I am surprised that your 17 year old has a good friend he has known for a long time that you haven't met even once

Really? I assume they know each other through school or college, and at this age (probably year 13) they will hang out in free periods or after school much more than going to each others houses.

DS has a variety of male friends that I haven’t met (same age) though I might have dropped him outside their house, say

Silvercoconut · 17/02/2025 09:23

DiscoBeat · 17/02/2025 01:20

Our oldest is 17, and his girlfriend is the same age. They haven't got into a physical relationship yet but if they wanted to stay overnight that would be OK by us. They've been together 18 months and are very sensible. Also his older siblings come and stay with their girlfriends/wives so I don't see it any differently really.

Well you THINK they haven't gotten physical yet, but are you joking? Together 18 months?
I very much doubt you're right.

StarlightLady · 17/02/2025 09:23

To add to my comments up thread, l’m totally perplexed by reference to so called “randoms”. The OP has not mentioned this, she has expressed concern about one girl coming back whom the son has known for a long time. Only the son and the young woman concerned know the depth of their friendship. But there is no implication of a revolving door.

OnaMatUpHere · 17/02/2025 09:28

Using the phrase knocking shop seems to imply that you think the friend is a prostitute. Are women not allowed to have casual sex?

Personally I wouldn't be so controlling of my children's sex life. I trust them to make good decisions and this house is also their home.