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Original poster

Would you go on a long drive immediately after your parent dies?

47 replies

Strawberrysparkle123 · 15/02/2025 07:31

I’ll give some context. My Dad is very ill in hospital after a long illness. I live over 4 hours away. Family situation is very complicated -my parents separated a long time ago, I have no siblings and dad was in a care home.

hospital called me in the week to say he was deteriorating, come up so I have and am staying with my Mum. It sounds like he may die in the next day or 2 from what the doctors are saying, and this sounds awful but all I want to do is go home to my husband and kids when it happens.

am I mad to be thinking of driving back home, 4 hours away, when dealing with this? It has been a very long time coming so I am prepared although I know it will hit me like a truck when it does. I just feel like I need to grieve where I feel safe and comfortable and I don’t think I can be at my Mums (also the ‘family’ home I grew up in) when or after it happens.

OP posts:

ThreeMagicNumber · 15/02/2025 08:02

No one will be able to tell you for sure how you will cope but when my mum died I'd been in the hospice for three days. It was only the last night I actually got any sleep. She died at half two in the afternoon and I drove home, it was only half an hour but I'd cared for her for three months since she was diagnosed and she was only 65. We were super close but I never cried when it happened and this weird calm came over me initially . I think I'd have managed it. Will you not need to be there though to organise the funeral initially? My mil died last November and DH could have done it too, she'd been ill awhile and we knew it was coming.

muddyford · 15/02/2025 08:04

I'll be staying with my father in their house. Not sure how I will cope with that as I have never been when Mum wasn't there. And I can't take anyone either. CS Lewis said grief is like fear and I have that same feeling of butterflies in the stomach and sense of impending horror. There is nothing redeeming about this at all.

Marinel · 15/02/2025 08:08

I recently lost a parent and had to do a fairly long drive that same day and I was fine to do it. I felt worse a few days later, so it's entirely possible you will be okay to manage the drive straight afterwards. Play it by ear.

SussexPup · 15/02/2025 08:08

I have been through various types of hell in the last year and at times all I have wanted is to be at home, even if it meant driving for 4 hours….sometimes I wanted to be anywhere but home…..you will know what you want to do and can do at the time.

FlameOfFlowers · 15/02/2025 08:14

My Mum was in a cancer hospital local to her for a week before she died. I drove over every evening for visiting hours and back, 1 hour each way. When visiting hours no longer apply for end of life care patients I was with her for 12 hours, we did shifts with my siblings. On the morning she died I couldn't sleep so I drove over at 4am. She died shortly after I arrived and about 30 minutes later I drove home because I just wanted to be with my husband and my children.

The next day we drove back over to meet with the funeral director and back home again as we had someone babysitting the children. It didn't truly sink in for a few days and the grief and magnitude of it hit after the funeral which occurred 10 days after she died.

I think sometimes the focus on just getting home helps but plan for stops and have food and drink in the car ready to replenish you. It might taste like sawdust but you need to fuel your body. I am sorry that you are going through this, it is completely shit

RancidRuby · 15/02/2025 08:17

I did a similar length journey when my mum died. I'd been at her bedside for two nights and had barely slept but I had a 1 year old (still breast fed and co-sleeping) and a 3 year old at home who I was just desperate to get home to. I stopped frequently and drank shit loads of coffee, drove steadily and stayed mostly in the first lane. It was fine although in hindsight it was probably not a great idea, but impulse took over and I just had to get home.

Play it by ear, OP, see how you feel when it happens. Is there an option to get a train home and then go back to retrieve your car at a later date?

Coconutter24 · 15/02/2025 08:19

Strawberrysparkle123 · 15/02/2025 07:49

Well this is the thing really @myplace - the drive will have to happen soon enough as can’t stay here long term!

The biggest danger will be the distraction. If you’re thinking of your dad and not concentrating you become a danger to yourself and others

namechangeeeeee4 · 15/02/2025 08:22

I drove home after my child died. It was earlier than expected and a bit over an hour. The police attending didn't seem to have an issue with it.

LavenderFields7 · 15/02/2025 08:25

No I think it’s a bad idea. You will be a danger to yourself and others on the road. Especially if you are driving down a motorway wiping tears away. Don’t do it.

