If your mum was highly critical and judgmental are you like now?

[toomanykeys]

I'm just interested to see what effects people have had if their mother was extremely critical and judgy of you and orhers.
I have very low self esteem and doubt myself a lot, don't trust my own decisions.
I would describe my mum as a snob, always looking down her nose at others and wore her heart on her sleeve so was very dramatic with emotions, especially disappointment.
I have spent a lot of my adulthood trying to gain approval often changing my plans if she disapproves.
I'm also very quiet and have social anxiety which is at the end of the day fear of judgment/scrutiny which I know comes from my mums judgement.

I grew up hearing my mum comment about people's weight and I have had an eating disorder since as if I ever put on a few pounds she will notice and point it out so I obsessively keep it off.
She will looks down her nose at anyone she perceives as common so I'm always wearing my smartest clothes in her presence and using my best telephone voice so doesn't pick at that.
Her house is show home perfect and I worry so much when she visits because her standards are so high.

I can't relax and I can't be myself whoever that might be, I'm not sure I even have an authentic self but I'm also socially awkward around others and constantly worrying about what they think of me.
Having said all this my brother grew up with her and is super confident, bold and carefree of her views but I haven't been able to make a life for myself that doesn't evolve around her approval and I feel like a failure if she I don't measure up to her ridiculously high standards.
Can anyone else relate to these negative effects of an overly critical mother?

The title should have said what are you like now?

Does/did she judge men/boys as harshly? Or just females to make herself feel top of the pile?

I can. It is one of the reasons I keep my distance from her now, I know I will never, ever be good enough in her eyes. I lack confidence too and am my own biggest critic, I dislike myself almost as much as she does.

Respectfully, OP, as someone else who grew up with lingering serious issue from having been poorly parented (in my case by well-meaning people with no idea of how to parent adequately or keep a child safe, leading to CSA in my case), you are responsible as an adult for how you deal with what happens or happened to you.

After a certain point 'My mother made me like this' stops being a reason and starts being an excuse. Yes, you have lingering issues from your childhood, but you are the only one who can stop letting your childhood define you and change the way you experience yourself and relate to the world. No one is compelling you to live up to your mother's internalised standards. I would suggest you find a good therapist and be prepared to work very hard. It can be done. Good luck.

I'm the opposite. I'm upbeat, positive and honestly don't have low self esteem. I realise that she obviously had some mental health issues when I was growing up. I have control over my life and my responses to situations

I have my own daughter now who I chose a suitable classic name for that she'd approve of but I look at my daughter and I would never want her to have this sort of anxiety.
I just want her to be herself, be happy.

Sadly it's very common and can take counselling/therapy to overcome it. Because you still see your mother as a figure of authority and believe she has power over you, you try to earn her approval and the approval of other people.

Have a look at this to understand why you think the way you do;

https://www.betterup.com/blog/core-beliefs

Oh, and sorry, I didn't answer your question. My mother brought me up to be a meek people-pleaser, terrified to say no to anyone, especially men. She thought female confidence was awful and unattractive, and she tried to make me leave school at 15 and train as a hairdresser, and was mortified when I did well enough in my A-level equivalents to be in the local paper. Ideally I'd have married the boy next door and been a SAHM to four children.

I went to university and did four degrees on scholarships, and work as an academic. I am a bolshie, independent-minded careerist.

You don't have to be defined by your mother's ideas of the correct way to live.

I definitely sympathise! The stately homes thread is good for support and advice if you have suffered toxic parenting x

My mum is in some ways like this - definitely the critical/ judgemental side - of both me and others. She is insular, somewhat narcissistic and lacks an ability to understand other people's feelings and perspectives.

I've grown up to be very self-aware and empathetic, I tend to gravitate towards caring professions, give too much of myself, put others ahead of me etc. These are all traits which seem good on the surface but can actually be detrimental to my wellbeing.

The only person I'm outwardly critical and judgemental of is her (we argue and I later end up beating myself up for not being more forgiving/ understanding of who she is). It's a strange dynamic and there is no one else in my life I am like that with.

I do recommend therapy, if you are able/ can afford it. It's helped me a lot.

Ah yes the people pleasing, I'm probably quite a push over too because I'd never dare disagree with anyone or stand up for myself.

You sound very much under the thumb still OP. I reacted by becoming the black sheep of the family and so they all now expect the worst of me. It still didn't stop me wanting to please my mum though. I would pretend that I didn't care through my black sheep behaviour, but underneath it all I secretly did still want to please her.

