Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Do You Think There’s Pressure To Become A Grandparent?

38 replies

RabbitsRock · 13/02/2025 08:53

Inspired by an interesting chat with a customer at my till yesterday. She mentioned that she was buying something for her son, then she said ruefully “ Now we’re going into the next stage - they’re having a baby in May”. I was quite struck that she seemed almost fed up about the prospect of becoming a Grandparent. We chatted a bit more & she finished by remarking that at least you can hand them back. I felt shocked at first that she wasn’t delighted about it but then I thought that even though she has a son, she may well not be particularly maternal & therefore not particularly looking forward to the next generation of her family. Then I started wondering if society/ the media encourage us to believe that it’s wrong to think like my customer. Certainly there seems to be a fair bit of judgement for childless women. Personally I would love to have Grandchildren. DD16 has said she doesn’t want kids & I wouldn’t dream of pressuring her, just secretly hope she changes her mind. How do you guys feel?

OP posts:
Coffeeishot · 13/02/2025 08:57

My children are adults married and.with partners. No sign of babies and that doesn't actually bother me, but I've had people say to me when are you getting grandchildren as if its a right!

I heard someone say to my Dd she better get a move on she's not getting any younger I mean how rude !

Itisbetter · 13/02/2025 08:59

No I don’t think anyone cares. When my friends become grandparents we usually laugh and call them grandpa/granny for a few weeks but beyond that it doesn’t make a difference.

BlondiePortz · 13/02/2025 09:10

No and this will get comments i get that but I know people whose whole life is not their children thrley have jobs and hobbies and travel and have other interests

The only people I know of, not friends, that seem to not stop going on about being a grandparents are people who are obsessed with their children and have nothing outside this

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
howshouldibehave · 13/02/2025 09:17

I don't think 'society' has one matching view! The lady you spoke to might have felt she was too young to be a grandma, didn't like her daughter in law, knew the pregnancy was an accident, they were still living at home, felt they weren't financially ready for kids-there are loads of reasons why she personally might not have felt it was a good idea at that minute.

Tophelleborine · 13/02/2025 09:19

No. I think there's a general assumption that it will be welcome, because most people see it as a positive. But not pressure.

TheFormidableMrsC · 13/02/2025 09:20

I'm not bothered about being a grandparent although I'd be delighted if it did happen. My adult DD is clear she doesn't want children and I totally respect that. My youngest is 13 and has various ND issues so I'm not sure if he ever will. I have a lovely friend who is utterly desperate to be a grandparent and tells her boys all the time. I tell her off for doing that 😆

Rewis · 13/02/2025 09:21

Not everyone should have kids and the timing is not always optimal. Her son having a child kight be bad news for her since she knows her son. It might be less about becoming a grandparent in general.

Rewis · 13/02/2025 09:25

My mom has 3 kids. However she only has 2 grandchildren. She's often met with "oh, only two?" She's not bothered that only one of her kids has kids. But it I'd an extension of people being very weird about people choosing to be childfree

Whoarethoseguys · 13/02/2025 09:31

BlondiePortz · 13/02/2025 09:10

No and this will get comments i get that but I know people whose whole life is not their children thrley have jobs and hobbies and travel and have other interests

The only people I know of, not friends, that seem to not stop going on about being a grandparents are people who are obsessed with their children and have nothing outside this

I think this is a very unfair comment. I was working throughout my children's childhoods, I had and still have very good friends and hobbies, I was working when my first grandchild was born.
But my children and my grandchildren have always been my focus and my main priority and they always will be. It's nothing to do with being bored or having nothing else in my life!

Coffeeishot · 13/02/2025 09:43

I said I wasn't bothered about grandchildren, It would be nice obviously I just don't think they "should" produce children.

crossstitchingnana · 13/02/2025 11:58

I feel ambivalent about having grandkids. I feel I "should" be foaming at the mouth, as a mother, about becoming a gran. Tbh I just see more drudge, babysitting, conversations being interrupted and an expectation I will drop everything to babysit. My own mum dropped days at work to do this, me? Fuck that.

My kids are adults and talking about having their own kids "one day", and I suppose when it happens I will feel differently. Just hope they don't expect me to stop work to become a free child minder.

Fifthtimelucky · 13/02/2025 12:27

I wouldn't say there is pressure to be a grandparent, but I would certainly like to be one and am pleased that both my children want to have their own one day.

I was an old mother though, and I doubt if I'll be a grandmother much before I'm 70. For that reason I suspect I shall be pleased to "hand back" my grandchildren at the end of a period of looking after them.

With the best will in the world I will not have as much energy as a grandmother in her 50s or 60s.

31stJune1973 · 13/02/2025 12:31

How does 'pressure to become a grandparent' manifest itself - it's not within an individual's control whether their children have children?