OnlyWhenILaugh · 15/02/2025 08:32

The potential lack of sleep would be my concern together with the the idea of processing what's happened as you drive.
A four hour drive needs focus and concentration. It's entirely possible you will be able and safe to make that drive, but please consider the wider safety aspects when you make your decision not just your desire to get home.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 15/02/2025 08:39

Don't drive for at least 24 hours and be very mindful of your concentration when you do. I nearly had a bad accident driving when under stress.

Original poster

Strawberrysparkle123 · 15/02/2025 08:45

@ThreeMagicNumber I will need to be here to manage the funeral but then these things also take time and I will definitely need to get home and see my kids and manage life in between….

OP posts:

LynetteScavo · 15/02/2025 09:20

I think as long as you're well rested, only you will know if you're capable to drive. The grief isn't going to magical disappear after a certain time. I take a while to process things, so immediately after something happens I would be more focussed than the next day. Everyone is different. So sorry you're dealing with this.

BigDahliaFan · 15/02/2025 15:37

I remember driving back a couple of days after my mum's funeral ....6 hours down the motorway on my own crying the entire way. She'd been ill a while and it wasn't the only time I cried all the way on that drive. It probably wasn't the safest thing in retrospect....

soupyspoon · 15/02/2025 15:42

Are you up near the hospital now? Could you drive home now and then get public transport back again and stay in a hotel? Then get public transport back again

madamweb · 15/02/2025 15:44

You need to just have some back up plans in case you realise you arent fit to drive at any point.

Sometimes I find driving soothing at difficult times, other times I know I would not be safe.

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 15/02/2025 15:45

I went into survival mode. I had to do things in the immediate aftermath and a long drive would have been perfect. I couldn't have done it 24 hours later but I was hyper focused straight after because I was trying not to believe it. Until it happens you won't know unfortunately

Teaandapple · 15/02/2025 15:51

My mother died in hospital in the early hours of the morning at least two hours drive away from my home. My brother and sister stayed in a hotel, they live a lot further away than me so had no choice, but I decided to drive home. I took the drive really carefully and I can’t tell you how glad I was to be able to crawl into my own bed with my husband who held me as I went to sleep.

Sohereitissuddenly · 15/02/2025 15:53

I did this.

My Dad died from pancreatic cancer two years ago. It was a terrible and traumatic week. I live 4 hours away. It was complicated but I went home the day he died.

I was in the verge of a massive row with my sibling and my child with SEN needed to go home as we'd been away for several days...it was all too much so I just got on and did it.

I felt better being at home with my surroundings in some ways but awful because nobody here knew him. The world was turning as if nothing had happened and it was terrible for me. I had a hug from a kind neighbour but not much support otherwise.

The drive itself was fine. I suppose it depends what you are like as a driver. I can switch off and focus when I have to. I had to drive after other trauma before and did so safely. Adrenaline gets you through.

katseyes7 · 15/02/2025 15:57

I did, but l had no choice.
I lived over 100 miles away and when l got the phone call to say my mother had died (by suicide, but l didn't find that out until l got there, thank god they didn't tell me before) l had to drive back 'home'.
I'm an only child and I had no one I knew living near me who could help.
I was very calm (in shock, l suppose) and got there safely, didn't rush.
I put my 'go to' music on, loud, which l always did when l drove home and back, and that normalised it for me. I had to go and see the funeral director, too.
My cousin insisted l stay over with them that night, which she was right to do, bless her, because l lived alone and she didn't want me going home to an empty place.
I was fine until l got to her house, her young son (he was twelve) was the only one at home, he took my bag from me, hugged me, and said he'd put the kettle on. And that's when l cried.
But everyone's different. I think you need to judge it as and when.

desperatedaysareover · 15/02/2025 16:18

Totally understand wanting to be with your kids. When my mum died I just wanted to go and climb in beside them and look at them. I was standing in the hospital in the middle of the night looking at her lying dead and thinking I want my children. I’m not usually the type to overly miss them 🙃

Just make sure you’re not tired and you’re fit to concentrate. It sounds risky to me and I’d be thinking what if something happens to you but you know best how much emotion affects you. I drove home at about 20mph but that’s because of road conditions. I don’t think I could have done four hours but I do remember urgently needing to go.

Really sorry OP

Ddakji · 15/02/2025 16:25

I think that’s fine - I know people who did exactly that with no problem at all.

Not everyone is prostrate with grief immediately.

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