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Original poster

Would you go on a long drive immediately after your parent dies?

47 replies

Strawberrysparkle123 · 15/02/2025 07:31

I’ll give some context. My Dad is very ill in hospital after a long illness. I live over 4 hours away. Family situation is very complicated -my parents separated a long time ago, I have no siblings and dad was in a care home.

hospital called me in the week to say he was deteriorating, come up so I have and am staying with my Mum. It sounds like he may die in the next day or 2 from what the doctors are saying, and this sounds awful but all I want to do is go home to my husband and kids when it happens.

am I mad to be thinking of driving back home, 4 hours away, when dealing with this? It has been a very long time coming so I am prepared although I know it will hit me like a truck when it does. I just feel like I need to grieve where I feel safe and comfortable and I don’t think I can be at my Mums (also the ‘family’ home I grew up in) when or after it happens.

OP posts:
Dogthespot · 15/02/2025 07:33

No one can possibly advise you on this Op as each person’s experience of losing someone is so truly unique

Dogthespot · 15/02/2025 07:34

Won’t you want to be with your mother?

bozzabollix · 15/02/2025 07:34

As a driving instructor one thing I cover is the effect of emotions on driving. Personally I wouldn’t, I can’t imagine you’ll be feeling at all normal. I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through this.

BleachedJumper · 15/02/2025 07:34

I would, but I’d find a long drive like that quite therapeutic, and often times in the past have taken a long drive to nowhere to clear my head/listen to some favourite music loudly.

Im sorry that you are going through this, it’s never an easy time losing a parent💐

AgnesX · 15/02/2025 07:37

Grief is very tiring and takes up a lot of headspace.

Personally I wouldn't have been capable of driving for anything like 4 hours on busy roads. Have you got anyone to go with you?

Original poster
Strawberrysparkle123 · 15/02/2025 07:37

No - as I said it is complicated, they separated many years ago. I’m staying with her because it’s convenient but I don’t really want to be around her when it happens.

OP posts:
muddyford · 15/02/2025 07:37

I have this dilemma. Mother very ill in hospital, five hours drive away. DH is disabled and I am his carer. I am going to see her for a few days, but doubt I'll be around for her death. It's so bloody difficult and hopeless and I can empathise with you. Thinking of you and everyone faced with a similar impossible situation.

Ilovelowry · 15/02/2025 07:38

OP I'm really sorry. For me four hours would be fine, I might find it nice to tune out, listen to music and dissociate from what's going on.

Dogthespot · 15/02/2025 07:39

Strawberrysparkle123 · 15/02/2025 07:37

No - as I said it is complicated, they separated many years ago. I’m staying with her because it’s convenient but I don’t really want to be around her when it happens.

In that case, I would drive

InfoSecInTheCity · 15/02/2025 07:40

I think you will decide at the time what feels right, however I would say it's probably not a good idea.

I've lost both my parents and it's really hard to describe how you feel afterwards.

With my mum, I was 21 and it was sudden and completely unexpected. I could barely think for a couple of days afterwards, would find myself just sitting down and zoning out for hours, it was like my brain shut down whenever it wasn't completely necessary to be functional.

With my dad, I was 28, he was ill for a while, we knew he was dying but we didn't know he was dying that quickly, so it still felt sudden but I felt better prepared. I probably could have managed a drive but would be concerned that especially on the long quiet stretches where there is nothing to keep me alert that my mind would have wandered.

Lastknownaddress · 15/02/2025 07:41

I would, but I would map out some stops along the way in case you need it. Including an over nighter.

4 hours doesn't sound a lot but we lost a friend who misjudged a turning shortly after his Mum died. Not worth the risk.

Original poster
Strawberrysparkle123 · 15/02/2025 07:43

@BleachedJumper I think that is where my headspace is at the moment too. The long drive back and forth has been where I have processes so much over the years.

@AgnesX not really as everyone up here belongs here if that makes sense! Can’t take someone 4 hours away as they then have to get home. And my family can’t get up here easily as I am in the car! It’s like that silly chicken, fox and corn puzzle with the river! Such a mess. You are right, grief is tiring - I think I am just wondering if the adrenaline can get me through until I am safe and with those I need to be with.