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 13/02/2025 12:38

One dd has none and doesn’t want any. The other was 38 before she had her first. I wasn’t at all ‘anxious’ for Gdcs, but was happy when they eventually arrived. I felt very sorry for a friend of dd whose mother was endlessly wailing that ‘at this rate I’m never going to have any grandchildren!’ It wasn’t that the poor girl didn’t want babies - she just had yet to find the right bloke to have them with.

The only thing that would have really upset me, would have been if either dd had really wanted babies but been unable to have them.
I was never aware of any ‘societal’ pressure on me as a GM.

Printedword · 13/02/2025 12:49

I've never been one of those people who got married to have kids. I got married because we fell in love. DS is the bonus extra and much loved.

Re grandparenting - if and when the time comes I will be pleased, but it's DSs life and he has to lead it.

I do have views on what feels natural for me in various situations, but I don't expect them to necessarily match our son's approach. For example, I was quite happy to have one DC, would not have wanted one in my 20s, would have freaked me out to be a grandmother in my 50s. I had to accept I was a great aunt when quite young because big age gap with my sibling. Nephews feel like they are more my generation.

Original poster
RabbitsRock · 13/02/2025 15:46

Perhaps I should have said are there expectations rather than pressure

OP posts:
ValentinesGranny · 13/02/2025 15:55

I've NC because I'm about to become one tomorrow (elective cesarean booked). It's such a precious time following years of heartbreak and loss for DS and DIL.
I'm thrilled because it means so much to them both, but would have never have expressed the desire unless they had.

theboffinsarecoming · 13/02/2025 16:02

SIL and BIL have 6 grandchildren. DH and I aren't grandparents yet and I do get the impression that they look down on us a bit in a sort of 'poor you' kind of way.

TorroFerney · 13/02/2025 16:06

My mother told me not to be having a baby just because I thought she wanted to be a grandparent „ I don’t want to be looking after a baby“. Thanks mum because yes that’s the only reason I’d want a baby to make you happy. Well though to be fair that’s how she’d groomed me as a child to be there to please her so perhaps not that odd.

MrsAvocet · 13/02/2025 16:07

I think there is an assumption that everyone wants to be grandparents. My eldest is getting married shortly and I've lost count of the number of people who have made comments about how they bet I can't wait for the patter of tiny feet. Actually I am totally ambivalent. If they want to have children and do so, great, if they don't want to and don't, also great. It's none of my business either way. I've done my baby rearing and it's their turn to decide whether the want to do the same or not.

Meadowfinch · 13/02/2025 16:09

Certainly no pressure in our family. Some have children, some choose not to, which is definitely seen as their business and no concern of anyone else.

I have one 16yo son. He has already said he doesn't want dcs. I think he'll change his mind but won't mind in the slightest if he doesn't.

BobnLen · 13/02/2025 16:13

No one has ever said to me about being a grandparent, it's very unlikely anyway as gay DS is not interested in children and there wouldn't be any chance of an accident.

MferMonsterSearchingForRedemption · 13/02/2025 16:13

BlondiePortz · 13/02/2025 09:10

No and this will get comments i get that but I know people whose whole life is not their children thrley have jobs and hobbies and travel and have other interests

The only people I know of, not friends, that seem to not stop going on about being a grandparents are people who are obsessed with their children and have nothing outside this

Interesting.

I completely adore my grandson. I love being a granny and i'm looking forward to more grandchildren one day. It has enriched my life and the bond I have with my grandson is beautiful.

I also work, have hobbies, friends and socialise etc. So I have plenty going on outside of my children and grandson.

EmeraldDreams73 · 13/02/2025 16:15

I'm nowhere near that stage yet but I'm 51 so some friends are already grandparents. I'm aware of some people who seem obsessed with having grandchildren, and plenty who will love them if they come along, but not worried if they don't.

I'm very ambivalent myself (but don't feel under pressure). If my dds want children, for their sakes I hope they can have them. But if they do, I'm definitely not going to want to provide loads of childcare - I found it very tough when they were small and in any case I will have to work until I'm very old at this rate.

I also worry about my dds having the same stresses and struggles as I've had and just want them to have an easier life! Not that I'd voice that to them.

Wendolino · 13/02/2025 16:15

No sign of grandchildren from mine- they're healthy and happy so I'm happy. I don't really enjoy spending time with young children. There is a neighbour's child who is a delight and I like babysitting him or having him for an hour or two but there are young children in the extended family who are really annoying and enjoy causing havoc.
The only slight regret is that DH is a lovely kind, patient man who'd be a lovely grandad so maybe it would be nice.

There's still plenty of time though and I'm sure if I did become a gran, I'd be really besotted and bore everyone stupid talking about my wonderful grandchildren.