Do You Think There’s Pressure To Become A Grandparent?

[RabbitsRock]

Inspired by an interesting chat with a customer at my till yesterday. She mentioned that she was buying something for her son, then she said ruefully “ Now we’re going into the next stage - they’re having a baby in May”. I was quite struck that she seemed almost fed up about the prospect of becoming a Grandparent. We chatted a bit more & she finished by remarking that at least you can hand them back. I felt shocked at first that she wasn’t delighted about it but then I thought that even though she has a son, she may well not be particularly maternal & therefore not particularly looking forward to the next generation of her family. Then I started wondering if society/ the media encourage us to believe that it’s wrong to think like my customer. Certainly there seems to be a fair bit of judgement for childless women. Personally I would love to have Grandchildren. DD16 has said she doesn’t want kids & I wouldn’t dream of pressuring her, just secretly hope she changes her mind. How do you guys feel?

I don’t think there is pressure - after all, pressure implies being somewhat forced into doing something and grandparents can’t exactly do anything. But just thinking about the grandparents in our family, quite a few of them don’t really seem at all interested in their grandchildren and seem to actively avoid being around them. My mum has chosen not to see her grandchildren again and we now have no relationship with her. I’d say it’s about 50% who I know who seem fairly disinterested. Maybe they just don’t care rather than feeling pressured per se.

Eh? Most of my friends have grandchildren and there might be a ‘how is X?’ moment, but then there are 101 other things to talk about. TBF we never really spoke much about our children when we had them either. We all realised that no one really wants to hear about our precious darlings. I think you gravely over estimate how large this looms in people’s lives.

My poor Dad is desperate for grandchildren, although he'd never say anything to me. But after 5 years of unexplained infertility, 4 miscarriages, and my husband abandoning me because he couldn't deal with my grief, I can't see it happening. I'm heartbroken for me, but I also feel such a failure that I can't give him the grandchildren he deserves

On the other hand, my Mum actively doesn't want grandchildren. She made this very clear to me- while I was misscarrying...

I don't care. My kids can reproduce or not reproduce but I have a very busy and active life and won't be making THEIR children either the centre of my life or my entire personality.

I'm not remotely fussed about becoming a grandparent (kids are early 20s), which is probably a good thing as one says they don't want kids and the other has medical issues that might make it difficult. I'm amazed by the people I know who dote on their grandchildren. Weirdly my very unmaternal mother cried with joy when I told her I was expecting my first (though she has never doted on them and is almost as critical as she was with me).

My sons I thought would never settle down they were enjoying career and life so much. Then eldest mid thirties met and married within a year as did his younger brother. They both started families right away so five babies in four years.

I'd never nagged them. It's their lives. It's lovely to have a big extended family though.

I would have liked grandchildren but my daughter never met the right man to have children with. She would like to have kids, but not so much that she'd do it with the wrong man, she's seen me struggle as a single parent and that is absolutely not for her. So even though there is time, she's mid thirties, unless something amazing happens in her dating life, I think that's a no. And I'm a bit sad about that. And she's a very self contained individual, she will do fine as a single lady without kids.

I do think it's generally expected but personally I'm not fussed either way.

I've got dc of the age where their friends are marrying/having babies so I get that "any sign of grandchildren?" comment all the time, and people expect me to be longing for it but I'm not.

I guess I wasn't particularly maternal in the sense I had no interest in other people's babies/kids, but adored my own. I suspect it would be much the same if grandchildren came along - I don't long for them but if they appear I'm sure I'll be as smitten as my friends are with theirs!

I agree with earlier posters who said most people have other things in their life. Let’s face it the retirement age is now 67. So most men and women will still be working when /if their dc have children.
I think the grandparents who get overly involved most likely don’t work, and have nothing else to occupy their time. Whilst those who work up to state retirement age then want to enjoy their freedom, and maybe travel extensively and enjoy their retirement. Just my theory.

Agreed.

I love my grandchildren to bits and I'm really pleased for my children that they have children, but my goodness life would be a lot easier without them!

I think there is a lot of pressure on grandparents to provide support. Child care, financial support, all that sort of thing, and for those of us that aren't naturally maternal it seems that no sooner have you been able to start having an adult life then you are expected to cope with children again. I'm on leave next week and instead of having a relaxing week we're needed to provide some childcare again.

I don't begrudge it and it will be lovely to spend quality time with the children, but I was looking forward to some time doing absolutely nothing at all.

I don't think there's that much pressure. Maybe amongst old ladies themselves, there is. My mother in law's friend is always teasing her that she has more grandchildren than MIL. This makes MIL sad and she feels she's lost some sort of competition.
I personally don't mind if I have grandchildren or not. I'll be happy if my children are happy. I've always been very maternal. Even as a child I felt a strong urge to mother people. However, now I've had children, I feel completely satisfied. I've scratched that itch. I'll always be a mum now and I don't feel the need to be a grandma. If it happens it will be lovely but I really don't mind if it doesn't.

I love my grandchildren but I didn't put pressure on either of my DDs to have children. When they arrived we offered a days Childcare a week and we still see them a few times over the week, Less now they are at school and probably less as they get older. That is understandable. They have slotted into our lives but we have other stuff going on like hobbies, friends and travel.

Competitive GP is a thing though with some of my friends vying to have the most GC or devote all their free time to do childcare. I think there needs to be a balance. Each to their own though if people want to centre their lives only around family and GC.