@muddyford so sorry to hear you are going through something similar, it is so tough.

OP posts:
Pamspeople · 15/02/2025 07:43

I'm so sorry you're facing this and understand you wanting to be with your husband and children. I would probably drive home but plan plenty of stops to rest, and take it really steadily - be aware that your driving and awareness will be affected by the storm of emotions. I'd maybe even plan myself an overnight somewhere half way, just in case I needed to sleep or have a big cry. Good luck OP x

myplace · 15/02/2025 07:43

I would wait and see. Maybe keep your car packed so you can go when you want. You may find you want to stay a little bit longer, spend time with his body, and then be calm enough to drive.

At some point you will have to make that drive, and you will still be grieving. Just remind yourself of the route and all the stopping places along the way so that if you are overcome or overwhelmed with exhaustion or grief, you know where to stop.

globalwondering · 15/02/2025 07:43

Could you book a hotel and go there instead of your mums for a day before you do the drive? Just for a bit of space.
Even when a death is expected, it will hit you like a tonne of bricks and you don't want to risk an accident. You could always tell your mum you're driving home and take yourself off to the hotel for a bit. So sorry you're in this situation Flowers

Pamspeople · 15/02/2025 07:46

globalwondering · 15/02/2025 07:43

Could you book a hotel and go there instead of your mums for a day before you do the drive? Just for a bit of space.
Even when a death is expected, it will hit you like a tonne of bricks and you don't want to risk an accident. You could always tell your mum you're driving home and take yourself off to the hotel for a bit. So sorry you're in this situation Flowers

This is what I would do I think, call my husband to hear his voice and feel safe, sleep and set off early

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 15/02/2025 07:48

I did. I left the hospice and drove 4 hours home. I had 3 tiny children I had literally walked out on in the middle of a holiday the week before. I had been gone long enough. I needed to get home.

crockofshite · 15/02/2025 07:48

Dogthespot · 15/02/2025 07:34

Won’t you want to be with your mother?

Edited

The parents are separated

Original poster
Strawberrysparkle123 · 15/02/2025 07:49

Well this is the thing really @myplace - the drive will have to happen soon enough as can’t stay here long term!

OP posts:
LittleBigHead · 15/02/2025 07:50

My mother has just died. It was expected but still ….

Do what you need and want to do.

There’s sometimes an energy that comes over you when a close family member dies. It’s weird. But it may carry you through that drive.

Do what you need to do Flowers big hug

Original poster
Strawberrysparkle123 · 15/02/2025 07:54

@PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister this is how I feel too. It is so difficult.

Lots of good advice here thank you! I think I will keep the car packed and see how things go. I have support here too and friends who can help but really do feel the need to get home.

no one tells you when you make these decisions to live further away as a youngster that these challenges are ahead do they?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Strawberrysparkle123 · 15/02/2025 07:55

Thanks @LittleBigHead - so sorry for your loss.

OP posts:
SnakesAndArrows · 15/02/2025 07:57

I think you won’t know until it happens.

When my lovely DM died the grief hit me in weird ways. For the first two or three days I felt oddly serene because she was no longer suffering and I was able to tackle the “sadmin” immediately. However, on the Sunday evening that she died I had had about 4 hours sleep since the Friday morning and I was in no way fit to drive anywhere because of the tiredness. Fortunately DH was able to come to get me. The following day I was OK and he took me back to collect my car.

So I think it depends on how physically rested you are.

Could you look at driving part of the way and then someone bringing your DH to drive you the rest of the way? No idea if that’s feasible but might help a bit.

kiwiane · 15/02/2025 08:00

I was surprised at how I was after a close expected bereavement: I went into a focussed and practical state with plenty of energy.
I’d have been fine to drive; see how you feel but I’d go back to your family. I’d drive during the day and make time to stop if you find that you’re tired.

LividBlah · 15/02/2025 08:02

Someone I know got three speeding tickets from the same three hour journey under these circumstances.

Has never had any before. Absolutely should not have been driving in hindsight.