But I would say that I'm learning to be different now. I went to psychotherapy over a failed marriage and there were so many similarities, on picking the bad marriage also related to unpacking the childhood stuff.

It worries me that you have a daughter because she will be watching like a hawk, even though you might not realise it. She will be learning what you model to her about fawning and people pleasing and putting yourself last in an unhealthy way. One of the things the psychotherapist often would ask me, if your child came to you with the same problem, what would your advice to them be? If you think of your daughter being treated like that by your mum, what advice would you give her?

The crazy thing is that she clearly doesn't approve of you so why even bother to try and change that? It would've changed automatically by now if it was going to. She probably isn't really capable of it.

Also, the interesting thing is that since I began to call my mum out on it, she throttled back a lot. I still have to keep my beady eye on her but sometimes she chooses to be completely different nowadays. Would that have happened in her old age regardless? Maybe. But maybe also people treat you how you allow them to . Just a thought.

Oh it's just girls, she's very internally misogynistic. In fact my dad treats her like absolute dirt and she just thinks she needs to try harder.
She worked part time (retired now) and spends every waking moment pruning the garden and cleaning the house to perfection.

I don't like to say it but yes my daughter loves her to bits.

Again, respectfully, you are an adult, and a mother yourself. You are choosing to be like this.

Your daughter will see you modeling 'I live my entire life to appease my mother'. The best thing you can do for both of you is to address this in therapy and do all the hard but necessary work involved in changing your life and unpicking childhood scripts.

I mean, do you really want your epitaph to read 'She was afraid of her mother all her life and acted accordingly'?

It's taken a while to see it like it is. I always thought I was very lucky growing up, lots of nice clothes, nice holidays, eating at nice restaurants, posh house and nice cars but now I see it was just for show.
I sort of feel like I never developed a personality of my own and I don't really know who I truly am.

I had a similar upbringing (without the privileges! Any spare resources went on The Boy 🙄)... And it did undermine my self-esteem and authentic self - I always felt everyone was judging me as harshly as she did, and worked hard to present a cheery, amenable but brittle persona.

But I got past it. The way I did that was by getting away, going low contact. Also, succeeding on my own terms, through academia and creative work. Ideally I'd have had therapy, but there's a lot of good reading out there - Susan Forward's 'Toxic Parents' is a great starting point (especially as it seems there are issued with your father too) - and, as someone mentioned above, check out the 'But We Took You to Stately Homes' thread on this site - that's a great resource.

A lot of women find that having children is a catalyst for change - they can see how unnatural their mother's behaviour to them was, and want to protect their own child from it.

'A woman's first bully is often her mother.' Good luck!

Mine was exactly the same as yours. I made a decision early on in parenthood that I would be the polar opposite and have taken every possible step to heal and recover. She is still in our lives, and a good grandmother - I tolerate her as much as I can, although I think she knows there's no love lost. Through therapy and medication I can honestly say that I am recovering from having such a person bring me up. Not 100% though. I still struggle from the lack of care, compassion and respect when I was growing up, and friends point out when I am letting a lack of self esteem affect me, because sometimes it isnt obvious to me. Good friends who have been through the same thing are really helpful. The best place to start though is to speak to a therapist. If you cant do that then write things down, instagram and pinterest are helpful too.

My mum was extremely judgmental and critical. She basically never opened her mouth unless it was to be critical.

I am now NC with her after having my own child as I don’t want him to be around her. I have been cast in the black sheep role in the family as our who family structure was deeply enmeshed with her at the centre of everything.

i totally relate to feeling like you don’t know who you are, my mum was such a domineering and controlling presence, when I broke away from the enmeshment I felt the same. Time and therapy help.

I am nothing like her, but sometimes I feel like this is a conscious choice. I make a concerted effort to challenge any judgmental thoughts that pop into my head. Sadly though I also have a deeply anxious attachment style and am a real pushover/people pleaser who finds it really difficult to set boundaries. These are issues I am working on so I don’t pass them to my son.

My mother and stepmother were both very critical and negative towards me, though my mother does love me very much and I know that she is proud of me

I live far away from my mother. We are close in our way, but I limit the amount of time we spend together and her level of control over me. I am very independent.

When younger, I had a number of emotionally abusive relationships with men. I attribute this to the parenting I received which taught me that I don't deserve to be treated well.

I have also struggled with low self esteem throughout my life, but now, in my 40s, I am breaking out of this self limiting way of thinking.